Week 2: "30 minutes before week 3 starts" edition

I’m not a fan of superstition, mostly because I’ve been trying to kill Philip Rivers with a comprehensive combination of voodoo hexes, animal sacrifices, and repeatedly calling Dick Cheney’s cell phone for pointers- nothing doing. I’d almost given up.

But then last fucking week happened, and literally everyone got injured, meaning I need to probably need to stay a little more sober whenever I pray for the destruction of the Oakland Raiders to every malevolent god I can think of. Otherwise, I apparently point their wrath in every other possible direction, because now every team is a train wreck.

So for everyone’s reference, I’m listing how many people are injured on your teams, because shit got ridiculous last week.

At this point, I should add that I finished writing this at 4 AM because you people should know just how terrible things are going for everyone who isn’t me before week 3 (more or less) officially starts, and because I decided to leave the bar early enough to pull this bullshit off. I will hopefully edit this before I post it because I don’t quite fit the classic definition of sober right now. I promise nothing. So as usual, sit down, shut the fuck up, and read this, because this will probably take me all goddamn night. (THIS ENDED UP TAKING ME UNTIL 30 MINUTES BEFORE SUNDAY FOOTBALL STARTS.  I HOPE YOU'RE ALL HAPPY.)

LET’S GET THIS HORSESHIT OVER WITH.

HEY NICK!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You beat: JD

Your record: 1-1

Number of injured players on your roster: 6(!)

The terrible twist of fate that has come to ruin you: Your RB injuries

So, how did it go?

Nick, you know that you’re my friend, so... here’s the thing. You get a pass this week. Your team got fucked by injuries. I went into this thinking I was going to talk an entire bushel of shit, but I can’t. Your team got fucked by things completely out of your control, and I can’t fault you for it. I’m not that heartless of a person.

The rest of the league needs to know what you’re going through. You just lost two good RB’s. Your team’s highest scoring player this week (WR Corey Coleman, a solid pickup thus far) broke his hand in practice. Gronk is doubtful for week three.

Andrew Luck, your starting QB, re-injured his shoulder and is now questionable.

None of this is your fault. It’s terrible.

But you still won! Probably a small consolation. But don’t lose heart! Granted, it doesn’t look good now, but it’s still so early in the season, and any person who thinks they know what will happen this season is out of their minds. You could still upset all of us.

But good luck, because this week took more than 1/3rd of your fantasy team out of commission.

Also, you drafted a fucking kicker in the 12^th round. Did you know that? Well, don’t worry, you can check for yourself. Thanks to Alex’s badass phone camera, you can now view the entire draft board on my facebook post. That means there’s photographic evidence on Facebook. It’s out in the interwebs, where it will exist forever- permanent proof that you took a fucking kicker in the 12^th round.

He gave you six points this week. Mazel Tov.

HEY JD! GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You lost to: Nick

Your record: 0-2

Number of injured players on your roster: 1

Your still over-rated shitball RB: Devonta Freeman

So, how did it go?

Well, the long answer is that your team underperformed this week. Devonta Freeman was going against Oaklands front 7 (which includes Khalil Mack, a tank with legs) and still gave you 9. Had you started Rapelisberger, you would have won by 1.5 points, but you made a good decision. Ben was playing a divisional rival, and Matt Stafford was playing against the Titans secondary (who don’t actually exist) after throwing for 340 and two touchdowns against Indianapolis. It didn’t work out. Doug Martin got hurt.

Jordan Matthews dropped a pass that would have scored you 10 points. Your kicker scored 15 points, beating anybody on your team not named Fat Stafford.

Things did not go well for you, and that objectively sucks. But it happens. Shitty start but it’s early and you still have moves you can make.

That’s the long answer.

The short answer is this: Go read all of things about Nick’s team- 6 injured players (his two starting RB’s are on IR.) His team is fucked.

And you lost to him. I’m genuinely impressed.

HEY JUSTIN!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You beat: Shelby Allen

Your record: 2-0-0

Number of injured players on your roster: 2 questionable and 1 suspended

Your WTF play of the week: Jack Doyle? TE? For… Indianapolis?

So, how did it go?

Jesus Christ. You scored 127 points this week. Only 2 of your players were in single digits. YOU SAT GURLEY. That’s officially awesome, because he’s kind of a bust, and only the savviest fantasy players have the courage to admit that.

Even out of your injuries- Decker is expected to play on Sunday despite his shoulder injury. Eifart might be coming back (in an alternate universe, and possibly even this one.) Your fantasy team looks awesome right now. Even your backup kicker scored more than… wait a second... (squints, double checks)

Wow. I’ve been giving Nick shit all month for drafting a kicker in the 12^th round, but at least he only took one of them. I don’t know what’s more sad- the fact that you have a backup kicker, or that he scored 8 more points that the kicker you actually played.

I’m trying to figure out how to make fun of you, but you scored 127 points. Seriously, you started the backup TE from the Colts, and he even gave you more than most TE’s did this week.

Congrats. You won. Good job. Fuck off.

HEY SHELBY ALLEN!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You lost to: Justin

Your record: 1-1

Number of injured players on your roster: 4

Your terrible player who still somehow underperformed: Sebastian Janikowski

So, how did it go?

God damn it, Arian Foster. Here’s the thing: We all want this dude to be good again. He was a badass in Houston, then got injured, then looked like he was on the verge of another unreal badass season, then got hurt again, then he started fresh for Miami.

And then he died on Sunday. Let’s rip this bandaid off- Arian Foster is done. Dump him and pick up somebody healthier, like Chris Bosh, or Magic Johnson.

But, there is at least some semblance of hope, and ironically enough, it’s due to injuries. Ameer Abdullah is hurt, meaning that Theo “Who the fuck is Theo Riddick?” Riddick is on deck to be the primary running back for the Detroit Lions. That, uh, that might not actually be a selling point. It’s a lot like saying that something is the cleanest hair in a pile of pubes.

Alshon is hurt, and now has Bryan Fucking Hoyer under and over-throwing him. Tom Brady is still suspended.

The worst part is that you would have got 26 points from somebody on your bench, and it wouldn’t have changed a goddamn thing.

Arian fucking Foster.

HEY BAILEE!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT (SORT OF)!

You beat: Alex

Your record: 1-1

Number of injured players on your roster: 4

The draft pick I’m going to continue to give you shit for: Donte “I sucked before I even got hurt” Moncrief

So, how did it go?

I mean... you won? Golden Tate shat the bed and one of your WR’s got hurt, but despite all reason, everyone else barely scraped by to get you the W. Stand tall!

It’s great to see Ezekiel Elliot scoring touchdowns. If there’s one thing I think we can all agree on, it’s that it’s good that the guy who just got cleared of his domestic assault charges is doing well in the NFL. Nice snag, Bailee!

I was totally wrong about Donte Moncrief, by the way. In the first write up, I predicted that Donte Moncrief was a terrible pick because he sucked- turns out that he was a terrible pick because he now has a fractured scapula. (For those of you wondering, the scapula is the shoulder blade. According to the Colt’s head coach, he can treat this with rest. This means Donte Moncrief can’t even get injured like a #1 WR.)

I have no fucking idea why people went overboard with drafting the Seahawks. Tyler Lockett played for a team that scored 3 points on Sunday, and that was one of his better games. Good luck with that shit.

Delanie Walker has a hamstring injury, and is questionable for Sunday (and also forever.)

Your opponent scored a whopping 73 points, and yet somehow you won! Fine work.

HEY ALEX!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT (DEFINITELY)!

You lost to: Bailee

Your record: 1-1

Number of injured players on your roster: 2

The worst player on your team this week: Yes

So, how did it go?

You scored 73 points. Lowest of anybody this week. You never had a chance.

Oh, wait. Had you started Martellus Bennett or Mike Wallace, you would have won. You would have somehow overcame the odds and defeated somebody who scored a whopping 85.5 points. But you lost. You know what? I was going to wait until later to bust that out, but you earned it.

Probably doesn’t help that Jonathan Stewart got injured. Also, probably doesn’t help that Sammy Watkins didn’t even wait until week 4 to get injured.

Question: Why the fuck do you have Tyler Ervin on your team? Do you think he’s related to Michael Ervin? My best guess is that you wanted somebody on your team who you know is going to hit rock bottom every week, so that when it’s all over you get to say “well, if nothing else, I made the correct decision to sit Tyler Ervin.” There’s no sane explanation. He started for the Texans, and scored as many points as Josh Gordon did for the Browns. For those not playing along at home, Josh Gordon is suspended.

And for fuck’s sake, I told you about Torrey Smith. After I’ve spent so much time coughing up thousands of words to write so many of these bullshit fantasy updates, you’d think somebody would listen to me. But fuck that- let’s just keep Torrey Smith. Sam won’t make fun of me for it or anything.

HEY SHELBY RABB!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You beat: Scarlett

Your record: 1-1

Number of injuries on your roster: 2

The only thing that keeps this team from being hot garbage: Greg Olsen

Well, shit. You were trying to sell your team via facebook last week, and now look at you. The only thing that sucked about your team was your WR group, and even they are starting to figure things out. With the exception of John Brown (who is now apparently perpetually concussed) they’re all on track for monster games. Allen Robinson will go hard as fuck- he’s due. TY Hilton is taking a break from practice this week to rest his knee, which means he’ll be good to catch all of the passes that would have gone to Donte Moncrief. Tyrell Williams is now one of the primary pass catchers now that Keenan Allen is broken. You even have DeVante Parker, who vacillates between being hurt and going ape-shit.

I mean, what am I supposed to talk shit about? Greg Olsen being the best TE in the fucking league? Carson Palmer thwomping the entire state of Florida? Frank Gore somehow not being terrible?

Welcome to fantasy football. Sometimes you suck, and then sometimes you suck but you still win.

HEY SCARLETT!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You lost to: Rabb

Your record: 0-2

Number of injured players on your roster: 4

Your shit-awful team name: Team Oehlke

I’ll take some of the blame for this one. I told you that Justin Forsett was going to be one of your best RB’s, and you started him over Isaiah Crowell. Granted, Crowell put up 14 last week before putting up 20.5 this week, and Justin Forsett put up jack shit last week and then jack shit minus 1.5 points this week, but dammit, I’m willing to accept my share of the blame.

But know this- this is what you get when you take advice from the guy who has nothing better to do with his Saturday night than use a stupid blog to talk shit about all of his friends, to all of his friends. You brought this on yourself.

The Patriots D was a disaster, even though they were playing the Dolphins, the team that is the spirit animal of disasters.

I’m done trying to pretend that Coby Fleener has a chance at being good. Fuck that guy. He only existed to fuck with the people who owned him while he played for the Colts, and now people think he’s going to be hot shit because a TE named Jimmy Graham (and not named Coby Fleener) used to be amazing in New Orleans 4 years ago.

But fucking hell- did you see Stefon Diggs? He almost gave you 30 points. Had he scored just one more touchdown, and Mason Crosby given you just 1 more field goal and 1 more extra point… you still would have lost. NEXT.

HEY LARAX!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You beat: Nate and/or Nathan

Your record: 2-0

Number of injured players on your roster: ZERO?

Your “this move was as bad as starting the Jets defense move” of the week: Starting the Jets defense

So, how did it go?

Well, fuck me. Had you benched AJ Green and TJ Yeldon and started Giovani Bernard and Tevin Coleman, you would have beaten Nate(than) by 37 points, instead of just a measly 15.5. Sucks to be you, I guess. Had you done all of that and also not started the fucking Jets defense you would have scored enough to break fantasy football on a multi-dimensional scale. So thanks for beating Nate in a resounding way while maintaining the fabric of reality. The stupid part of me that makes me stay up late at night to write this bullshit SINCERELY THANKS YOU, FUCKHEAD.

Jason Witten is your only TE, but he outscored AJ Green and tied Randall Cobb. How the fuck did that even happen? Jason Witten is basically Billy Bob from Varsity Blues, only slower. How does JJ Watt’s broken prototype make AJ Green look like a chump?

HOW DO YOU HAVE ZERO INJURIES? Were you seriously bitching about losing Keenan Allen while having nothing else on your roster to worry about? Phillip Rivers complains less whenever CPS takes his kids away every other month.

You’ve won two games in a row, despite starting the abject failure that is the New York Jets and the hilariously well documented choke artist that is Blair Walsh. Go buy some lottery tickets. I have nothing else for you. Good win.

You started the Jets defense and won.

Yes, those Jets.

HEY NATHAN AND/OR NATE!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You lost to: Somebody who started the Jets defense.

Your record: 1-1

Number of injuries on your roster: 2

Number of people who beat you this week after starting the Jets defense: 1

So, how did it go?

Take a long, hard look at the score. Drink it all in. Look at how Jordy somehow got you 15.5, then how the Texans gave you 15, then how Willie Snead somehow continues to not suck.

Then look at everyone else on your team. Look at how Rashad Jennings gave you jack shit and then got hurt. Look how Russell Wilson continues to be a schmuck. Look at how Jeremy Langford would probably still suck if he wasn’t playing for the fucking Bears.

You know what, nevermind. All you need to know is this- Your starters scored 89. Lara’s bench scored 91. There is nothing I can say that quite sums up how your week went like that statistic.

Just think- had both of you started the best players, Lara would have ran you harder than she did this week, somehow.

This isn’t your week, man.

HEY ME!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

I beat: Brandon

My record: 2-0

Number of injuries on my roster: 2

My saving grace: Adrian Peterson’s knee injury

So, how did it go?

It went fine. I’m too tired to kiss my own ass. Whatever. Victory. Whoo hoo.

HEY BRANDON!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You lost to: The sexiest person who ever wrote this particular blog post

Your record: 0-2

Number of injuries on your roster: 1 (but it’s a doozie. RIP Adrian Peterson. Time to make a switch… in careers)

Number of reasons you should have lost this matchup: 0

So, how did it go?

There is no reason you should have lost to me - except, of course, the fact that you put your trust in a child beating shitbag. I loved every minute of the AP injury. I loved watching him ruin your fantasy chances, I loved watching the look of dread and defeat in his eyes as he realized his season (and thankfully career) is now over and done, and I really loved watching him get carried through a restaurant in the middle of the game because the only route back to the locker room from the playing field is through a bar and grill.

You shouldn't have lost this one.  Dez, Demaryius, Demarco, and Derek killed it for you. I almost got outscored by only the players on your team whose first names start with D.

I got nothing, man else, man. Sorry. 

THE MEGAMAN TATTOO CONTINUES TO RUN SHIT.

Sorry this one took so long, kids. Maybe I get the next one up sooner.  Or, to quote the great Sargeant Dingham- "Maybe.  Maybe not.  Maybe fuck yourself."