Wow. How long has it been? 4 weeks? Holy shit.
Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Sam, you gigantic, sexy, hairy pile of man meat, where the fuck have you been? Did you forget that you were the commissioner of a fantasy football league? You promised us updates! WHERE ARE OUR UPDATES, YOU GORGEOUS BULBOUS MAMMAL/HOUSE HYBRID?”
Well, OK. Here are my reasons.
1. I’m lazy.
2. ACL kicked my ass.
3. School shit.
4. I lost twice, and my ego is having a hard time recovering.
But I’m back, bitches!
However, before we get started about the thing you’re actually trying to read about, there’s something I need to talk about. This is completely off topic, so if you want to skip this part you can hit ctrl+f and type AND NOW THE PART ABOUT FOOTBALL and read it and then hopefully go about your fun and care-free lifestyles. Those of you with absolutely nothing better to do, follow me on this upcoming path of rage and hatred.
A little background: I am unreasonably in love with a show on adult swim called Rick and Morty. (All episodes available on adultswim.com. Go watch them. Now.) What I can do, thanks to the miracle of technology, though, is watch them on my phone, from wherever I please. Awesome, right?
Oh god, so wrong. So very wrong. The cosmic karmic payback I receive for being addicted to a show on my phone is something no man should have to bear. I’m subjected to this monstrosity, most of the time twice in a row, while I’m just trying to watch my goddamn cartoons. My hatred of it knows no bounds- it transcends different dimensions and flows through space and time. The fabric of my being is being torn apart from the fury I've felt since I was exposed to this horrible thing, this spawn of all that is wrong and unclean and terrible.
I should probably tell you now that this thing is a KFC commercial.
I want to show you the thing that I currently hate most in the world. I don’t suggest you watch it more than once.
It started off as an annoyance. When I first saw it, all I thought was, “Well, the main fat guy in front eating KFC is a shitty actor, and kind of a prick”, but that was all. But then I started thinking about it. Like, really thinking about it. That was my mistake.
Because something hit me, and the more I consider it, the truer it becomes: Literally everything in this commercial is awful.
For your consideration- look at this guy eating the chicken. He doesn't have a name in this commercial, but I’m sure he’s the second coming of Beelzebub. I’m just going to call him the Asshole. Were he not so goddamned unbearable, the Asshole would make an interesting case study, as literally every single thing the Asshole says or does gives me this unholy urge to punch him in the face. From the shit eating, clearly forced HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE BEST THING I'VE EVER EATEN grin that the Asshole makes every time he takes a bite of his chicken strips, to the fact that he’s laughing at his friends’ (?) lunch, to “LOOKS LIKE A LOT OF BREAD LOL ZOMG”, to the shitty, snippy way he says “no chips no drink?”, to the way he keeps looking back at the camera, for literally NO REASON, to the idiotic “apology” at the end of the commercial.
I hate all of it. I wish harm on this man. I can’t help it. When I watch it, every time he gnaws off another chunk of chicken I hope that just this one time, he chokes, and that this other guy has to give him the Heimlich maneuver, only that guy fails, and somehow they both die. Does this make me a horrible person? Probably. Again, I can’t help it.
I feel this mixture of hatred and pity for the other guy. Clearly, this guy isn't KEWL because he’s only got A SANDWICH and wears GLASSES. I’m just going to call this guy Dumpy. Dumpy has a wrinkled shirt, stubble (NOT A FULL, MANLY, ASSHOLE BEARD) and apparently isn't employed, because buying chips and a goddamned drink was apparently completely out of the question. This is where it gets sad: He doesn't say he didn't want them. He said he didn't get them because they were EXTRA. He couldn't fucking afford them, and what does the Asshole do? He laughs. And Dumpy fucking takes it. The Asshole laughs at Dumpy for his misfortune, and all Dumpy does is sit there and take it. He doesn't even eat the sandwich. It’s like he can’t. I swear to God the guy looks like he’s about to start crying.
I’m in a crowded computer lab and I’m yelling at a computer monitor while I’m watching this. I can’t help myself.
“It’s OK, Dumpy! You don’t have to eat chips, or have a drink, or listen to this twat as he slobbers and drools over bits of fried horse! Eat your sandwich, get rid of that wrinkled, ugly-ass shirt, find a job, and move on from this horrible man who judges you while he might be literally eating shit! You deserve a better life, Dumpy! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, DUMPY! EYE OF THE FUCKING TIGER!”
I’m surrounded by the other computer science nerds. All of them know me, and none of them look the slightest bit surprised that I’m screaming at a computer. That says something, I think. Back to Dumpy.
Of course, Dumpy doesn’t do anything. He stares, angrily, clearly welling up with tears and spittle, and is forced to be jealous of THE ASSHOLE WHO IS EATING KFC. Imagine arriving at a point in your life where you are actually jealous of a one of your friends because he’s eating something that KFC claims to be chicken. Now imagine this man laughing at you. “Looks like a lot of bread! AT LEAST YOU GOT A FOOT OF IT LOL ZOMG!”
Imagine that man saying “Sorry!” when you both know he doesn't mean it. And then him actually confirming this. Imagine that guy laughing at you and then feigning sympathy just to be an even bigger jackass, all while eating something he knows you can’t afford.
I imagine 8 out of 10 people would kill this man. Of course, Dumpy can’t, because he’s sad, and hungry, and it would probably look bad since he’s right in the middle of…
Wait, where are they? There are computer monitors under… cinder blocks? I don’t see any computers besides the laptop in the back- is there another guy back there? Is he one of their co-workers? Why is he just listlessly shuffling around? What the fuck is going on here?
I’m trying to understand this particular situation:
Do these two guys work together in this shitty office, with just one other guy who does nothing except stand up out of his chair, walk two fucking feet, turn around and sit down? And does nothing whenever Dumpy gets picked on by the Asshole?
Are these guys in some sort of makeshift lunchroom? I guess that they both work in an office with a bunch of monitors, and only one computer that’s occupied by one sad, silent office worker? Is this the entirety of their office? Does this Asshole really have the right to judge Dumpy when they both work in this shithole?
Is this actually a successful office in which they are both employed, but aren't paid enough to buy a clothes iron or anything else that costs more than a five dollar foot long?
Am I wrong about Dumpy? Is he just a cheap dick who sends his friend’s cards with 5 dollar gift cards to KFC for their birthday? DO I NOW HAVE TO ROOT FOR THE WIDE EYED, SARCASTIC ASSHOLE? FUCK YOU DUMPY!
These are all horrible scenarios. Actually, every conceivable scenario is horrible. I challenge you to think of a situation in which any of this is OK.
Back to the Asshole… Why does he keep looking at me, and not Dumpy?
Does the asshole know he’s being filmed, and is looking back at the camera to further embarrass Dumpy? Or am I supposed to be just standing there, mute and paralyzed, unable to slam the Assholes head into his shitty food box, so that poor Dumpy can just eat his goddamned sandwich peacefully? Or is there no camera, no entity, and the Asshole is just looking away from Dumpy, except when he turns around to say his next shitty, patronizing, douchebag comment? The Asshole is shoveling shit on this guy’s life, and he can’t even fucking look at him while he’s doing it?
Somebody engineered this ad. That person is an agent of Satan. Creating this commercial involved the sacrifice of a goat and gallons of human blood. It’s that evil. If you want to kill this commercial, you would need the fucking pope.
I’ve lost faith in life from this. It haunts me. I had a nightmare last night- it was only blackness, except for the repeating, jagged sound of “no chips, no drink?...”
Fuck you, KFC. Fuck you in the neck with a toilet scrubber.
AND NOW THE PART ABOUT FOOTBALL.
Ain’t nobody got time for all of the league’s match-ups, so let’s just do a rundown by team, yeah?
From 1st to last:
Natural Born Millers: Sigh… alright. Let’s get this over with. So far, I’m either lucky as hell, or I’m absolutely, without a doubt, the worst luck for anybody else. People have scored an average of 84 points against me. Aside from Antonio Brown, I don’t have any consistent performers. My flex situation is fucked, and I think Rashad Jennings died about 5 weeks ago. I’m lucky. That’s it. OK?
Loss of the Season: Both of mine were awesome. Against the McCluster Fux, I was getting destroyed before I got out of bed (thanks, London) and against Brandon I lost by 2 fucking points. I don’t know why, but I see dark, dark days ahead for the Natural Born Millers.
Win of the season: Against Jerrywittentouchedme I had five players on a bye week, and still overcame. It sucks for the rest of the league that I can basically draft the Philadelphia Eagles and good things happen to me. Fuck the Eagles.
Next week: Got me some Luke. So Shelby A and I have been arguing pretty much since the football season started about the efficacy of Yahoo’s fantasy football vs ESPN, etc., and one thing I think we both agree on is that pretty much every point prediction for players is completely wrong. Russell Wilson is only going to put up 15 against the fucking Raiders? Yeah, OK. Yahoo currently has Robbie Gould projected to score 5.18, and it’s Chicago’s bye week. If I can get a defense, I feel good about this one.
Justin’s Team: For fuck’s sake, man. It’s week 9 and your team name is still “Justin’s Team?” Get it together bud. I’m formally declaring that if you haven’t changed your team name by this time next week, I’m doing it for you. (Same with Luke and Bobby.) Moving on. You know, for a guy who drafted Adrian Peterson, your team is actually turning out ok. I guess there’s something to be said for a guy who takes the time to hand-write his fantasy football notes.
Loss of the Season: This week, to Breesus Christ. You know that Jerry Jones was on site through Romo’s X-rays and medical checks during the Redskins game? He basically told the doctor to shoot him up with painkillers and then told Jason Garrett (aka pissboy) to get him the fuck back out there. Justin, Jerry Jones almost killed his quarterback and it was almost to your benefit. I, uh, I actually don’t have anything else for that one.
Win of the Season: Against Lara, you started Antone Smith over Jeremy Hill. And you won. Possibly because Le’Veon bell is a goddamn beast.
Next Week: Uh oh. Brian quick is hurt, Randall Cobb’s on a bye, and B$ is on a killing spree. Good luck buddy!
Mendanhally Resharded: Somebody’s been on the waiver wire. Justin Forsett, Branden Oliver, Josh Gordon and Andre Holmes were all solid pick-ups. Some savvy shit, right there. How do you think Gordon’s going to do when if he comes back? My guess is he gets re-suspended for two games.
Also, I like the Matt Prater pick up. He’s definitely in my top 10 of alcoholic kickers. I figured he would replace the alcoholic kicker in Oakland, but then I remembered that they are the Raiders, and aren’t allowed to do anything that makes any fucking sense.
Loss of the Season: The absolute worst part about fantasy football isn’t getting completely destroyed by an opponent, as much as that sucks. The worst part is getting beat because you tried to play smart and it came back to kick you in the ass. See week 6: You could have won that game, if you had started Eddie Royal over Emmanuel Sanders. You could have won if you hadn’t started a badass Cincinnati defense over the team that was playing the best offense in the league. All you did was play in a way that made sense and the football gods pissed in your face. Fuck fantasy.
Win of the Season: Jesus. If you had switched out two players you would have scored 160 points last week.
Next Week: Justin is in bye week hell, and everyone seems to be on a roll on your fantasy team. Which means, of course, that Justin will beat you by 50 points.
The McCluster Fux: By drafting a couple of over-achievers and picking up some nasty waiver wire players, you have suddenly vaulted yourself into 4th place. Nice work. See, this is why fantasy blows: I’m ecstatic that Ronnie Hillman is playing amazingly, and now I hate myself for feeling upset that it means Montee Ball is now completely useless. Great. Don’t worry though, I’m sure the Broncos will trade him just in time for him to turn into superman and wreck everyone’s shit in the NFC north or wherever.
Loss of the Season: You’ve only had one loss since my, uh, sabbatical. Quick: Guess who was playing quarterback on Shelby R’s team. I’ll give you a hint: ELI FUCKING MANNING. I’m convinced that Eli isn’t stupid. I think he’s just breathtakingly cruel to his fan base.
Win of the Season: You have been blowing out teams, mine included, whenever your team isn’t prominently featuring the New York Giants. Also, how is every game you play either a blowout on one or the other side?
Next Week: You and Coco have everyone on bye weeks, and not anyone to replace them. Who knows what will happen?
OnceWittenTwiceShy: Coco, I love you, and I have to tell you this: I have James Jones in another league. He’s a good receiver, and he’s got a quarterback who 1. plays for the Raiders and 2. Might not suck entirely. I don’t know how to process this information, except to remember that the last time thiswas the case was when I was high school. I digress. The point is that I have Jones in another league and I’m not putting up shit. This isn’t because I’ve drafted bad players, but because James Jones, as a raider, has the effect of ruining other players fantasy points. I can guarantee you that the reason certain players have better years than others is because the majority of the fantasy teams on which they were drafted contained players from the Raiders. I would bet all of the money I have that there’s a trend.
Anyway.
Loss of the Season: So you and I, so far, are the only people to lose by less than three points. I feel I speak for both of us when I say that fucking blows. And I can see why it happened. You made a judgement call that Alfred Morris and Jamaal Charles would be a better option than Jamaal Charles and Andre Johnson. It’s the choice between playing a great runningback who doesn’t have a quarterback vs. a great receiver who doesn’t have a quarterback. You made the smart play, and you got fucked over, and I’m sorry.
Win of the Season: Of course, three weeks later, you beat Bailee by 3 points. I take back all of the sympathy. Not cool, bro.
Next week: See above
Breesus Christ: Since I’ve had some input on most if not all of the fantasy football decisions you’ve made, I can’t really tell you anything without it being some sort of reflection on myself. So I’m just going to cut straight to the core of what happened, and talk about the things I recommended on your team that ended up sucking: Jordan Cameron, Jordan Cameron, and Jordan Cameron. That guy either plays like shit or doesn’t play at all. My bad. I’ll take the heat on that one. Also I basically decided I was going to tell everyone and their mom that Cordarelle patterson was going to be the undisputed truth in his second season. I figured, solid stats last year+second year WR on a rebuilding team+nobody knows how to pronounce his goddamn name == winner. That, uh, didn’t work out well. I kinda forgot that Matt Cassell was his quarterback. Should have seen that coming.
Loss of the Season: So when you played Brandon, you guys put up something like a combined 99 points. I feel like you both lost in that game.
Win of the Season: I’d like to thank you for beating Justin’s team Justin’s Team. Good win against a good team, and this decision has nothing to do with the fact that because you beat him I am still in first place.
Next Week: Battle of the Brees teams. You two get your bye week shit figured out, then we’ll see which Brees blows better.
The Brees Knees: So you’re either going to score more than 120 or fewer than 75, like, every single game. What’s weird about this is that your team’s score is directly affected by whether or not the saints are playing in the dome. Except when the Saints played the Browns, whenever Drew Brees wasn’t playing in the superdome, you lost. If you lose when Brees loses, I think you should change your team name to something involving Charlie Sheen.
Loss of the Season: Week 6. That is all.
Win of the Season: Week 5. Saints play the Bucs at home, and then don’t play at all the next week. It’s almost eerie.
Next Week: Your best receiver and your best runningback are on a bye, and Brees is playing at Carolina. This… may not be your week.
JerryWittenTouchedMe: So you have the streakiest team that has ever streaked across the streaking station. You put up 178 points in one week, and literally cut your score in half the next week. What the whole, entire fuck? I don’t know how you’re only 3-5, because your team is awesome. My guess is that you have both Philip rivers and Jay Cutler, the second and first most punchable faces in the NFL. Did you know that I enjoy making up rumors about Phil Rivers? I’ve been doing it ever since he got caught with that transvestite in Taiwan.
Loss of the Season: Holy shit did you really only lose by .6 points? What did you do in a past life?
Win of the Season: One Hundred and Seventy-Eight points. Holy shit-snacks.
Next week: Forte and Cutler and your defense on a bye? Like Mother Theresa once said: “Son, you might be fucked.”
WeedenStartTheFire: I don't get this one, like, at all. How can a team named after the second best quarterback in Dallas only go 3-5? Your team is so good on paper. You have a top 5 QB, a top 5 TE, a top 5 WR and a top 1 RB, and you keep getting edged out. How does somebody have Demarco, Rodgers and Keenan Allen and you're in 9th? This fantasy football shit is just weird. Also, I have to say this: whenever I see your team name, I can only read it in the same way you sing off key to that shitty Billy Joel song. Thanks a lot for that. Really.
Loss of the Season: Last week, you would have won had you sat Aaron Rodgers and started your backup QB. You seem to have this syndrome where you draft players who will go ape-fuck while sitting on the bench and then NEVER do it again. Sorry, love. If it's any consolation, I think that...
sorry. Zoned out. Had Billy Joel stuck in my head. THANKS AGAIN FOR THAT. REALLY.
Win of the Season: Week four, Broncos bye week. You can't play orange Julius, so you're left playing what Yahoo calls the “Slow-Footed” Larry Donnell. 32 points later...
Next Week: You're a 91 percent favorite, but Nate hasn't switched out his players on byes. So, no fucking idea bro.
Luke Kiely's Team: I swear to god I'm going to start changing people's names. I know it's your team, Luke. Unless you haven't thought of a team name yet. Here, I got one- Kylie-to's Way. Boom. That's what your team name will be in a week. Gotta be better than the name you have now. Let's just look at the bottom three teams, OK? Two don't even have team names, and one is a Frankenstein of a girl's name and RG3. Coincidence? Probably. Whatever. That's your new team name. You’re welcome.
Loss of the Season: So when you played Scarlet, you lost 68 to 75. Both of you had people who were injured, or on bye, and I'm pretty sure you and Scar aren't even reading this anyway, so I'll just say that we miss you. Come back to us, Kiely-to's Way and ScarG3. We aren't complete without you.
Win of the Season: Calvin Johnson didn't even play in week 6 and you still won by 36. The Madden Curse lives?
Next Week: ME, BABY, ME. Get some.
Bobby's Boss Team: OK, so this one I'm not actually sure about. The name “Bobby's team” kinda sucks. “Bobby's Boss Team”, however, is actually ok-sounding. I don't know what it is. It's kinda like the guitarist for U2, aka The Edge. It's one of those things that's so lame it's almost cool. I imagine your team rocking a goatee and a Gibson Xplorer and a beanie while playing something that's like music, only so, so much worse. Seriously, U2 has jumped the shark and landed in the land of cheese balls. (No, I don't know what that means. This fucking re-cap is almost 3500 words long. Cut me some slack.)
Loss of the Season: It's always fun to lose by twice your score, but looking back at week five, I think I know what happened. Yahoo predicted you would lose by 1/5 of a point, and instead... well, you could have started anyone and lost. I know that feeling well, the Edge. I know that feeling well.
Win of the Season: You have won a single game since the last one of these I've written. So let's go with that one.
ScarG3: I, uh, I don't even think Scarlet's even playing anymore. Frankly, I don't blame her. Fantasy football is a horrible, evil bitch with literally no redeeming qualities. The only way to win the game is not to play. Instead of writing something about this team, I'm going to say that your best win was to stop playing. If, however, on the off chance you are still playing the game, just know that it's never too late to come back.
I leave you with this:
Next Week: ME, BABY, ME. Get some.
Bobby's Boss Team: OK, so this one I'm not actually sure about. The name “Bobby's team” kinda sucks. “Bobby's Boss Team”, however, is actually ok-sounding. I don't know what it is. It's kinda like the guitarist for U2, aka The Edge. It's one of those things that's so lame it's almost cool. I imagine your team rocking a goatee and a Gibson Xplorer and a beanie while playing something that's like music, only so, so much worse. Seriously, U2 has jumped the shark and landed in the land of cheese balls. (No, I don't know what that means. This fucking re-cap is almost 3500 words long. Cut me some slack.)
Loss of the Season: It's always fun to lose by twice your score, but looking back at week five, I think I know what happened. Yahoo predicted you would lose by 1/5 of a point, and instead... well, you could have started anyone and lost. I know that feeling well, the Edge. I know that feeling well.
Win of the Season: You have won a single game since the last one of these I've written. So let's go with that one.
ScarG3: I, uh, I don't even think Scarlet's even playing anymore. Frankly, I don't blame her. Fantasy football is a horrible, evil bitch with literally no redeeming qualities. The only way to win the game is not to play. Instead of writing something about this team, I'm going to say that your best win was to stop playing. If, however, on the off chance you are still playing the game, just know that it's never too late to come back.
I leave you with this:
