Vacation's over

Wow! So... a fantasy football write up. I have missed these- you know you've got a lot going on when you go undefeated for 7 games but are too busy to talk shit to your friends about it. But I got some time this week! So like Christmas morning, I got done my double, sober and ready to pick out the songs I'm going to force you poor fucks to listen to while I declare how awful your teams have been, only to realize- this is all just so sad. 7 teams have losing records. 4 teams have only 2 wins. This is awful.

Should I even do this? I know how much you people drink already, and I feel like feeding you people any more depression would make your livers preemptively mercy-kill themselves.

I would have to be a heartless monster to punch down on all of you, especially if said monster was completely dominating the league he started, and hasn't exactly been polite when he writes about what's happening.

I mean, fuck- that kind of person would have to be one of the most heartless, emotionally vacant jackasses that the world has ever produced. This coffin worm in human form would probably start with the weakest teams, because he's lazy and they would be the easiest targets, working his way to the teams that are still weaker than his, but not hilariously so. He would then probably spend too much time talking about how his team is undefeated, and in the process, making even the most boisterous Patriots fan look like Mr. Rogers with a severe case of self doubt. No nice person would write 4500 words to tell their friends how much they suck.

Let's get to work! I'm mostly looking at match ups that have happened since the last time I did this, because I'm tired and it's really hard to check ESPN scores through a laptop, let alone a laptop with a broken M key. Sue me.

Alex- Points For: 595.5 Points Against: 754.5

Your best win so far- Beat Rabb by 9

Your worst loss so far – Fuck it, pick one

Dude, what the fuck. I'm not even sure how you pulled this off. I'm going back through your scores, and the only thing even remotely appreciable about this team is this: the one week that half your fucking team wasn't on a bye week, you scored a whopping 62 points. Your week six ended with your team having a lower score than Trump's IQ. My favorite part of your team is the breathtaking performances of the Panthers defense, giving you -1, 3, and -6. Jesus man- you should try your hand at fantasy golf.

But hey, you did have a strong outing against Lara in week 5. This was led by strong performances from Sammie Coates (who is now injured), Martellus Bennett (who is now injured), and Terrance West (who... wait for it... is now injured.) Did I say you should try fantasy golf? I meant fantasy Physical Rehab nurses. This shit is fucked up, man. I now see why your team's icon is a flask.

It isn't even looking good for you down the line- as of this, you're currently starting the 31^st and 45^th best RB's, the 34^th and 52^nd WR's, and the 24^th best defense (which seems high for the Jets.) This league has 12 fucking teams- how do you have the 24^th best defense? If you add up the ranks of your players, you'd probably surpass Malaysia's GDP.

Your last game was absolutely heart-wrenching. You ended up with no remaining players and up 22 points at the end of the afternoon games. You ended up losing by 42 points, to me. My best player was in a game that ended in a 6-6 tie.

You better do something soon- you keep this shit up and there won't be enough alcohol or therapy in the world to make this right for you. You'll have to go be a soccer fan or something. Get your shit together.

Scarlett- Points For: 612.5 Points Against: 710.5

Your best win so far- Beat Brandon by 52

Your worst loss so far – Got popped, locked, and dropped by Lara by 44 points.

I'm assuming that since Team Oehlke is still her team name (and second worse next to Nate's team name, which I refuse to defile my new laptop with) she isn't actually reading these, so I'm just going to talk to everyone else about her while she isn't around. Welcome to the restaurant industry.

So let's be clear about this- none of you get to celebrate a victory against Scarlett. Her only significant victory happened because of a rare alignment of the sun and the stars that took place during a solar eclipse, and we have to be careful with that shit, because it could mean the apocalypse. Anytime Eli Manning actually looks like a quarterback, ODB does something more interesting than get his ass beat by a kickers net, and Jamaal Charles actually remembers how to runningback, it's not out of line to wonder if it's the end of days.

Also, this definitely wasn't the best opponent for her team to unleash the dogs of hell. When she clobbered Brandon, he had an injured Dez, an injured Eric Decker, and a hopefully soon to retire AP sitting on his bench because God himself probably wanted to show Scarlett some mercy. The highest scoring player on Brandon's team was Michael Thomas, who only scores anything whenever Drew Brees's corpse gets reanimated and he throws a touchdown to every single player on the Saints- Michael Thomas probably caught as many passes as the towel boy did that day. Fuck, even future washout Colby Fleener, who is constantly finding new and interesting ways to fuck up fantasy teams everywhere, got more points than Michael fucking Thomas.

Actually, now that I look at this, Scarlett only seems to win whenever Colby Fleener scores fantasy points, which is a fancier way of saying she is fucked. Whatever. I'm sure Scarlett and her super cool team with the super awesome name can totally turn this thing around and secure BWAHAHAHA I'm kidding she's still fucked.

Nate- Points For: 626.5 Points Against: 727

Your best win so far- Beat Alex by 43

Your worst loss so far – Show me on this doll where Rabb beat you by 50 points

First things first- you decided to name your team after Willie Snead (I think, because it doesn't actually make any sense, unless it's some kind of drunk inside joke I'm never going to get, in which case, fuck you.) How's he doing for you? Wow, he got you a 12.5 point game on your bench once? Definitely a solid move to franchise tag THAT guy. I hope you drop him, trade for Mason Crosby, pick up Kenny Stills and Darrel Young, and change your team's shit-awful name to Crosby, Stills and Young. This might seem like a waste of your time, but considering how your season's going, it could be the most interesting thing about your team by the time this is all over. I won't even give you shit for keeping the three exclamation points at the end, because it might still be the least terrible thing about this team.

The one loss you had (that wasn't you getting blown the fuck out) was from one Bailee Boxwell- this one is fun to look at. Even though you got an amazing game out of Antonio Brown, and the best games of the season from Jordy Nelson and Darren Sproles (remember when Bailee hit you because you drafted him before she did? I do. That was fun) all of her players decided, collectively, to become greater than the sum of their independent parts. Christ, even Kyle “I suck, even by the standards of NFL players named Kyle” Rudolph went into double digits, presumably because nobody ever wants to lose to a team called [redacted]. Except, of course, Alex, who apparently wants to lose to everybody.

Question- you've started the Texans defense almost every week, and they've done nothing but kick you in the dick. You realize that you can pick up different players, right? Wait, did you not know this? It's all starting to make sense. It's why you have two kickers, it's why you refuse to drop the statistical dumpster fire that is Willie Snead, and it's why you're still hanging on to Steve Smith Sr, who is nursing an ankle injury and will probably be a Viagra spokesperson by this time next year.

Fuck Willie Snead in his terrible hair with Cole Beasley's entire body.

JD- Points For: 655.5 Points Against: 716.5

Your best win so far- Beat Leitner by 40.5

Your worst loss so far – Bailee re-routed your shit and handed you a 56.5 point loss.

It's pretty noteworthy that you've consistently been wrong in answering who you should start between Ben Roethlisberger and Matt Stafford. What this means is that, mathematically speaking, Big Ben's well deserved injury has vastly improved your decision making. That's a good sign, right? Now all we need to do is get you to pick one of your two mediocre defenses and one of your two mediocre TE's. 

 I was going to say we need you to pick between your RB's, but don't worry- injuries are starting to do that for you. Doug Martin is hurt, Devonta is hurt. Jay Ajayi is putting up beastly numbers but is already suffering from cramps and oxygen loss. Who would have thought that forcing one guy to run for over 200 yards every Sunday in the middle of the South Florida sun would take a toll on a guys body?

Now, I'm not saying that it wasn't a good thing that you held on to DeVontae Booker, after he fumbled on literally his first NFL carry and took his sweet time looking like he'd get any better. But take it as a guy who knows- the Bronco's fantasy RB situation has been a train wreck since Terrell Davis got his knee blown out. Remember Knowshon Moreno? How about Ronnie Hillman? How about Willis McGahee? Of course you don't, because you're a human being. Fun fact- our all time best RB, fantasy football wise, is Clinton Portis, who you may know as being a famous RB for the Washington Football Team. Denver's RB's exist to do one thing, and one thing only- they'll either break your heart, or they'll get injured, and then drop-kick into suplex your heart.

And what the fuck is Jordan Matthew's problem? This guy has an awesome rookie QB that he now has a chance to bond with, but he's doing worse than when Sam Bradford and Mark Sanchez were throwing passes to him. He should be like your other terrible receiver Michael Floyd, who sucks, but sucks consistently, and at no point after 2009 has given off any inclination that he won't suck.

Here's a free piece of advice- don't drop Chris Ivory, because as somebody who has repeatedly dropped Chris Ivory only to see him go on to destroy the competition, I can tell you this- he won't ever be good for you, but there's no point in giving anyone that kind of advantage.

Shelby Allen- Points For: 684.5 Points Against: 707.5

Your best win so far- Beat Nate by 49

Your worst loss so far – The whole school watched as Leitner gave you a wedgie- actually, as he gave you 31.5 wedgies

So I think I once heard you say that you sometimes pick your team members by how attractive they are. This would make sense, because odds are, they're going to fuck you anyway.

Look, I'm trying to talk shit here, but this is just sad. Your RB situation was a goddamn disaster before your two consistent starters got hurt, although I can't decide if Arian Foster's retirement improved your team or not. But last week, it looked like it was all about to change. You benched Theo Riddick (who sucks) and started Jeremy Hill (who only sucks 66 percent of the time.) You started CJ Anderson, and you laid Nate the fuck out. And that happened even with your defense giving you negative points. Things were looking up.

But then the news started rolling in- CJ Anderson now has a knee injury, and is out for the season. I'm not a physician- to quote the great Phillip J. Fry, I can't even find my own uterus, but I've heard that knee injuries don't seem to bode well for football players. I'll tell you what I told JD- the Broncos RB core was designed in a lab to ensure misery for fantasy football owners.

What else? Oh right- the defense. Jesus. You had the Rams defense, which wasn't the worst thing in the world, but then they had a bye week. You then, for reasons scientists and sociologist will probably spend decades trying to explain, picked up the Titans D. Yes, the Tennessee Titans. Those playing along at home may know the Titans as being the worst team in a division that contains the Texans and the Jaguars. It's probably not good when you have a better chance of victory when you bench the only defense on your team. I've been racking my brain, and the only explanation I have is that you thought they were the Titans coached by Denzel Washington and Will Patton.

Leitner- Points For: 705.5 Points Against: 605

Your best win so far- Beat Scarlett by 45.5

Your worst loss so far – Week three, where JD outscored you by 40.5 and mentally scarred you for life

OK. First things first- HOW THE FUCK IS THIS TEAM 5-2? Oh right- dumb fucking luck. You have the lowest number of points scored against you and half the league has scored more than you have. It's nearly a mathematical certainty that you're going to lose the rest of the season, based purely on the law of averages, unless there's some sort of creepy voodoo that you've harnessed. There's literally no other explanation.

It certainly isn't your players. The highest score you've ever got out of a WR was 20.5. Sorry, what I meant was that 20.5 is the best score weekly score of all of your WR's combined.

Your TE, Dennis Pitta, is mostly famous for breaking his hip, and also being named “Dennis.” 6 points a game is his ceiling, man. Let's come to terms with it, and move on. Oh, how's Todd Gurley doing? You drafted him with your first pick, and he's barely hovering around 10.5 points a game. God dammit, I called it. If you lean on the sophomore seasons of Alabama players, you absolutely deserve what happens to you.

Oh, good! You picked up Tyler Eifart! That's awesome. He's going to give you a monster game this week in London. But, let's all be honest, we should hope that he hurts himself- the way that God has it out for that guy, if he stays healthy, the entire Cincinnati Bengals team will die in a plane crash on the way back. Tyler Eifart's life is basically Final Destination 8.

I'm glad you finally dumped Marcus Mariota and picked up Carson Wentz. But dude, we both know how this goes. Carson Wentz won some games for Philly, but that can't last forever, because it's Philly. At that point, all it will take is one fumble for the fans to run him out of town, and you'll be starting Kirk Cousins. Captain Kirk is on a one year contract, and considering he plays for the Washington [redacted], he's probably going to play as well as he can (which isn't great) until week 11 or so, when the Cowboys have essentially made the rest of their season useless. Then he'll phone it in until he cashes his 20 million dollar paycheck. Then, he'll hopefully do the morally sensible thing and fuck off, where he'll probably drink until he can't taste Dan Snyder's dick anymore.

Rabb- Points For: 709.5 Points Against: 642

Your best win so far- Beat Nathan by 50

Your worst loss so far – You lost by 11 points in week 1 to Alex. I, uh, I don't have a joke for that.

Dude- I don't think I've ever seen this. In literally every single one of your losses, you could have won if you had simply made one different roster move. Play John Brown over Davante Parker in one week, play the Chiefs defense instead of the Steelers in another, and you've got the second best record in the league.

OK, I'm willing to accept my part of the blame on this one- last week, had you started the bipedal disappointment that is Tavon Austin instead of born-again disappointment Allen Robinson, you would have won. Fine, so maybe I told you that Tavon Austin was the absolute worst the day after you drafted him, but let's be honest- I'm a guy that has nothing better to do than talk shit about a meaningless virtual contest built around a morally bankrupt tire-fire of a sports league, so maybe you should take anything I say with a grain of salt.

Your injury situation isn't great either. Right now, you have players with: 1 knee injury, 1 hamstring injury, 1 shoulder injury, 1 case of turf toe, and 1 set of complications from sickle cell anemia. All you need is Brain freeze, writers cramp, and broken heart and you've officially dominated the fantasy version of the board game Operation.

But most of this bullshit is still on you, ma'am. First of all, Bilal Powell is so terrible that he's psychically tearing your team down, even as he's perpetually stuck on your bench. Look, I know Joe Flacco won a Super Bowl, but do you know who he was playing against? Colin Fucking Kaepernick, who was benched for Blaine Gabbert, who was then replaced by Kaepernick because Chip Kelly is a fucking lunatic. Your mediocrity, ultimately, rests on you. You didn't shoot the messenger, thanks for that. 

You also didn't beat me in fantasy football. I'd say thanks, but I'm pretty sure I should thank the part of your brain that decided to bench Kansas City (8^th best, would have given you 11 points) for the Steelers (27^th place, gave you -4). Big ups!

Nick- Points For: 716.5 Points Against: 733.5

Your best win so far- Beat Alex by 65.5

Your worst loss so far – That time Lara slapped you with her metaphorical 37 point cock.

Well, the good news is that Rob Gronkowski is starting to play football again, and Andrew Luck is occasionally remembering that he's an NFL quarterback, and not just a poorly disguised ogre. The bad news is, unsurprisingly, everything else.

You have good players. You really do. The problem, however, is consistency. Because it doesn't matter if your entire team decides to go apeshit (like it did in your epic victory over the guy in last place) if they can't do it on at least a somewhat regular basis.

James White could have been a solid pick up, but it's a documented fact that Bill Bellichick absolutely despises fantasy football, and will do everything in his power to ensure that anyone playing one of his RB's will end their Sundays laying drunk in the fetal position. Ask anyone who's ever needed something out of Shane Vereen, Jonas Gray, Stevan Ridley or Dion Lewis and they'll tell you the exact same thing, once they've stopped their hysterical crying long enough to answer the question.

Deandre fucking Hopkins. What a let down. Houston's quarterbacks have always been trash, but now that they're paying one 72 million dollars, it's driven down the value of Deandre. How does that happen? Is DeAndre Jealous? Does God hate Houston? This is why fantasy football is such a nightmare. DeAndre is 6'5, 600 pounds, eats boulders for recreation and is probably the son of Hercules but he's getting his ass kicked by somebody named Will Fuller.

I see you've also been handed -4 points by the Steelers defense. Look, when a team's starting QB makes Donald Trump look like a respectable citizen, they can only avoid the karmic payback for so long. The Steelers are on the way to self destruction, and we should all be grateful. Fuck them. I'm glad you dumped them and got a respectable defense, like... The Jaguars. -1 points. Whelp.

Also, you took a kicker in the 12^th round. Remember when you took a kicker in the 12^th round? He gave you -1 points that one week.

Larax- Points For: 735.5 Points Against: 668.5

Your best win so far- Beat Scarlett by 44

Your worst loss so far – Rabb took you out to the woodshed for 36 points of ass whooping

So, despite everything that is just and right in the world, Phillip Rivers continues his fantasy dominance. Here's a fun story that hasn't made its way out of Reddit yet-

Phillip Rivers was actually driving the bus containing Donald Trump and Billy Bush during the notorious “grab them by the pussy” conversation. They were actually on the set of Days of Our Lives, where old man Rivers was auditioning for the part of Stefano DiMera's secret gay lover. 

Unfortunately, the producers took a pass on him, in no small part because Mr. Rivers showed up with a Hitler mustache. After that, he mostly focused on football, once he overcame his crippling cocaine addiction.

I guess I shouldn't be surprised that the backup RB for the Falcons consistently out-performed the starting RB for the Jets, but what does surprise me is that you continued to start him, in the hope that he'd do anything other than give you a miserable 7 points a game. Yes, he was awesome when he was the only thing going for a Bears team that wasn't entirely functionally useless and when he was 5 years younger, but enough is enough. Forte needs to take a note from Arian Foster and retire with at least some kind of dignity. My guess is that he won't, and he'll go out like Patrick Ewing, where the last thing anyone remembers about him is the time he rim choked on a dunk around the same time ESPN started using high def cameras behind the backboard.

Wait, Michael Crabtree is good now? How the fuck did that happen? He went from getting called out by Richard Sherman for being mediocre to suddenly being less than mediocre, but now he's good enough to score more than -5 points a game despite the fact that he'll never make the post-season? Welcome to the Raiders, Michael. He must feel like a varsity player guest starring for the C-team.

You sat Jason Witten, and that must have felt terrible. There isn't a person on the planet who doesn't secretly want to see Jason Witten succeed- even Washington [redacted] fans have to look at that slow, slobbering asshole and hope that he gets one more playoff run. His entire career has basically turned into the last quarter of the movie Rudy.

In conclusion, fuck Phillip Rivers.

Bailee- Points For: 744.5 Points Against: 649.5

Your best win so far- Beat JD by 56.5

Your worst loss so far – Your loss to Lara by 33 was so sad, George Straight and Garth Brooks are arguing over who gets to write a shitty country song about it

If I was going to sum your team up in one sentence, it would be this- Drew Brees, LeSean McCoy, Ezekiel Elliot, and a whole lot of douchebags that have no business scoring serious fantasy points.

Look, if somebody gets beat in fantasy because three of their opponents awesome players tear them apart, they get to complain about it, because sometimes there is absolutely nothing you can do. Ezekiel and LeSean are the 4^th and 5^th best at the position, Drew Brees continues to do Drew Brees (which is throw 6 TD's a game and still lose) and that should be fucking it. I wouldn't mind being able to say I lost to a team with those guys starting. But if I also have to say that I lost to a team that started Victor Cruz and Zach Ertz (the worst of your three(why?) tight ends) then anyone who knows anything about this horrible game gets to laugh at me, further eroding whatever dignity I have left.

That's right- your backup players are so terrible that they're literally lowering my self esteem, and you're 5-2. God dammit.

Let's just list your wide recievers- Golden Tate, Victor Cruz, Kenny Stills, Tyler Lockett, and Pierre garcon. Now let's see what every single fantasy football aggregate has to say about them- low-end flex play, low-end flex play, low-end flex play, low-end flex play, and low-end flex play. You're 5-2 and your highest ranked WR is #41 overall. There is no god.

Hopefully you continue to start defenses that play abysmally, and your team gets sent to the bottom half like it deserves.

Brandon- Points For: 746.5 Points Against: 789.5

Your best win so far- Beat Nick by 18.5

Your worst loss so far – When the Cleveland Browns are feeling the saddums, they can remember the week you lost to Scarlett by 52.5, and realize things could always be worse.

You got roped in the trade you made with Leitner. You gave up Blount and Michael Thomas for Mark Ingram and Julian Edelman? Are you fucking crazy? Blount was giving you more points than those shitheels combined and Thomas was finally starting to find a groove, and now you have one of three backs in the 27^th ranked run game and Tom Brady's 4^th checkdown (5^th if you count James White.) Good luck with that shit.

Look, man- I get it. Adrian Peterson got hurt, and then Dez started to suck, and then Doug Baldwin spent all of his energy on the first three games of the season. It doesn't feel good. But there's always a tomorrow, and there isn't any reason to blow your team up right now. Settle down, take some deep breaths. Shhh... It will be OK. Just... give me the computer, OK? Let's not hurt your team in ways it won't come back from.

I mean, did you ever consider trading for a TE that wasn't Jimmy Graham? And why do you have him and Doug Baldwin on the same team? Do you think there's a chance in hell that they'll both score points in the same week? Did you watch the game on Sunday night? It was less fun than a trip to the dentist. The Seattle Seahawks are so good at defense that they've actually made their own offense worse.

Hey, at least you have Matt Ryan and DeMarco Murray. Fast forward to three weeks from now when you trade them for Marshawn Lynch and Keanu Reeves's character in The Replacements.

You and Bailee are both at 5-2, and you both have three mediocre TE's. I'm not sure there's even a correlation there. Maybe putting extra bullshit on your teams reduces the space for useful players, which makes you pay much more attention to the players you actually start. Are you making this hard on yourself on purpose? C'mon, man- life is stressful enough already.

You're a masochist. You have to be. There is no other way that this makes any sense.

Sam- Points For: 812 Points Against: 640.5

Your best win so far- Yes

Your worst loss so far – BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA---HAHAHAHAHA

This shit is already 4500 words long. Tell you what- email me your write up of my team to swellbo@gmail.com and I'll post it here.

I heart you all.

Week 2: "30 minutes before week 3 starts" edition

I’m not a fan of superstition, mostly because I’ve been trying to kill Philip Rivers with a comprehensive combination of voodoo hexes, animal sacrifices, and repeatedly calling Dick Cheney’s cell phone for pointers- nothing doing. I’d almost given up.

But then last fucking week happened, and literally everyone got injured, meaning I need to probably need to stay a little more sober whenever I pray for the destruction of the Oakland Raiders to every malevolent god I can think of. Otherwise, I apparently point their wrath in every other possible direction, because now every team is a train wreck.

So for everyone’s reference, I’m listing how many people are injured on your teams, because shit got ridiculous last week.

At this point, I should add that I finished writing this at 4 AM because you people should know just how terrible things are going for everyone who isn’t me before week 3 (more or less) officially starts, and because I decided to leave the bar early enough to pull this bullshit off. I will hopefully edit this before I post it because I don’t quite fit the classic definition of sober right now. I promise nothing. So as usual, sit down, shut the fuck up, and read this, because this will probably take me all goddamn night. (THIS ENDED UP TAKING ME UNTIL 30 MINUTES BEFORE SUNDAY FOOTBALL STARTS.  I HOPE YOU'RE ALL HAPPY.)

LET’S GET THIS HORSESHIT OVER WITH.

HEY NICK!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You beat: JD

Your record: 1-1

Number of injured players on your roster: 6(!)

The terrible twist of fate that has come to ruin you: Your RB injuries

So, how did it go?

Nick, you know that you’re my friend, so... here’s the thing. You get a pass this week. Your team got fucked by injuries. I went into this thinking I was going to talk an entire bushel of shit, but I can’t. Your team got fucked by things completely out of your control, and I can’t fault you for it. I’m not that heartless of a person.

The rest of the league needs to know what you’re going through. You just lost two good RB’s. Your team’s highest scoring player this week (WR Corey Coleman, a solid pickup thus far) broke his hand in practice. Gronk is doubtful for week three.

Andrew Luck, your starting QB, re-injured his shoulder and is now questionable.

None of this is your fault. It’s terrible.

But you still won! Probably a small consolation. But don’t lose heart! Granted, it doesn’t look good now, but it’s still so early in the season, and any person who thinks they know what will happen this season is out of their minds. You could still upset all of us.

But good luck, because this week took more than 1/3rd of your fantasy team out of commission.

Also, you drafted a fucking kicker in the 12^th round. Did you know that? Well, don’t worry, you can check for yourself. Thanks to Alex’s badass phone camera, you can now view the entire draft board on my facebook post. That means there’s photographic evidence on Facebook. It’s out in the interwebs, where it will exist forever- permanent proof that you took a fucking kicker in the 12^th round.

He gave you six points this week. Mazel Tov.

HEY JD! GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You lost to: Nick

Your record: 0-2

Number of injured players on your roster: 1

Your still over-rated shitball RB: Devonta Freeman

So, how did it go?

Well, the long answer is that your team underperformed this week. Devonta Freeman was going against Oaklands front 7 (which includes Khalil Mack, a tank with legs) and still gave you 9. Had you started Rapelisberger, you would have won by 1.5 points, but you made a good decision. Ben was playing a divisional rival, and Matt Stafford was playing against the Titans secondary (who don’t actually exist) after throwing for 340 and two touchdowns against Indianapolis. It didn’t work out. Doug Martin got hurt.

Jordan Matthews dropped a pass that would have scored you 10 points. Your kicker scored 15 points, beating anybody on your team not named Fat Stafford.

Things did not go well for you, and that objectively sucks. But it happens. Shitty start but it’s early and you still have moves you can make.

That’s the long answer.

The short answer is this: Go read all of things about Nick’s team- 6 injured players (his two starting RB’s are on IR.) His team is fucked.

And you lost to him. I’m genuinely impressed.

HEY JUSTIN!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You beat: Shelby Allen

Your record: 2-0-0

Number of injured players on your roster: 2 questionable and 1 suspended

Your WTF play of the week: Jack Doyle? TE? For… Indianapolis?

So, how did it go?

Jesus Christ. You scored 127 points this week. Only 2 of your players were in single digits. YOU SAT GURLEY. That’s officially awesome, because he’s kind of a bust, and only the savviest fantasy players have the courage to admit that.

Even out of your injuries- Decker is expected to play on Sunday despite his shoulder injury. Eifart might be coming back (in an alternate universe, and possibly even this one.) Your fantasy team looks awesome right now. Even your backup kicker scored more than… wait a second... (squints, double checks)

Wow. I’ve been giving Nick shit all month for drafting a kicker in the 12^th round, but at least he only took one of them. I don’t know what’s more sad- the fact that you have a backup kicker, or that he scored 8 more points that the kicker you actually played.

I’m trying to figure out how to make fun of you, but you scored 127 points. Seriously, you started the backup TE from the Colts, and he even gave you more than most TE’s did this week.

Congrats. You won. Good job. Fuck off.

HEY SHELBY ALLEN!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You lost to: Justin

Your record: 1-1

Number of injured players on your roster: 4

Your terrible player who still somehow underperformed: Sebastian Janikowski

So, how did it go?

God damn it, Arian Foster. Here’s the thing: We all want this dude to be good again. He was a badass in Houston, then got injured, then looked like he was on the verge of another unreal badass season, then got hurt again, then he started fresh for Miami.

And then he died on Sunday. Let’s rip this bandaid off- Arian Foster is done. Dump him and pick up somebody healthier, like Chris Bosh, or Magic Johnson.

But, there is at least some semblance of hope, and ironically enough, it’s due to injuries. Ameer Abdullah is hurt, meaning that Theo “Who the fuck is Theo Riddick?” Riddick is on deck to be the primary running back for the Detroit Lions. That, uh, that might not actually be a selling point. It’s a lot like saying that something is the cleanest hair in a pile of pubes.

Alshon is hurt, and now has Bryan Fucking Hoyer under and over-throwing him. Tom Brady is still suspended.

The worst part is that you would have got 26 points from somebody on your bench, and it wouldn’t have changed a goddamn thing.

Arian fucking Foster.

HEY BAILEE!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT (SORT OF)!

You beat: Alex

Your record: 1-1

Number of injured players on your roster: 4

The draft pick I’m going to continue to give you shit for: Donte “I sucked before I even got hurt” Moncrief

So, how did it go?

I mean... you won? Golden Tate shat the bed and one of your WR’s got hurt, but despite all reason, everyone else barely scraped by to get you the W. Stand tall!

It’s great to see Ezekiel Elliot scoring touchdowns. If there’s one thing I think we can all agree on, it’s that it’s good that the guy who just got cleared of his domestic assault charges is doing well in the NFL. Nice snag, Bailee!

I was totally wrong about Donte Moncrief, by the way. In the first write up, I predicted that Donte Moncrief was a terrible pick because he sucked- turns out that he was a terrible pick because he now has a fractured scapula. (For those of you wondering, the scapula is the shoulder blade. According to the Colt’s head coach, he can treat this with rest. This means Donte Moncrief can’t even get injured like a #1 WR.)

I have no fucking idea why people went overboard with drafting the Seahawks. Tyler Lockett played for a team that scored 3 points on Sunday, and that was one of his better games. Good luck with that shit.

Delanie Walker has a hamstring injury, and is questionable for Sunday (and also forever.)

Your opponent scored a whopping 73 points, and yet somehow you won! Fine work.

HEY ALEX!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT (DEFINITELY)!

You lost to: Bailee

Your record: 1-1

Number of injured players on your roster: 2

The worst player on your team this week: Yes

So, how did it go?

You scored 73 points. Lowest of anybody this week. You never had a chance.

Oh, wait. Had you started Martellus Bennett or Mike Wallace, you would have won. You would have somehow overcame the odds and defeated somebody who scored a whopping 85.5 points. But you lost. You know what? I was going to wait until later to bust that out, but you earned it.

Probably doesn’t help that Jonathan Stewart got injured. Also, probably doesn’t help that Sammy Watkins didn’t even wait until week 4 to get injured.

Question: Why the fuck do you have Tyler Ervin on your team? Do you think he’s related to Michael Ervin? My best guess is that you wanted somebody on your team who you know is going to hit rock bottom every week, so that when it’s all over you get to say “well, if nothing else, I made the correct decision to sit Tyler Ervin.” There’s no sane explanation. He started for the Texans, and scored as many points as Josh Gordon did for the Browns. For those not playing along at home, Josh Gordon is suspended.

And for fuck’s sake, I told you about Torrey Smith. After I’ve spent so much time coughing up thousands of words to write so many of these bullshit fantasy updates, you’d think somebody would listen to me. But fuck that- let’s just keep Torrey Smith. Sam won’t make fun of me for it or anything.

HEY SHELBY RABB!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You beat: Scarlett

Your record: 1-1

Number of injuries on your roster: 2

The only thing that keeps this team from being hot garbage: Greg Olsen

Well, shit. You were trying to sell your team via facebook last week, and now look at you. The only thing that sucked about your team was your WR group, and even they are starting to figure things out. With the exception of John Brown (who is now apparently perpetually concussed) they’re all on track for monster games. Allen Robinson will go hard as fuck- he’s due. TY Hilton is taking a break from practice this week to rest his knee, which means he’ll be good to catch all of the passes that would have gone to Donte Moncrief. Tyrell Williams is now one of the primary pass catchers now that Keenan Allen is broken. You even have DeVante Parker, who vacillates between being hurt and going ape-shit.

I mean, what am I supposed to talk shit about? Greg Olsen being the best TE in the fucking league? Carson Palmer thwomping the entire state of Florida? Frank Gore somehow not being terrible?

Welcome to fantasy football. Sometimes you suck, and then sometimes you suck but you still win.

HEY SCARLETT!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You lost to: Rabb

Your record: 0-2

Number of injured players on your roster: 4

Your shit-awful team name: Team Oehlke

I’ll take some of the blame for this one. I told you that Justin Forsett was going to be one of your best RB’s, and you started him over Isaiah Crowell. Granted, Crowell put up 14 last week before putting up 20.5 this week, and Justin Forsett put up jack shit last week and then jack shit minus 1.5 points this week, but dammit, I’m willing to accept my share of the blame.

But know this- this is what you get when you take advice from the guy who has nothing better to do with his Saturday night than use a stupid blog to talk shit about all of his friends, to all of his friends. You brought this on yourself.

The Patriots D was a disaster, even though they were playing the Dolphins, the team that is the spirit animal of disasters.

I’m done trying to pretend that Coby Fleener has a chance at being good. Fuck that guy. He only existed to fuck with the people who owned him while he played for the Colts, and now people think he’s going to be hot shit because a TE named Jimmy Graham (and not named Coby Fleener) used to be amazing in New Orleans 4 years ago.

But fucking hell- did you see Stefon Diggs? He almost gave you 30 points. Had he scored just one more touchdown, and Mason Crosby given you just 1 more field goal and 1 more extra point… you still would have lost. NEXT.

HEY LARAX!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You beat: Nate and/or Nathan

Your record: 2-0

Number of injured players on your roster: ZERO?

Your “this move was as bad as starting the Jets defense move” of the week: Starting the Jets defense

So, how did it go?

Well, fuck me. Had you benched AJ Green and TJ Yeldon and started Giovani Bernard and Tevin Coleman, you would have beaten Nate(than) by 37 points, instead of just a measly 15.5. Sucks to be you, I guess. Had you done all of that and also not started the fucking Jets defense you would have scored enough to break fantasy football on a multi-dimensional scale. So thanks for beating Nate in a resounding way while maintaining the fabric of reality. The stupid part of me that makes me stay up late at night to write this bullshit SINCERELY THANKS YOU, FUCKHEAD.

Jason Witten is your only TE, but he outscored AJ Green and tied Randall Cobb. How the fuck did that even happen? Jason Witten is basically Billy Bob from Varsity Blues, only slower. How does JJ Watt’s broken prototype make AJ Green look like a chump?

HOW DO YOU HAVE ZERO INJURIES? Were you seriously bitching about losing Keenan Allen while having nothing else on your roster to worry about? Phillip Rivers complains less whenever CPS takes his kids away every other month.

You’ve won two games in a row, despite starting the abject failure that is the New York Jets and the hilariously well documented choke artist that is Blair Walsh. Go buy some lottery tickets. I have nothing else for you. Good win.

You started the Jets defense and won.

Yes, those Jets.

HEY NATHAN AND/OR NATE!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You lost to: Somebody who started the Jets defense.

Your record: 1-1

Number of injuries on your roster: 2

Number of people who beat you this week after starting the Jets defense: 1

So, how did it go?

Take a long, hard look at the score. Drink it all in. Look at how Jordy somehow got you 15.5, then how the Texans gave you 15, then how Willie Snead somehow continues to not suck.

Then look at everyone else on your team. Look at how Rashad Jennings gave you jack shit and then got hurt. Look how Russell Wilson continues to be a schmuck. Look at how Jeremy Langford would probably still suck if he wasn’t playing for the fucking Bears.

You know what, nevermind. All you need to know is this- Your starters scored 89. Lara’s bench scored 91. There is nothing I can say that quite sums up how your week went like that statistic.

Just think- had both of you started the best players, Lara would have ran you harder than she did this week, somehow.

This isn’t your week, man.

HEY ME!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

I beat: Brandon

My record: 2-0

Number of injuries on my roster: 2

My saving grace: Adrian Peterson’s knee injury

So, how did it go?

It went fine. I’m too tired to kiss my own ass. Whatever. Victory. Whoo hoo.

HEY BRANDON!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You lost to: The sexiest person who ever wrote this particular blog post

Your record: 0-2

Number of injuries on your roster: 1 (but it’s a doozie. RIP Adrian Peterson. Time to make a switch… in careers)

Number of reasons you should have lost this matchup: 0

So, how did it go?

There is no reason you should have lost to me - except, of course, the fact that you put your trust in a child beating shitbag. I loved every minute of the AP injury. I loved watching him ruin your fantasy chances, I loved watching the look of dread and defeat in his eyes as he realized his season (and thankfully career) is now over and done, and I really loved watching him get carried through a restaurant in the middle of the game because the only route back to the locker room from the playing field is through a bar and grill.

You shouldn't have lost this one.  Dez, Demaryius, Demarco, and Derek killed it for you. I almost got outscored by only the players on your team whose first names start with D.

I got nothing, man else, man. Sorry. 

THE MEGAMAN TATTOO CONTINUES TO RUN SHIT.

Sorry this one took so long, kids. Maybe I get the next one up sooner.  Or, to quote the great Sargeant Dingham- "Maybe.  Maybe not.  Maybe fuck yourself."

Week 1: The Winners and Losers

Week 1: I just got a Tattoo! Stop what you’re fucking doing and go like it on Facebook because I’m a narcissist and it’s glorious.

Also, I wrote this in a day. It’s like 3100 words. If there are typos, I don’t want to fucking hear about them, or I will destroy your entire team using my evil commissioner powers.

Let’s see what happened!

Shelby Allen- WINNER, WINNER, FUCK DONALD TRUMP

You beat- JD

You played:
QB-Brock Osweiler
RB1- CJ Anderson
RB2- Theo Riddick
WR1- Julio Jones

WR2- Alshon Jeffery

TE- Jared Cook

FLEX- Emmanuel Sanders

D- Rams

K- Sebastian Janikosky (Get a different kicker because I don’t feel like typing that shit every week, fucker.)

So, how did it go?

It went fucking lucky. You got beasts of a game from CJ Anderson against the Panthers, AKA the strongest front 7 in football, and… THEO FUCKING RIDDICK? Actually, the entire Detroit organization got lucky. It’s a good think I didn’t gamble on anything this week, because I would have bet my first born child that the Lions would have done nothing but get buttfucked by the Colts.

Hopefully this doesn’t mean that you’re going to finish with the same record as the Lions.

(This probably means you’re going to have the same record as the Lions. Have fun with that.)

The rest of your team played like shit. Look, I get what you were trying for. Jared Cook was alright in St. Louis (I think it says something that the Rams- the Rams- didn’t think it was worth bringing him to LA) but that when there was literally nobody else to throw to. I think Aaron Rodgers threw him a pass just because he felt bad. “Who’s the most special tight end on the second string? YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE!!!”

Jesus, the Rams defense. They got abused by San Francisco. The most interesting part of that game was an idiot running out on the field and almost making it to the endzone before getting tackled. This implies that the people in charge of tackling drunken morons played better than the defense you drafted. Find a better defense- maybe New Mexico State’s D is available?

Good win! Trump would be proud!

JD Dunn- TELL EM GENE!

You lost to- Shelby Allen

You played:
QB- Ben Rapelisberger
RB1- Devonta Freeman
RB2- Doug Martin
WR1- Amari Cooper

WR2- Michael Floyd

TE- Gary Barnidge

FLEX- Jordan Matthews

D- Seahawks

K- Justin Tucker

So, how did it go?

This must be frustrating as shit. Nobody on your team did terrible, except for Gary Barnidge, who only stopped being good when RG3, against all expectations, had a season threatening injury to something other than his knee.

Oh, wait. I was wrong. There was one person, a false prophet, a time-bomb in the form of a supposed top 10 RB. Devonta fucking Freeman. The official line on Freeman is that the reason he took a colossal shit on fantasy teams around the world is that he had a mild quadriceps injury. Probably because he was facing the terrible force that is the defense of the… [sigh] Tampa Bay Buccaneers. So if I’m you, I’m sincerely hoping that there is a semi-serious injury to my first pick. Otherwise, you’ve basically drafted Bernie Madoff in runningback form.

Seriously- you could have had this one. Had CJ Anderson not looked like a professional football player for the first time in his career or had Theo Riddick accomplished exactly dick like every single reasonable prediction said he would, you’d have won your first fantasy game, instead of wallowing in the sorrow that comes with having to start Michael Floyd.

Dump your TE, repent your sins, and hope that I’m wrong about Devonta Freeman, because otherwise this is going to be a long, sad year for you.

JUSTIN- ALL OUR BASE ARE BELONG TO YOU!

You beat- Brandon

You played:
QB- Kirk Cousins
RB1- Todd Gurley
RB2- DeAngelo Williams
WR1- Julian Edelman

WR2- Eric Decker

TE- Charles Clay

FLEX- Mark Ingram

D- Eagles

K- Graham Gano

So, how did it go?

DeAngelo Williams went HAM because LeVeon Bell isn’t back yet. Now, don’t get me wrong- if I’m you, I’m celebrating like Keith Moon in a cheap hotel because a 31 point performance carrying your team to victory is the best feeling in the world. I can only imagine how Brandon felt, being up by 25 ish points, only to watch DeAngelo Williams destroy his life on Monday night. You spat in justice’s face. I bet this is how Casey Anthony feels.

The rest of your team was a goddamn disaster. You got 4.5 out of Todd Gurley, who was the first pick of every draft ever and the alleged second coming of Christ until the world collectively realized that he still played for the fucking Rams. You got 11 out of Kirk Cousins, which is like 7 more than it looked like he should have given you that game.

You got more out of your the Eagles defense than you did from the rest anyone who isn’t named DeAngelo Williams. The Eagles defense played against the Cleveland Browns. At home. Without their starting QB. They scored 12 points.

These are all facts.

The rest of your team is a big ball of “meh.” Please tell us now who you want to bench to get Kelvin Benjamin in your WR spot- I need to know whether Eric Decker or Julian Edelman is on your bench so I can start them for 35 points in my other fantasy leagues.

Good Win! This will be the longest winning streak you have!

BRANDON- TELL EM GENE!

You lost to- Justin

You played:
QB- Derek Carr
RB1- Adrian Peterson
RB2- DeMarco Murray
WR1- Dez Bryant

WR2- Demaryius Thomas

TE- Julius Thomas

FLEX- Doug Baldwin

D- Cardinals

K- Chandler Catanzaro

So, how did it go?

Wow. Just… wow. You got 9.5 points out of Adrian Peterson, Dez Bryant, and Demaryius Thomas… Combined. But despite all of that, you finished Sunday with a solid lead because Justin started the JV team this week.

...Only to watch it all fall the fuck apart the next night when DeAngelo Williams decided to cock-slap you. Did you piss off God this week?

Seriously, check out who scored points for this team. Derek Carr, much to the chagrin of people who hate the Raiders (as in literally everyone who isn’t a Raiders fan) decided to be a football player and give you like a quarter of your points. The Minnesota Defense scored 300 points against the Titans, but DeMarco Murray gave you 19.5 points.

Doug Baldwin, whose biggest accomplishment is being named after a Nickelodean cartoon from the 90’s, gave you nearly 20.

Julius Thomas, who hasn’t been a receiver since Peyton Manning was a QB (I.E. 2014) gave you 19.5.

Three people who you probably didn’t draft until round 28 gave you a 2/3 of your points.

God watching the Patriots win is the worst. It physically hurts me to see New England happy. In a just world, ESPN Fantasy would have awarded the Cardinals 23 points after Tyron Mathieu killed Bill Belichick during pre-game.

This is where fantasy football is awful- had you started Sterling Shepard (who?) over Dez and started LeGarrette Blount over AP you would have won the shit out of this, but you shouldn’t have done that for two reasons. The first is that it 99 out of 100 times it will lead you to ruin. The second is that it means you would rely on the success of the Patriots for fantasy points and FUCK THAT.

ALEX- VICTORY! ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? IS THIS NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE?

You Beat- Shelby Rabb

You played:
QB- Aaron Rodgers
RB1- Eddie Lacy
RB2- Jonathan Stewart
WR1- Sammy Watkins

WR2- Jeremy Maclin

TE- Travis Kelce

FLEX- Ryan Mathews

D- Panthers

K- Steven Hauschka

So, how did it go?

Ok, just off the bat, I’m not sure what pisses me off more: the fact that you played the starting TE and the first string WR for Kansas City, whose quarterback actually holds the Guiness world record for Most Mediocre… Or that you actually won because of it. Fuck Kansas City. I hope Andy Reed stops being the coach and returns to the ocean to live with the rest of the whales.

Then there was Aaron Rodgers, who did some Aaron Rodgers shit and somehow scored multiple touchdowns, despite the fact that his offensive line stopped caring around 5 minutes into the game. Also, Ryan Mathews. Who played against Cleveland. At home. Without their starting QB.

And then there was… nothing. The rest of your team took a massive shit. Eddie Lacy gave you less than your defense and slightly more than your kicker. Sammy Watkins tried to be a wide receiver, probably until his coaches explained to him that his job was actually to get injured in the first game of the season. Say what you want about that man, he knows how to hurt his foot.

Yeah, I have nothing else to say about this team. Jonathan Stewart did meh. Steven Hauschka, although he is 2^nd favorite gay NFL player (right behind JJ Watt) is barely worth mentioning. Panthers gave you 8 and then lost their game on a missed field goal because fuck them.

Good Win! Have fun when you start Mike Wallace over Sammy Watkins and get 3 points!

SHELBY RABB- TELL EM GENE!

You lost to- Alex

You played:
QB- Carson Palmer
RB1- Lamar Miller
RB2- Frank Gore
WR1- Allen Robinson

WR2- T.Y. Hilton

TE- Greg Olsen

FLEX- John Brown

D- Chiefs

K- Adam Vinatieri

So, how did it go?

It went exactly as well as it could have. You started the best possible players, and they didn’t do anything. Carson Palmer gave you a decent effort. Lamar Miller did as well as anyone with half a brain could expect him to. The rest of it was an oscillation between 10 ish points and absolutely nothing. The Chiefs gave you a goose egg, because they suck just bad enough to let the Chargers almost beat them, but aren’t good enough to play any defense while that happens.

John Brown caught one pass for less than 10 yards, apparently due to concussion protocol. It’s always a good sign when your flex player has been hit in the head too many times to figure out how to run more than 8 yards past the line of scrimmage.

You got 10 each from Allen Robinson and TY Hilton because out of nowhere, their TE’s (Julius Thomas and Dwayne Allen) finally got un-stuck from their respective Chinese finger traps and decided to go be football players. Really, there wasn’t a goddamn thing you could have done.

I’m sorry dude, but I have nothing else to say about it. Your week sucked. Move on.

LARA- ALL YOU’VE DONE THIS SEASON IS WIN.

You Beat (The Everloving Shit Out Of)- Bailee

You played:
QB- Cam Newton
RB1- Matt Forte
RB2-Giovani Bernard
WR1- AJ Green

WR2- Keenan Allen

TE- Jason Witten

FLEX- Randall Cobb

D- Vikings

K- Blair Walsh

So, how did it go?

Holy fuck. Awesome, actually. First of all, it didn’t hurt that you got 21 out of Minnesota’s defense. Blair Walsh tacked on 14. I guess I shouldn’t really be surprised- if anyone is going to score points in Minnesota (and believe me, sometimes they won’t) it’s going to be either Blair Walsh or their defense. Ask Brandon how AP did- it’s hard to score a touchdown when your starting QB blows out a knee and your current QB is three snaps away from blowing out a knee.

AJ Green put up 30 points after shitting in the graves of Darrell Revis’s ancestors, and Cam Newton did just fine until the Broncos stopped playing football and started playing “Scramble Cam Newton’s Brain.”

And THEN, despite anything resembling logical sense, Jason Witten not only played a game, but caught 9 goddamn passes. That’s five players and you’ve already toasted Bailee.

On the other hand, Giovani Bernard only exists to catch two yard passes and get under-utilized in the run game, and since Sunday there’s been a snapped piece of silly putty where Keenan Allen’s ACL used to be. However, based on this performance, you could murder one of your fantasy players every week and still win the goddamn league.

Good Win! Try to injure Philip Rivers next time!

BAILEE- TELL EM GENE!

You lost (horrendously) to- Lara

You played:
QB- Drew Brees
RB1- Ezekiel Elliot
RB2- LeSean McCoy
WR1- Donte Moncrief

WR2- Golden Tate

TE- Delanie Walker

FLEX- Tyler Locket

D- Packers

K- Matt Bryant

So, how did it go?

Look, I want to try and rip this team a new asshole, but man, this is just sad. Tyler Lockett and Doug Baldwin are basically the exact same person, and for whatever reason, Doug Baldwin just got thrown to more. I guess he dropped a few passes, but if I’m you, I’m happy about that, because at least you have some sort of an excuse.

But then again, it’s not like it really would have mattered. Exact same story with your TE, WR2, and Ezekiel Elliot.

Seriously, I hate this. I would love to tell you that had you started somebody different you could have come back, or talk shit about the players you do have, but I can’t. Even your top scorer (by 15 points) Drew Brees threw for a bazillion yards and forty seven touchdowns and still lost to THE MOTHERFUCKING RAIDERS. GOD DAMMIT.

At this point, the only thing I can say is “better luck next year.”

NATE- YOU DID TO YOUR OPPONENT WHAT YOKO DID TO THE BEATLES.

You beat (the hell from)- Scarlett

You played:
QB- Russell Wilson
RB1- Jeremy Langford
RB2- Rashad Jennings
WR1- Antonio Brown

WR2- Jordy Nelson

TE- Jordan Reed

FLEX- Willie Snead

D- Texans

K- Dan Bailey

So, how did it go?

Well, let’s take a look. You got 28 out of Antonio Brown- good choice. You took him first overall and he’s actually producing. It’s good to see that somebody around here knows what they’re doing. That’s probably why you got almost as many points from… Willie Snead. Wow. Nevermind what I said about you knowing your shit. The guy you probably forgot to take out of your flex position randomly scored 28 points for no reason whatsoever. Who else scored? Oh, right. Your fucking kicker. I can see why you were so goddamn excited about Dan Bailey. He’s going to get 4 FG’s a week because there’s no way in hell that Dallas ever gets into the fucking end zone.

Everyone on your team scored double digits except for Jordan Reed, who only had 9.5. Christ, you somehow even got 10 points from the Texans defense, which is basically JJ Watt and some awkwardly placed mannequins.

You had Darren Sproles, Steve Smith Sr., Pierre Garcon and Duke Johnson Jr. on your bench, and you decided to start Willie Snead. PLEASE DO THIS EVERY WEEK.

Whatever, you won by a lot so your write-up is shorter than the rest. Sue me.

Good Win! WILLIE SNEAD IS TOTALLY GOING TO SCORE 300 POINTS THIS YEAR. TOTALLY.

SCARLETT- TELL EM GENE!

You lost (obscenely) to- Nate

You played:
QB-Eli Manning
RB1- Spencer Ware
RB2- Justin Forsett
WR1- Odell Beckham Jr.

WR2- Brandon Marshall

TE- Coby Fleener

FLEX- Stefon Diggs

D- Patriots

K- Mason Crosby

So, how did it go?

Not great. Any time Spencer ware is the highest scoring player on your team, it should raise an eyebrow. Anytime Stefon Diggs is the second (with less than half of Spencer Ware’s points) it should raise the other eyebrow. Then, if OBJ goes for 9 and Brandon Marshall goes for 4.5, you should raise just everything.

Your team gave me a facelift, is what I guess I’m trying to say.

Really, it’s not like there was a whole lot you could do- you could have put Isaiah Crowell in for Justin Forsett and Tajae Sharpe in for Brandon Marshall (neither of which you should do, ever) and you still wouldn’t have been in the same universe as the guy who accidentally started Willie Snead over literally anybody else.

3 points from the Patriots defense. They screw one of my dear friends and they still win their game against Arizona. God dammit.

Coby Fleener isn’t looking great. At least you have him in a half PPR league- I had to start him in another league because Gronk can’t figure out whether his hamstring hurts or not. Flash forward to watching Coby Wan Kenobi play the whole game without catching anything but a craptastic five yarder, and watching Willie Snead randomly go apeshit.

Fucking Patriots.

SAM- VICTORY IS MINE! RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!

I beat- Nick

I played:
QB- Blake Bortles
RB1- David Johnson
RB2- Carlos Hyde
WR1- Brandin Cooks

WR2- Mike Evans

TE- Dwayne Allen

FLEX- Allen Hurns

D- BRONCOS BABY

K- Brandon McManus

So, how did it go?

Pretty goddamn swell, if I do say so myself. Brandin Cooks, the only receiver on the saints who should have 30 points (LOOKING AT YOU, SNEAD) got, well, 30 points.

Shit, everyone brought the ruckus except for the Broncos D, the Broncos Kicker, and I guess Allen Hurns?

Anyway, take a look for yourselves. This fucking write-up is already 3000 words long, I’m not trying to stay awake until 4 am.

NICK- TELL EM GENE!


You lost to- a Sasquatch with a brand spanking new video game tattoo.

You played:
QB- Andrew Luck

RB1-Christine Michael

RB2-Latavius Murray

WR1-DeAndre Hopkins

WR2- Jarvis Landry

TE- Antonio Gates
D- Steelers

K- Stephen Gostkowski (was taken in the 12^th round.)

Man, I was glad that I was the first one to play you. It isn’t until you’ve lost to me that you’ve hopefully learned that Christine Michael is a chump, that Antonio Gates is 300 years old, that Danny Woodhead, though he may look like a pedophile, is actually kind of a big deal in San Diego, and that Ameer Abdullah is basically all that Detroit has.

Gronk was hurt, but I don’t know how well that would have even helped you. You lost by 27.5 and the only way Gronk could get those kind of numbers is if he was playing with Tom Brady against a defense that wasn’t the Cardinals. Neither of those things occurred.

Andrew Luck went nuts- 20 points more than my QB, or any QB not named Rodgers. I hate that we have to play that fucking guy on Sunday, but the fact that he lost to the Detroit Lions makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

The Steelers defense hasn’t done anything interesting since a year before Troy Polamalu left town. Three years if you don’t count the time he did a commercial for dandruff shampoo.

I’m honestly surprised Latavius Murray didn’t score more for you. The guy made the Saints linebackers look like bowling pins. The way he runs, he’s due for a concussion this year (go Broncos) but until then he’s going to score all of the points for you.

Also, you drafted a kicker in the 12^th round.


Have a great weekend kids. See ya’ll next week.