Week 3 round-up!

Week 3 bitches!

So, how's everyone doing? Good? Great.

First things first: Before we get to the bullshit, some administrative information I have to give you as your fearless commissioner:

I am in first place, and all of you can suck it.

OK, all formalities aside, let's see how the week went!

Sam vs. Shelby Allen, or: Why you shouldn't be allowed to gloat when your opponent only puts up 60 points.

Sam's best: Nate, I feel like I owe you a drink. Did you drop Nick Foles on purpose? Look, I know the guy wasn't putting up numbers like he was last season, but who did you think would play better? Wait, let me check... JAY CUTLER? SERIOUSLY? Christ... Anyway, Foles rocked it and Antonio Brown is still (figuratively) kicking people in the face. God dammit I love that guy.

Sam's worst: I got a combine 5 ½ points out of LeSean McCoy and Montee Ball, and still won. Arizona's D did exactly jack shit. And yet, victory. Why, you're probably not asking? Well...

Shelby's best: Uh... yeah... Did I mention 50 points?

Shelby's worst: Basically your team. It's a shit week when you could have played it as perfect as it gets and still would have lost. Bernard Pierce sucks. Eddy Lacy sucks (somehow.) And don't get me started on Phil Dawson. That guy is a shame to kickers everywhere (who are a shame to football. If it's a penalty to tackle you, I feel like you shouldn't get to wear the same uniform as everyone else. Fuck Phil Dawson. Give him a bright yellow jersey like a soccer goalie.)

Coco vs. Lara: Battle of the Cowboy puns goes to the Coco.

Coco's best: Andrew Lucking Fuck. That ogre-looking motherfucker can play his ass off. I think Ryan Fitz grew a beard to try and score some Luck magic, only it back-fired because Fitzpatrick still resembles a human being, even with the logger look. 30 points is awesome. Also, Fred Jackson is a beast. It's often you'll get 20+ points from somebody who can collect social security.

Coco's worst: Poor, poor Andre Johnson. I feel like Andre, Larry Fitz and Jamaal Charles should all be on a team that doesn't suck, at least for like a game. Just give them a taste of glory, instead of the mediocrity they've probably gotten used to at this point. 4 points from the best wide reciever of 2011. Gross. Buffalo's defense blows and I'm pretty sure you broke Kyle Rudolph. Also, you and I both decided to play James Jones in the week he remembered that he played for the fucking Raiders.

Lara's best: Knile Davis is a goddamn machine. He might end up with Jamaal Charles's job before the end of the season, and I might actually cry. Besides that? Demarco Murray is about all anyone can trust out of Dallas right now, and... the Raider's kicker? Oh lord...

Lara's worst: It just reads down from the top. Rodgers- 8 ½ instead of 14. Kendall Wright- 6.9 instead of 8. Keenan Allen- he was supposed to get 10, and I think he just stood around making fart noises instead. I don't know, I didn't see the game- I was too busy making up rumors about Philip Rivers. (He's actually a neo-Nazi.)

Brandon vs. Scarlett: It's all about Emmanuel Sanders, Brandon takes it down.

Brandon's best: I love me some Emmanuel Sanders. I don't care who you are- if you embarrass Richard Sherman, you're fucking alright. The fact that he plays for my team is a cherry on the DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT ME!

Also, Brandon, what's the over under on how many times you scream out “You're my boy (Alfred) Blue!” this season? I've got the over at 3 ½.

Brandon's worst: Consistent performance all around, sir. Jimmy Graham didn't do the Jimmy Graham thing, but good call playing Cincinnatti's D to score you 12 points instead of the Hawks. You have no idea how much shit I would give you if you lost the game because you played the Seahawks against the Broncos.

Scarlett's best: Kirk Cousins and Crabtree. Definitely filing that under “things I didn't think I would type this season.” Kudos on picking up Cousins- the guy played like a fucking monster last week, and Crabtree hasn't just recovered from his injury, he's kicked it in the balls and insulted its mother. Yeah, I'm not great at analogies tonight. Sue me.

Scarlett's worst: Joique Bell and Brandon Marshall? Jesus, does your team play in opposite world? I kid. Not even Brandon Marshall can have a beast week every week. Although asking him to score more than a point isn't a huge concession, right? LOOKING AT YOU, CUTLER.

Justin vs. Luke: Victory goes to the guy with the hand-written draft notes, probably because he actually filled his roster.

Justin's best: In one of my other leagues, somebody picked up Martellus Bennett in the 4^th round, and I gave him shit for 3 hours straight. This is God telling me to shut my fucking mouth, because he's having a career year, and I'm basically sitting with my dick in my hand in that league. Also-Pierre Garcon got 11 passes. Last week, Kirk Cousins doesn't even look at the guy, and this week he turns him into fucking Megatron.

Justin's worst: Randall Cobb and the Browns. Doesn't that sound like some kind of racist cover band that plays weddings in the south somewhere?

Luke's best/worst: Dude, I don't know anymore. Arian Foster is fucked, Frank Gore is fucked, Cam Newton was fucked before he hurt himself, and now he's double fucked. If it wasn't for Dez Bryant and Chicago's D you would have been out-scored by Shelby.

Bailee vs. Shelby Rabb: Julio Jones is half man, half tank.

Bailee's best: So here's the thing about Julio: It turns out that he's really, really good. He's also really, reaaaaally good against teams that suck, such as the Bucs. The fucking falcons scored 56 points in that game, or to put it another way, they had enough offense to somehow drag Steven Jackson across his 11 point projected score. And Colston is still alive! I think that was his first touchdown in 4 years.

Bailee's worst: Mason Crosby. The packers suck this year, but the sad part is we all know that those fucks will somehow figure out how to get to the post-season just in time to get steam-rolled by the Niners. Carolina's defense, projected to be the 2^nd ranked in the league, let the Steelers put up 37 points, which might be as much as they'd scored all season.

Shelby's best: Let's see... uh... Pierre Thomas gave you 12! [slow clap]...

Shelby's worst: LITERALLY everyone else.  Since he scored 2 points, I imagine we'll see Matt Stafford eat his feelings and show up looking like he ate the sun next week. Was Reggie Bush the only guy playing for the Lions last week? Your score is hard to look at. It makes me sad.

Bobby vs. Nate: Insert clever match-up header here.

Bobby's best: Fucking Marshawn Lynch is amazing. It would have been ok if THAT had been the superbowl instead of the clusterfuck I got to watch and then promptly try to drink enough to forget about. DeAndre Hopkins is actually turning into a football player (did anybody see the catch that got called back? JESUS.)

Bobby's worst: Tom Brady is slowly but surely turning to suck. My guess is it's a year or so before he pulls a Brett Favre, except he's going to start for the bills, then head to Miami and then send somebody a dick pick. Also, San Francisco got lit up by Arizona's backup QB. I don't think anybody saw that coming.  Jim Harbaugh might have a goddamn aneurysm this season.

Nate's best: Even though Philip Rivers has been convicted twice of sex with animals and has a side-gig as a creepy birthday clown, the guy can throw a goddamn football. Zac Stacy is coming around- just don't depend on him in the post-season, as he'll channel Aaron Rodgers and fuck everything up.

Nate's worst: You know, it always seems to go down like this. Larry Fitz plays against a great team that covers him, and ONLY him, and then they lose because they make the common mistake of forgetting there's actually more people than Larry on the Cardinals team. 3 points? Gross. Somehow both you and Bobby lost points in that game.

That's it.

Later!

round up week 2

Sup fools?
Sorry this one's coming late. So much to talk about! Injuries! Child abuse! Elevator Fights! Richard Sherman getting schooled by Keenan Allen and then called out afterward! (THE FIRST RULE OF RICHARD SHERMAN IS: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT RICHARD SHERMAN. THE SECOND RULE OF RICHARD SHERMAN IS: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT RICHARD SHERMAN!)

Two quick things before we get into some shit-

1. The reason this is late is that I worked all fucking week on a program I didn't even finish.
2. It has only just now occurred to me that this site is maudiesLEAUGE.blogspot. Now, that may look like I don't know how to spell at a fourth grade level, but I'm going to say that it was a great show of foresight, because now I don't think Joe Draker can accuse me of trademark infringement.

Alright, here we go. We're counting Ray Rice/AP jokes. I'm going for 9.

Sam vs. Larax: Sam inexplicably pulls a win out of his ass.

Sam's best: And my player that out-scored their projection by the most this week was... Arizona's D. When I wrote that sentence, a whoopee cushion went off in my head. I definitely didn't deserve this one. Shady did some stuff (although still went second fiddle to Darren Sproles, more on that later) and Wilson looked OK, I guess. Aside from that, nothing.

Sam's worst: Vincent Jackson is fucking killing me. I somehow thought that guy would be good. He's shat the bed two weeks in a row. I at least had the foresight to bench his ass, and good thing too- right now the Bucs are playing like they're unconscious in an elevator (that's one!) 56-0. Is he even playing?

Lara's best: Demarco Murray, Mark Ingram, and Aaron Rodgers. Holy. Fuck. Those three put up enough points to beat four teams in the league. How did you lose this game? Mark Ingram got hurt, and Torrey Smith decided to take the night off. How did that happen?

Lara's worst: Oh yeah, now I remember. What did I tell you after the draft? Anyone who puts the lazy, plodding sad-sack that is Chris Johnson on their fantasy team deserves what happens to them. You're better off letting AP babysit your kid (2.) Torrey Smith sucks, but let me know when you decide to bench him because that's when I bet on the Ravens and he scores 4 TD's.

Coco vs Bobby: I... just... I don't even know. Coco barely beat the guy who scored 50 points.

Coco's best: Buffalo's D. You have a serious problem when anyone from Buffalo is your knight in shining armor, let alone their defense. Aside from that... your bench, I guess? None of your players knocked somebody unconscious in an elevator? (3)

Coco's worst: Anyone who isn't Andrew Luck, Buffalo's defense, or a kicker. Everyone else sucked it up. Why in the shit did you start the fossilized remains of Fred Jackson at Miami, the best run defense in the league, instead of Alfred Morris, or frankly anyone else who was playing Jacksonville?

Bobby's worst: Bobby, I'm sorry, but there is nothing to put in the best category. Beast mode scored .3 points more than he was predicted to. That's it. You scored 4 million points last week, and then this week Coco only scores 80 points and still makes you pick out your switch. (4. There's no way I can keep this up... OR CAN I?)

Shelby Allen vs. Scarlett: Scarlett's receivers open cases of whoop ass, everyone gets injured.

Scarlett's best: Brandon Marshall was listed as “questionable” going into this game- I guess they meant like it was “questionable” as to whether or not he would score 25 or 50 points. Same with 

Crabtree- I guess since RG3 might have ended his career for the 5^th time the football gods showed mercy on everyone else on your roster.

Scarlett's worst: Oh, Robert. When he finally retires, he literally isn't going to have any legs left. It's time to play RG3 injury roulette! [Spins wheel]... and... Dislocated ankle! No timeline to return, although I'm sure he'll get out there 4 weeks before he's ready and straight up destroy a body part because Shanahan won't have the balls to bench him for the game that might have made them 4-12.Who would have thought that the team crudely named after the people who walked the Trail of Tears would have such shit luck?

Shelby's best: Here's a theory: I think whenever Brian Hartline goes crazy and scores 39 points some random game, I think it's actually Jordy Nelson in his jersey. All white football players look alike. Anyway, Jordy went crazy for 31 points, meaning most of the time, the Packers threw the ball, which means...

Shelby's worst: They didn't use Eddy Lacy much, probably because they don't need to risk the man going comatose before the packers disappoint their fans in the postseason. Or, considering that 8 of your 16 players are hurt, maybe you are just really, really good at breaking football players. Next time we do this, I'm going to buy you into a random fantasy league, and you draft nothing but Raiders and Seahawks.

Brandon vs. Luke: Brandon wins, but the real victory is that they both actually filled their rosters.

Brandon's best: Spoiler alert: Jimmy Graham is really, really good. So is Giovani Bernard, and to a lesser degree, so is Julian Edelman, or as I call him the poor man's Wes Welker.

Brandon's worst: Seahawks gave you a goose egg, Vereen gave you jack shit, and you had to realize you were kicking yourself in the cock when you started Shonn Greene over anybody. Here's hoping you start Asiata next week. Here's a weird fact: Brandon's running backs are back ups to a Bishop and a child abuser, and for once they're different people. (5)

Luke's best: I would have never guessed that the Cowboys would have come back that strong. Dez Bryant looked like he was playing for his life. Frank Gore, despite being 50 years old, is still a wrecking ball, Arian Foster played lights out, and for once, starting a fantasy player who starts for the Jets turned into a good move. Even Chicago played like crazy against the Niners, who were supposed to be the second coming this season.

Luke's worst: Luke, I want you to know this. Joe Flacco is an asshole when it comes to fantasy. Do you have Torrey Smith? He's going to throw to Dennis Pitta. Do you have Dennis Pitta? He's going to throw to Owen Daniels. Do you have Owen Daniels? He's handing it off to Ray Rice. Do you have Ray Rice? Because you should probably drop Ray Rice.(6)

Justin vs Shelby Rabb: Shelby benches Antonio Gates, sadness ensues.

Justin's best: Randall Cobb blew some shit up, along with Jeremy Hill and Martellus Bennett. This game was really close, but what's interesting to me is your benches. Shelby has Antonio Gates, so she should have lost because he went into crazy old man autopilot and pulled a Julius Thomas all over Seattle. Justin has Adrian Peterson on his bench, and should have lost because fuck Adrian Peterson. (7)

Justin's worst: I don't know why Kirk Cousins doesn't like Pierre Garcon- either he hates black people or the French. Either way, 1.2 points this week sucks donkey balls. Victor Cruz is still awesome, but Eli is only accurate up to five feet away from him, and even though it barely takes any time at all for Cruz to run 50 yards, it takes less time than that for the Giants O-line to fuck up and let little Manning Mouth Breather get his head ripped off.

Shelby's best: New England's D gave you 26 points, by far the most by anyone in this matchup. Seriously, where the hell did they come from? My guess is Bellichick heard that there might be a bigger bully than him in Minnesota and decided to shove leaves in EVERYONE's mouth. (8) Aside from that...

Shelby's worst: Everyone else kinda sucked. Sorry. I'm tired and I don't know how else to say it.

Nate vs. Bailee: Bailee gets to wear the fantasy pants in the house (and not in the sexy way... or is it?)

Bailee's best: So Darren Sproles is currently the number five runningback in fantasy football. Yes, you read that correctly. It doesn't sound right, does it? It's kinda like saying Roger Goodell is a competent league commissioner (8 ½?) Also, Julio Jones is a goddamn beast.

Bailee's worst: I wonder if Brees stopped throwing to Marques Colston because of the forward lateral he threw in the playoffs last year, or just because he's twice as slow and half as fast as Brandin Cooks. Either way, he gave you zilcho. Gronk sucked. Reggie Bush sucked, and Brees wasn't Brees, because it turns out that the quarterback needs to have some possession of the ball before he can score you points. Fucking Rob Ryan.

Nate's best: Dan Bailey. People don't give kickers no respect (me included) but that's awesome. Desean Jackson probably would have done better had he not broken his arm off, and Zac Stacy looks like he's starting to come around.

Nate's worst: If you had said to anybody “I'm going to bench Nick Foles and Matt Forte and put in Ahmad Bradshaw and Philip Rivers,” you would have been looked at like you have a dick growing out of your forehead. However, that would have given you the highest score of anyone in the league.

So that's about it. Final score: 8 ½ jokes.

Good enough.

Love you all.

Week 1 Round Up!

And just like that, week one is in the books.  Let’s see how it went!

Sam vs. Coco:  Sam wins because Andy Reid forgot he had Jamaal Charles.

Sam’s best:  Antonio Brown went on a fucking rampage.  I should have set the rules to give players 50 points if they kick any opposing player in the face (I still might.)  

Ertzwhile, Zach Ertz!

Sam’s worst:  Remember how I basically fellated Vincent Jackson in the last write-up?  He didn’t do shit.  He was thrown to 9 times, but Josh McCown channeled his inner Steve Urkel, so only 4 connections for 36 yards.  Also, I decided to pick up the kicker that was playing against the Broncos, so that when he missed that field goal I got to have some kind of weird existential crisis.

Coco’s best: Andrew Fucking Luck.  This always happens: just when I think that goddamn ogre is out of steam, he goes all “Eye of the Tiger” on the Broncos secondary in the second half.  Terrence Williams probably could have scored double what he did, but there was no way that Romo was going to let McCown get the worst quarterback award last week.  People say that Tony Romo isn’t clutch, but I argue the opposite- he’s the most clutch player in the game, it’s just that Jerry and Jason haven’t told him which team he’s supposed to throw to.  

Coco’s Worst:  If Andy Reid decides he’s just going to bench the best RB in the goddamn league, this might be a long season for Coco and I (I’ve got him in two other leagues.)  He got SEVEN carries.  Jesus.  Also, the Saints defense decided to make Matty Ice look like Peyton Manning, and gave Coco -1 points, which means that, technically, Matt Prater, Ray Rice, Tony Gonzales, and Rex Grossman all put up more points than the Saints D. 

Fucking Rob Ryan.

Larax vs. Scarlett:  Larax wins because Julius Thomas is a fucking monster.

Larax’s best:  Julius Thomas cock-slapped every single Colts defensive player on his way to getting 32(!!!) points.  Then, Chris Johnson got to look like Adrian Peterson for a minute because he was playing the Raiders, who are basically a lower-end Canadian Football League team at this point.  To be fair, a good start.  I’d probably put in another RB for when the Jets play a better team, such as Penn State, or Bowie High School.

Larax’s worst: What the hell happened to Aaron Rodgers?  The Seattle defense made his offensive line look like turnstiles, and made him look like one of the Carr brothers.  The Pack needs to get their shit together, or all Rodgers is going to be remembered for this season is the reunion of Hanz and Franz.  And the Jets defense somehow only scored 3 points against the Raiders.  Because the Jets.

Scarlett’s best:  Well, Matt Bryant got some action.  So… there’s that.  Denver got some things done against a rowdy ass offense.  So …there’s that too. Umm…..

Scarlett’s worst:  RG3 is now god-awful because he can’t run and can’t throw more than 20 feet with any accuracy.  Seriously- D-Jax, Pierre Garcon, Jordan Reed, and Alfred Morris.  With that offense, Scarlett could have scored more points than RGKnee.   Also, is Michael Crabtree hurt ALREADY?  

JESUS.  

Shelby Allen vs. Luke:  Shelby wins because Luke didn’t feel like playing a QB or defense.

Shelby’s best: Cordarrelle Patterson. Now I see why St. Louis is terrified of unarmed black men.  Second year wide outs are supposed to shine, but apparently they also turn into amazing RB’s too.  He’s like a 2010 Chris Johnson.  Carlos Hyde did more than pull his weight, and Philly’s defense helped them climb back from a 17 point deficit to beat… wait, the Jags?  Never mind.  You don’t get a trophy for scoring 9 points against Chad Henne.  Philadelphia can continue to fuck off.

Shelby’s worst:  Mostly injury related.  Eddy Lacy took a decent shot to the head that probably won’t impact his season, but will continue to fuel mine as well as everyone’s utter hatred of Seattle (but I bet he looks mean as shit in one of those Wes Welker helmets.)  Jordan Cameron is hurt to some unknown degree (seeing as he plays for the Browns, this is not surprising, since I’m pretty sure they don’t understand much about anything.)   Alshon has a hamstring injury, but he’ll be up and running soon.

Luke’s best:  I swear to god if Matt Stafford wasn’t throwing to Calvin Johnson, all anyone would talk about is how he always looks like just had his wisdom teeth removed.  Megatron single-handedly curb-stomped the Giants, and did it without celebrating excessively (take notes, Golden Tate, and also, shut the fuck up.)  Also, Dennis Pitta.  I feel like the guy should get double fantasy points because his name is Dennis.  Who’s scared of a guy named Dennis?  Probably St. Louis, because they’re best player is Tavon Austin, who is garbage.

Luke’s worst:  Didn’t play a quarterback, didn’t play a defense, and everyone else got half the points they were supposed to, and yet he only lost by 15.  Once Luke gets his hands on Fantasy Football for Dummies and learns how fantasy football works we’re all in deep shit, especially since Detroit is playing against JV secondaries all year.  Ben Tate’s knee has already called it quits (or maybe not.  The Browns probably don’t employ a doctor) so good luck leaning on Terrence West all year.

Brandon vs. Shelby Rabb:  Shelby wins because Matt Stafford goes ape-shit.

Shelby’s best:  I’ll admit it- for as much shit as I give that chipmunk lookalike, when Stafford is on, he’s fucking on.  30 points from a quarterback in this league is nothing short of badass.  Golden Tate caught some of those, and seeing as he’s now the number two in a pass first offense, he’s probably going to put up double digit games consistently.  If fantasy football scored points for every time somebody acted like an asshole, however, he’d score ten more points a game.  Greg Olsen, being the only person who can catch a pass in Carolina, did some work as well.

Shelby’s worst:  When you start Trent Richardson over RB who’s playing the Raiders, you deserve what happens to you.  Trent got 6 points, more than half of that from receptions, because Andrew Luck turns into a fucking warlock whenever his team gets down two touchdowns.  Chris Ivory rolled Oakland for 16 points.  Demaryius Thomas didn’t do a damn thing, because Peyton was only throwing to Orange Julius all night.  I wouldn’t expect 7 points from him very often.

Brandon’s best: A pretty consistent performance across the board.  Shane Vereen and Julian Edelman did pretty awesome, although they somehow got beat by the Dolphins.  Everyone else did exactly as expected.

Brandon’s worst:  Dude, what the fuck is up with you and your kickers?  You drafted one who isn’t playing, and dropped his ass for a kicker who… isn’t playing.  Are you and Luke just fucking with the rest of us? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON AROUND HERE? [smashes keyboard].

Justin vs. Nate: Justin wins the battle of the boring.

Justin’s best:  So Le’Veon Bell kicked ass.  It’s amazing what somebody can do in a professional sport when they aren’t completely baked.  Randall Cobb was basically the Packers offense on Thursday night, and Martellus Bennett actually decided to play football.  Crazy what that guy can do when he isn’t trying to catch ankle-level passes from Eli.  Speaking of which:

Justin’s worst:  Victor Cruz is New York’s Larry Fitzgerald.  He needs, no, he DESERVES, a quarterback who can help him light shit up.  People are saying that he was on his way to a rebound year, which isn’t true, because he’s awesome, but even if he was part Megatron, part Jerry Rice, and part Bruce Lee, he’d still need somebody to actually pass him the fucking ball, and THAT only happens when the Giants play the Patriots, for some reason. Fuck the Patriots for letting the worst Manning win the most Super Bowls.  

Nate’s best:  Matt Forte.  For some reason, it seems like he’s 40 years old, but that fucker puts up serious numbers.  And… that was the only guy who got more than he was projected.  Shit week, Nate.  Don’t worry though- Zac Stacy sucked the first few games last year, and Nick Foles should get his shit figured out.

Nate’s worst:  Larry Fitzgerald did roughly jack shit against the Chargers, but seeing how hard leaving Michael Floyd and Ted Ginn open bit their defense in the ass, I wouldn’t expect that to be a thing for long.  He’s the shit and other teams know it, but now they have to worry about some other guys, and he’s going to get more looks.  Also, I like how Nick Foles lost as many fumbles in one game against the fucking Jaguars as he did all of last year.  Because I am a hater.

Bailee vs. Bobby:  Bobby wins, outscores literally everybody.

Bobby’s best:  Just, fucking everyone.  Even his defense scored 18.  Three different players doubled their projections.  13 from Blair Walsh?  Almost 20 from VD?  25 from Beast Mode?  I’m going to blame luck and great scheduling, but this team still looks pretty fucking legit.

Bobby’s worst:  Brady.  If Tom Brady throws 55 passes, you’d expect him to put up 40 points, but instead, he throws one touchdown, 27 incompletions, gets sacked 4 times and fumbles twice.  The fact that this happened against Miami instead of, say, Seattle, makes me feel a little better about my odds to beat this team, but holy shit Bobby.

Bailee's best: Well, turns out I have to shut my goddamn mouth about Darren Sproles.  The guy catches passes, runs fast, and is too small to tackle by anyone in a Jaguars uniform.  Delanie Walker seems to be a comfort blanket for Jake Locker, and Carolina's D did what it was supposed to against the Bucs.

Bailee's worst: Let's all face it- Steven Jackson already has a foot in the grave.  Besides that, everyone seemed to come up just a buck short.  Although, considering who you were playing against, I guess it's OK for Brees, Julio, and Reggie Bush to get their shit games out of the way this week.

Pending trades: Nada.

Upcoming:

Sam vs. Larax:  Larax, I’m projected to beat you, but if we’ve learned anything from this week, it’s that projections don’t mean jack shit.  Defenses could be the deciding factor: one of us plays the Giants, one of us plays the Raiders.  Although, “play” doesn’t quite sound like the correct word.  Maybe “annihilate?”

Coco vs. Bobby:  We’ll find out if Andy Reid has truly lost his goddamn mind and sits JC down for a second straight game, and we’ll see if Bobby can put the same crazy ass numbers up next week.  I see the #2 WR slot and #2 RB slot being a huge game pivot here.

Scarlett vs. Shelby A:  So many questions here!  Will RG3 stop sucking? (No.)  Will Phil Dawson actually hit his field goals?  (No.)  Will Scarlett drop Johnny Manziel? (Hopefully.) Stay tuned!

Brandon vs. Luke: It’s the battle of the roster holes.  It looks like Luke’s got a defense in- will Brandon get a kicker?  This week, we might get to see what’s left of Cam Newton, and whether or not Dez will get thrown a ball that he can catch.  I bet Mike Evans blows up this week.  Call it a hunch.

Justin vs. Shelby R:  Justin is a pretty heavy favorite according to Yahoo, which means that Shelby R is probably going to wreck his shit.  However, if Miami’s RB’s were able to rip up the Patriots D, then I can’t wait to see what Adrian Peterson can do.  And the Titans D isn’t anywhere as good as the Niners, so maybe (MAYBE) Tony Romo does the thing where he throws for 600 yards in a game that doesn’t really matter.

Bailee vs. Nate:  The bad news:  Playing against your significant other in fantasy football is always a bitch when you lose.  The good news:  It’s so awesome to end every sports argument with “Oh, wait, didn’t I beat you in fantasy football? [drops mic.] ”  Larry Fitz has a comeback week.

Go Broncos!

-Sam, your benevolent-ish dictator.

Commish Note: Draft Review

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.