Week 2: "30 minutes before week 3 starts" edition

I’m not a fan of superstition, mostly because I’ve been trying to kill Philip Rivers with a comprehensive combination of voodoo hexes, animal sacrifices, and repeatedly calling Dick Cheney’s cell phone for pointers- nothing doing. I’d almost given up.

But then last fucking week happened, and literally everyone got injured, meaning I need to probably need to stay a little more sober whenever I pray for the destruction of the Oakland Raiders to every malevolent god I can think of. Otherwise, I apparently point their wrath in every other possible direction, because now every team is a train wreck.

So for everyone’s reference, I’m listing how many people are injured on your teams, because shit got ridiculous last week.

At this point, I should add that I finished writing this at 4 AM because you people should know just how terrible things are going for everyone who isn’t me before week 3 (more or less) officially starts, and because I decided to leave the bar early enough to pull this bullshit off. I will hopefully edit this before I post it because I don’t quite fit the classic definition of sober right now. I promise nothing. So as usual, sit down, shut the fuck up, and read this, because this will probably take me all goddamn night. (THIS ENDED UP TAKING ME UNTIL 30 MINUTES BEFORE SUNDAY FOOTBALL STARTS.  I HOPE YOU'RE ALL HAPPY.)

LET’S GET THIS HORSESHIT OVER WITH.

HEY NICK!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You beat: JD

Your record: 1-1

Number of injured players on your roster: 6(!)

The terrible twist of fate that has come to ruin you: Your RB injuries

So, how did it go?

Nick, you know that you’re my friend, so... here’s the thing. You get a pass this week. Your team got fucked by injuries. I went into this thinking I was going to talk an entire bushel of shit, but I can’t. Your team got fucked by things completely out of your control, and I can’t fault you for it. I’m not that heartless of a person.

The rest of the league needs to know what you’re going through. You just lost two good RB’s. Your team’s highest scoring player this week (WR Corey Coleman, a solid pickup thus far) broke his hand in practice. Gronk is doubtful for week three.

Andrew Luck, your starting QB, re-injured his shoulder and is now questionable.

None of this is your fault. It’s terrible.

But you still won! Probably a small consolation. But don’t lose heart! Granted, it doesn’t look good now, but it’s still so early in the season, and any person who thinks they know what will happen this season is out of their minds. You could still upset all of us.

But good luck, because this week took more than 1/3rd of your fantasy team out of commission.

Also, you drafted a fucking kicker in the 12^th round. Did you know that? Well, don’t worry, you can check for yourself. Thanks to Alex’s badass phone camera, you can now view the entire draft board on my facebook post. That means there’s photographic evidence on Facebook. It’s out in the interwebs, where it will exist forever- permanent proof that you took a fucking kicker in the 12^th round.

He gave you six points this week. Mazel Tov.

HEY JD! GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You lost to: Nick

Your record: 0-2

Number of injured players on your roster: 1

Your still over-rated shitball RB: Devonta Freeman

So, how did it go?

Well, the long answer is that your team underperformed this week. Devonta Freeman was going against Oaklands front 7 (which includes Khalil Mack, a tank with legs) and still gave you 9. Had you started Rapelisberger, you would have won by 1.5 points, but you made a good decision. Ben was playing a divisional rival, and Matt Stafford was playing against the Titans secondary (who don’t actually exist) after throwing for 340 and two touchdowns against Indianapolis. It didn’t work out. Doug Martin got hurt.

Jordan Matthews dropped a pass that would have scored you 10 points. Your kicker scored 15 points, beating anybody on your team not named Fat Stafford.

Things did not go well for you, and that objectively sucks. But it happens. Shitty start but it’s early and you still have moves you can make.

That’s the long answer.

The short answer is this: Go read all of things about Nick’s team- 6 injured players (his two starting RB’s are on IR.) His team is fucked.

And you lost to him. I’m genuinely impressed.

HEY JUSTIN!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You beat: Shelby Allen

Your record: 2-0-0

Number of injured players on your roster: 2 questionable and 1 suspended

Your WTF play of the week: Jack Doyle? TE? For… Indianapolis?

So, how did it go?

Jesus Christ. You scored 127 points this week. Only 2 of your players were in single digits. YOU SAT GURLEY. That’s officially awesome, because he’s kind of a bust, and only the savviest fantasy players have the courage to admit that.

Even out of your injuries- Decker is expected to play on Sunday despite his shoulder injury. Eifart might be coming back (in an alternate universe, and possibly even this one.) Your fantasy team looks awesome right now. Even your backup kicker scored more than… wait a second... (squints, double checks)

Wow. I’ve been giving Nick shit all month for drafting a kicker in the 12^th round, but at least he only took one of them. I don’t know what’s more sad- the fact that you have a backup kicker, or that he scored 8 more points that the kicker you actually played.

I’m trying to figure out how to make fun of you, but you scored 127 points. Seriously, you started the backup TE from the Colts, and he even gave you more than most TE’s did this week.

Congrats. You won. Good job. Fuck off.

HEY SHELBY ALLEN!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You lost to: Justin

Your record: 1-1

Number of injured players on your roster: 4

Your terrible player who still somehow underperformed: Sebastian Janikowski

So, how did it go?

God damn it, Arian Foster. Here’s the thing: We all want this dude to be good again. He was a badass in Houston, then got injured, then looked like he was on the verge of another unreal badass season, then got hurt again, then he started fresh for Miami.

And then he died on Sunday. Let’s rip this bandaid off- Arian Foster is done. Dump him and pick up somebody healthier, like Chris Bosh, or Magic Johnson.

But, there is at least some semblance of hope, and ironically enough, it’s due to injuries. Ameer Abdullah is hurt, meaning that Theo “Who the fuck is Theo Riddick?” Riddick is on deck to be the primary running back for the Detroit Lions. That, uh, that might not actually be a selling point. It’s a lot like saying that something is the cleanest hair in a pile of pubes.

Alshon is hurt, and now has Bryan Fucking Hoyer under and over-throwing him. Tom Brady is still suspended.

The worst part is that you would have got 26 points from somebody on your bench, and it wouldn’t have changed a goddamn thing.

Arian fucking Foster.

HEY BAILEE!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT (SORT OF)!

You beat: Alex

Your record: 1-1

Number of injured players on your roster: 4

The draft pick I’m going to continue to give you shit for: Donte “I sucked before I even got hurt” Moncrief

So, how did it go?

I mean... you won? Golden Tate shat the bed and one of your WR’s got hurt, but despite all reason, everyone else barely scraped by to get you the W. Stand tall!

It’s great to see Ezekiel Elliot scoring touchdowns. If there’s one thing I think we can all agree on, it’s that it’s good that the guy who just got cleared of his domestic assault charges is doing well in the NFL. Nice snag, Bailee!

I was totally wrong about Donte Moncrief, by the way. In the first write up, I predicted that Donte Moncrief was a terrible pick because he sucked- turns out that he was a terrible pick because he now has a fractured scapula. (For those of you wondering, the scapula is the shoulder blade. According to the Colt’s head coach, he can treat this with rest. This means Donte Moncrief can’t even get injured like a #1 WR.)

I have no fucking idea why people went overboard with drafting the Seahawks. Tyler Lockett played for a team that scored 3 points on Sunday, and that was one of his better games. Good luck with that shit.

Delanie Walker has a hamstring injury, and is questionable for Sunday (and also forever.)

Your opponent scored a whopping 73 points, and yet somehow you won! Fine work.

HEY ALEX!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT (DEFINITELY)!

You lost to: Bailee

Your record: 1-1

Number of injured players on your roster: 2

The worst player on your team this week: Yes

So, how did it go?

You scored 73 points. Lowest of anybody this week. You never had a chance.

Oh, wait. Had you started Martellus Bennett or Mike Wallace, you would have won. You would have somehow overcame the odds and defeated somebody who scored a whopping 85.5 points. But you lost. You know what? I was going to wait until later to bust that out, but you earned it.

Probably doesn’t help that Jonathan Stewart got injured. Also, probably doesn’t help that Sammy Watkins didn’t even wait until week 4 to get injured.

Question: Why the fuck do you have Tyler Ervin on your team? Do you think he’s related to Michael Ervin? My best guess is that you wanted somebody on your team who you know is going to hit rock bottom every week, so that when it’s all over you get to say “well, if nothing else, I made the correct decision to sit Tyler Ervin.” There’s no sane explanation. He started for the Texans, and scored as many points as Josh Gordon did for the Browns. For those not playing along at home, Josh Gordon is suspended.

And for fuck’s sake, I told you about Torrey Smith. After I’ve spent so much time coughing up thousands of words to write so many of these bullshit fantasy updates, you’d think somebody would listen to me. But fuck that- let’s just keep Torrey Smith. Sam won’t make fun of me for it or anything.

HEY SHELBY RABB!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You beat: Scarlett

Your record: 1-1

Number of injuries on your roster: 2

The only thing that keeps this team from being hot garbage: Greg Olsen

Well, shit. You were trying to sell your team via facebook last week, and now look at you. The only thing that sucked about your team was your WR group, and even they are starting to figure things out. With the exception of John Brown (who is now apparently perpetually concussed) they’re all on track for monster games. Allen Robinson will go hard as fuck- he’s due. TY Hilton is taking a break from practice this week to rest his knee, which means he’ll be good to catch all of the passes that would have gone to Donte Moncrief. Tyrell Williams is now one of the primary pass catchers now that Keenan Allen is broken. You even have DeVante Parker, who vacillates between being hurt and going ape-shit.

I mean, what am I supposed to talk shit about? Greg Olsen being the best TE in the fucking league? Carson Palmer thwomping the entire state of Florida? Frank Gore somehow not being terrible?

Welcome to fantasy football. Sometimes you suck, and then sometimes you suck but you still win.

HEY SCARLETT!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You lost to: Rabb

Your record: 0-2

Number of injured players on your roster: 4

Your shit-awful team name: Team Oehlke

I’ll take some of the blame for this one. I told you that Justin Forsett was going to be one of your best RB’s, and you started him over Isaiah Crowell. Granted, Crowell put up 14 last week before putting up 20.5 this week, and Justin Forsett put up jack shit last week and then jack shit minus 1.5 points this week, but dammit, I’m willing to accept my share of the blame.

But know this- this is what you get when you take advice from the guy who has nothing better to do with his Saturday night than use a stupid blog to talk shit about all of his friends, to all of his friends. You brought this on yourself.

The Patriots D was a disaster, even though they were playing the Dolphins, the team that is the spirit animal of disasters.

I’m done trying to pretend that Coby Fleener has a chance at being good. Fuck that guy. He only existed to fuck with the people who owned him while he played for the Colts, and now people think he’s going to be hot shit because a TE named Jimmy Graham (and not named Coby Fleener) used to be amazing in New Orleans 4 years ago.

But fucking hell- did you see Stefon Diggs? He almost gave you 30 points. Had he scored just one more touchdown, and Mason Crosby given you just 1 more field goal and 1 more extra point… you still would have lost. NEXT.

HEY LARAX!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You beat: Nate and/or Nathan

Your record: 2-0

Number of injured players on your roster: ZERO?

Your “this move was as bad as starting the Jets defense move” of the week: Starting the Jets defense

So, how did it go?

Well, fuck me. Had you benched AJ Green and TJ Yeldon and started Giovani Bernard and Tevin Coleman, you would have beaten Nate(than) by 37 points, instead of just a measly 15.5. Sucks to be you, I guess. Had you done all of that and also not started the fucking Jets defense you would have scored enough to break fantasy football on a multi-dimensional scale. So thanks for beating Nate in a resounding way while maintaining the fabric of reality. The stupid part of me that makes me stay up late at night to write this bullshit SINCERELY THANKS YOU, FUCKHEAD.

Jason Witten is your only TE, but he outscored AJ Green and tied Randall Cobb. How the fuck did that even happen? Jason Witten is basically Billy Bob from Varsity Blues, only slower. How does JJ Watt’s broken prototype make AJ Green look like a chump?

HOW DO YOU HAVE ZERO INJURIES? Were you seriously bitching about losing Keenan Allen while having nothing else on your roster to worry about? Phillip Rivers complains less whenever CPS takes his kids away every other month.

You’ve won two games in a row, despite starting the abject failure that is the New York Jets and the hilariously well documented choke artist that is Blair Walsh. Go buy some lottery tickets. I have nothing else for you. Good win.

You started the Jets defense and won.

Yes, those Jets.

HEY NATHAN AND/OR NATE!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You lost to: Somebody who started the Jets defense.

Your record: 1-1

Number of injuries on your roster: 2

Number of people who beat you this week after starting the Jets defense: 1

So, how did it go?

Take a long, hard look at the score. Drink it all in. Look at how Jordy somehow got you 15.5, then how the Texans gave you 15, then how Willie Snead somehow continues to not suck.

Then look at everyone else on your team. Look at how Rashad Jennings gave you jack shit and then got hurt. Look how Russell Wilson continues to be a schmuck. Look at how Jeremy Langford would probably still suck if he wasn’t playing for the fucking Bears.

You know what, nevermind. All you need to know is this- Your starters scored 89. Lara’s bench scored 91. There is nothing I can say that quite sums up how your week went like that statistic.

Just think- had both of you started the best players, Lara would have ran you harder than she did this week, somehow.

This isn’t your week, man.

HEY ME!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

I beat: Brandon

My record: 2-0

Number of injuries on my roster: 2

My saving grace: Adrian Peterson’s knee injury

So, how did it go?

It went fine. I’m too tired to kiss my own ass. Whatever. Victory. Whoo hoo.

HEY BRANDON!  GO AHEAD, WATCH THIS IN ITS ENTIRETY- YOU EARNED IT!

You lost to: The sexiest person who ever wrote this particular blog post

Your record: 0-2

Number of injuries on your roster: 1 (but it’s a doozie. RIP Adrian Peterson. Time to make a switch… in careers)

Number of reasons you should have lost this matchup: 0

So, how did it go?

There is no reason you should have lost to me - except, of course, the fact that you put your trust in a child beating shitbag. I loved every minute of the AP injury. I loved watching him ruin your fantasy chances, I loved watching the look of dread and defeat in his eyes as he realized his season (and thankfully career) is now over and done, and I really loved watching him get carried through a restaurant in the middle of the game because the only route back to the locker room from the playing field is through a bar and grill.

You shouldn't have lost this one.  Dez, Demaryius, Demarco, and Derek killed it for you. I almost got outscored by only the players on your team whose first names start with D.

I got nothing, man else, man. Sorry. 

THE MEGAMAN TATTOO CONTINUES TO RUN SHIT.

Sorry this one took so long, kids. Maybe I get the next one up sooner.  Or, to quote the great Sargeant Dingham- "Maybe.  Maybe not.  Maybe fuck yourself."

Week 1: The Winners and Losers

Week 1: I just got a Tattoo! Stop what you’re fucking doing and go like it on Facebook because I’m a narcissist and it’s glorious.

Also, I wrote this in a day. It’s like 3100 words. If there are typos, I don’t want to fucking hear about them, or I will destroy your entire team using my evil commissioner powers.

Let’s see what happened!

Shelby Allen- WINNER, WINNER, FUCK DONALD TRUMP

You beat- JD

You played:
QB-Brock Osweiler
RB1- CJ Anderson
RB2- Theo Riddick
WR1- Julio Jones

WR2- Alshon Jeffery

TE- Jared Cook

FLEX- Emmanuel Sanders

D- Rams

K- Sebastian Janikosky (Get a different kicker because I don’t feel like typing that shit every week, fucker.)

So, how did it go?

It went fucking lucky. You got beasts of a game from CJ Anderson against the Panthers, AKA the strongest front 7 in football, and… THEO FUCKING RIDDICK? Actually, the entire Detroit organization got lucky. It’s a good think I didn’t gamble on anything this week, because I would have bet my first born child that the Lions would have done nothing but get buttfucked by the Colts.

Hopefully this doesn’t mean that you’re going to finish with the same record as the Lions.

(This probably means you’re going to have the same record as the Lions. Have fun with that.)

The rest of your team played like shit. Look, I get what you were trying for. Jared Cook was alright in St. Louis (I think it says something that the Rams- the Rams- didn’t think it was worth bringing him to LA) but that when there was literally nobody else to throw to. I think Aaron Rodgers threw him a pass just because he felt bad. “Who’s the most special tight end on the second string? YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE!!!”

Jesus, the Rams defense. They got abused by San Francisco. The most interesting part of that game was an idiot running out on the field and almost making it to the endzone before getting tackled. This implies that the people in charge of tackling drunken morons played better than the defense you drafted. Find a better defense- maybe New Mexico State’s D is available?

Good win! Trump would be proud!

JD Dunn- TELL EM GENE!

You lost to- Shelby Allen

You played:
QB- Ben Rapelisberger
RB1- Devonta Freeman
RB2- Doug Martin
WR1- Amari Cooper

WR2- Michael Floyd

TE- Gary Barnidge

FLEX- Jordan Matthews

D- Seahawks

K- Justin Tucker

So, how did it go?

This must be frustrating as shit. Nobody on your team did terrible, except for Gary Barnidge, who only stopped being good when RG3, against all expectations, had a season threatening injury to something other than his knee.

Oh, wait. I was wrong. There was one person, a false prophet, a time-bomb in the form of a supposed top 10 RB. Devonta fucking Freeman. The official line on Freeman is that the reason he took a colossal shit on fantasy teams around the world is that he had a mild quadriceps injury. Probably because he was facing the terrible force that is the defense of the… [sigh] Tampa Bay Buccaneers. So if I’m you, I’m sincerely hoping that there is a semi-serious injury to my first pick. Otherwise, you’ve basically drafted Bernie Madoff in runningback form.

Seriously- you could have had this one. Had CJ Anderson not looked like a professional football player for the first time in his career or had Theo Riddick accomplished exactly dick like every single reasonable prediction said he would, you’d have won your first fantasy game, instead of wallowing in the sorrow that comes with having to start Michael Floyd.

Dump your TE, repent your sins, and hope that I’m wrong about Devonta Freeman, because otherwise this is going to be a long, sad year for you.

JUSTIN- ALL OUR BASE ARE BELONG TO YOU!

You beat- Brandon

You played:
QB- Kirk Cousins
RB1- Todd Gurley
RB2- DeAngelo Williams
WR1- Julian Edelman

WR2- Eric Decker

TE- Charles Clay

FLEX- Mark Ingram

D- Eagles

K- Graham Gano

So, how did it go?

DeAngelo Williams went HAM because LeVeon Bell isn’t back yet. Now, don’t get me wrong- if I’m you, I’m celebrating like Keith Moon in a cheap hotel because a 31 point performance carrying your team to victory is the best feeling in the world. I can only imagine how Brandon felt, being up by 25 ish points, only to watch DeAngelo Williams destroy his life on Monday night. You spat in justice’s face. I bet this is how Casey Anthony feels.

The rest of your team was a goddamn disaster. You got 4.5 out of Todd Gurley, who was the first pick of every draft ever and the alleged second coming of Christ until the world collectively realized that he still played for the fucking Rams. You got 11 out of Kirk Cousins, which is like 7 more than it looked like he should have given you that game.

You got more out of your the Eagles defense than you did from the rest anyone who isn’t named DeAngelo Williams. The Eagles defense played against the Cleveland Browns. At home. Without their starting QB. They scored 12 points.

These are all facts.

The rest of your team is a big ball of “meh.” Please tell us now who you want to bench to get Kelvin Benjamin in your WR spot- I need to know whether Eric Decker or Julian Edelman is on your bench so I can start them for 35 points in my other fantasy leagues.

Good Win! This will be the longest winning streak you have!

BRANDON- TELL EM GENE!

You lost to- Justin

You played:
QB- Derek Carr
RB1- Adrian Peterson
RB2- DeMarco Murray
WR1- Dez Bryant

WR2- Demaryius Thomas

TE- Julius Thomas

FLEX- Doug Baldwin

D- Cardinals

K- Chandler Catanzaro

So, how did it go?

Wow. Just… wow. You got 9.5 points out of Adrian Peterson, Dez Bryant, and Demaryius Thomas… Combined. But despite all of that, you finished Sunday with a solid lead because Justin started the JV team this week.

...Only to watch it all fall the fuck apart the next night when DeAngelo Williams decided to cock-slap you. Did you piss off God this week?

Seriously, check out who scored points for this team. Derek Carr, much to the chagrin of people who hate the Raiders (as in literally everyone who isn’t a Raiders fan) decided to be a football player and give you like a quarter of your points. The Minnesota Defense scored 300 points against the Titans, but DeMarco Murray gave you 19.5 points.

Doug Baldwin, whose biggest accomplishment is being named after a Nickelodean cartoon from the 90’s, gave you nearly 20.

Julius Thomas, who hasn’t been a receiver since Peyton Manning was a QB (I.E. 2014) gave you 19.5.

Three people who you probably didn’t draft until round 28 gave you a 2/3 of your points.

God watching the Patriots win is the worst. It physically hurts me to see New England happy. In a just world, ESPN Fantasy would have awarded the Cardinals 23 points after Tyron Mathieu killed Bill Belichick during pre-game.

This is where fantasy football is awful- had you started Sterling Shepard (who?) over Dez and started LeGarrette Blount over AP you would have won the shit out of this, but you shouldn’t have done that for two reasons. The first is that it 99 out of 100 times it will lead you to ruin. The second is that it means you would rely on the success of the Patriots for fantasy points and FUCK THAT.

ALEX- VICTORY! ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? IS THIS NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE?

You Beat- Shelby Rabb

You played:
QB- Aaron Rodgers
RB1- Eddie Lacy
RB2- Jonathan Stewart
WR1- Sammy Watkins

WR2- Jeremy Maclin

TE- Travis Kelce

FLEX- Ryan Mathews

D- Panthers

K- Steven Hauschka

So, how did it go?

Ok, just off the bat, I’m not sure what pisses me off more: the fact that you played the starting TE and the first string WR for Kansas City, whose quarterback actually holds the Guiness world record for Most Mediocre… Or that you actually won because of it. Fuck Kansas City. I hope Andy Reed stops being the coach and returns to the ocean to live with the rest of the whales.

Then there was Aaron Rodgers, who did some Aaron Rodgers shit and somehow scored multiple touchdowns, despite the fact that his offensive line stopped caring around 5 minutes into the game. Also, Ryan Mathews. Who played against Cleveland. At home. Without their starting QB.

And then there was… nothing. The rest of your team took a massive shit. Eddie Lacy gave you less than your defense and slightly more than your kicker. Sammy Watkins tried to be a wide receiver, probably until his coaches explained to him that his job was actually to get injured in the first game of the season. Say what you want about that man, he knows how to hurt his foot.

Yeah, I have nothing else to say about this team. Jonathan Stewart did meh. Steven Hauschka, although he is 2^nd favorite gay NFL player (right behind JJ Watt) is barely worth mentioning. Panthers gave you 8 and then lost their game on a missed field goal because fuck them.

Good Win! Have fun when you start Mike Wallace over Sammy Watkins and get 3 points!

SHELBY RABB- TELL EM GENE!

You lost to- Alex

You played:
QB- Carson Palmer
RB1- Lamar Miller
RB2- Frank Gore
WR1- Allen Robinson

WR2- T.Y. Hilton

TE- Greg Olsen

FLEX- John Brown

D- Chiefs

K- Adam Vinatieri

So, how did it go?

It went exactly as well as it could have. You started the best possible players, and they didn’t do anything. Carson Palmer gave you a decent effort. Lamar Miller did as well as anyone with half a brain could expect him to. The rest of it was an oscillation between 10 ish points and absolutely nothing. The Chiefs gave you a goose egg, because they suck just bad enough to let the Chargers almost beat them, but aren’t good enough to play any defense while that happens.

John Brown caught one pass for less than 10 yards, apparently due to concussion protocol. It’s always a good sign when your flex player has been hit in the head too many times to figure out how to run more than 8 yards past the line of scrimmage.

You got 10 each from Allen Robinson and TY Hilton because out of nowhere, their TE’s (Julius Thomas and Dwayne Allen) finally got un-stuck from their respective Chinese finger traps and decided to go be football players. Really, there wasn’t a goddamn thing you could have done.

I’m sorry dude, but I have nothing else to say about it. Your week sucked. Move on.

LARA- ALL YOU’VE DONE THIS SEASON IS WIN.

You Beat (The Everloving Shit Out Of)- Bailee

You played:
QB- Cam Newton
RB1- Matt Forte
RB2-Giovani Bernard
WR1- AJ Green

WR2- Keenan Allen

TE- Jason Witten

FLEX- Randall Cobb

D- Vikings

K- Blair Walsh

So, how did it go?

Holy fuck. Awesome, actually. First of all, it didn’t hurt that you got 21 out of Minnesota’s defense. Blair Walsh tacked on 14. I guess I shouldn’t really be surprised- if anyone is going to score points in Minnesota (and believe me, sometimes they won’t) it’s going to be either Blair Walsh or their defense. Ask Brandon how AP did- it’s hard to score a touchdown when your starting QB blows out a knee and your current QB is three snaps away from blowing out a knee.

AJ Green put up 30 points after shitting in the graves of Darrell Revis’s ancestors, and Cam Newton did just fine until the Broncos stopped playing football and started playing “Scramble Cam Newton’s Brain.”

And THEN, despite anything resembling logical sense, Jason Witten not only played a game, but caught 9 goddamn passes. That’s five players and you’ve already toasted Bailee.

On the other hand, Giovani Bernard only exists to catch two yard passes and get under-utilized in the run game, and since Sunday there’s been a snapped piece of silly putty where Keenan Allen’s ACL used to be. However, based on this performance, you could murder one of your fantasy players every week and still win the goddamn league.

Good Win! Try to injure Philip Rivers next time!

BAILEE- TELL EM GENE!

You lost (horrendously) to- Lara

You played:
QB- Drew Brees
RB1- Ezekiel Elliot
RB2- LeSean McCoy
WR1- Donte Moncrief

WR2- Golden Tate

TE- Delanie Walker

FLEX- Tyler Locket

D- Packers

K- Matt Bryant

So, how did it go?

Look, I want to try and rip this team a new asshole, but man, this is just sad. Tyler Lockett and Doug Baldwin are basically the exact same person, and for whatever reason, Doug Baldwin just got thrown to more. I guess he dropped a few passes, but if I’m you, I’m happy about that, because at least you have some sort of an excuse.

But then again, it’s not like it really would have mattered. Exact same story with your TE, WR2, and Ezekiel Elliot.

Seriously, I hate this. I would love to tell you that had you started somebody different you could have come back, or talk shit about the players you do have, but I can’t. Even your top scorer (by 15 points) Drew Brees threw for a bazillion yards and forty seven touchdowns and still lost to THE MOTHERFUCKING RAIDERS. GOD DAMMIT.

At this point, the only thing I can say is “better luck next year.”

NATE- YOU DID TO YOUR OPPONENT WHAT YOKO DID TO THE BEATLES.

You beat (the hell from)- Scarlett

You played:
QB- Russell Wilson
RB1- Jeremy Langford
RB2- Rashad Jennings
WR1- Antonio Brown

WR2- Jordy Nelson

TE- Jordan Reed

FLEX- Willie Snead

D- Texans

K- Dan Bailey

So, how did it go?

Well, let’s take a look. You got 28 out of Antonio Brown- good choice. You took him first overall and he’s actually producing. It’s good to see that somebody around here knows what they’re doing. That’s probably why you got almost as many points from… Willie Snead. Wow. Nevermind what I said about you knowing your shit. The guy you probably forgot to take out of your flex position randomly scored 28 points for no reason whatsoever. Who else scored? Oh, right. Your fucking kicker. I can see why you were so goddamn excited about Dan Bailey. He’s going to get 4 FG’s a week because there’s no way in hell that Dallas ever gets into the fucking end zone.

Everyone on your team scored double digits except for Jordan Reed, who only had 9.5. Christ, you somehow even got 10 points from the Texans defense, which is basically JJ Watt and some awkwardly placed mannequins.

You had Darren Sproles, Steve Smith Sr., Pierre Garcon and Duke Johnson Jr. on your bench, and you decided to start Willie Snead. PLEASE DO THIS EVERY WEEK.

Whatever, you won by a lot so your write-up is shorter than the rest. Sue me.

Good Win! WILLIE SNEAD IS TOTALLY GOING TO SCORE 300 POINTS THIS YEAR. TOTALLY.

SCARLETT- TELL EM GENE!

You lost (obscenely) to- Nate

You played:
QB-Eli Manning
RB1- Spencer Ware
RB2- Justin Forsett
WR1- Odell Beckham Jr.

WR2- Brandon Marshall

TE- Coby Fleener

FLEX- Stefon Diggs

D- Patriots

K- Mason Crosby

So, how did it go?

Not great. Any time Spencer ware is the highest scoring player on your team, it should raise an eyebrow. Anytime Stefon Diggs is the second (with less than half of Spencer Ware’s points) it should raise the other eyebrow. Then, if OBJ goes for 9 and Brandon Marshall goes for 4.5, you should raise just everything.

Your team gave me a facelift, is what I guess I’m trying to say.

Really, it’s not like there was a whole lot you could do- you could have put Isaiah Crowell in for Justin Forsett and Tajae Sharpe in for Brandon Marshall (neither of which you should do, ever) and you still wouldn’t have been in the same universe as the guy who accidentally started Willie Snead over literally anybody else.

3 points from the Patriots defense. They screw one of my dear friends and they still win their game against Arizona. God dammit.

Coby Fleener isn’t looking great. At least you have him in a half PPR league- I had to start him in another league because Gronk can’t figure out whether his hamstring hurts or not. Flash forward to watching Coby Wan Kenobi play the whole game without catching anything but a craptastic five yarder, and watching Willie Snead randomly go apeshit.

Fucking Patriots.

SAM- VICTORY IS MINE! RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!

I beat- Nick

I played:
QB- Blake Bortles
RB1- David Johnson
RB2- Carlos Hyde
WR1- Brandin Cooks

WR2- Mike Evans

TE- Dwayne Allen

FLEX- Allen Hurns

D- BRONCOS BABY

K- Brandon McManus

So, how did it go?

Pretty goddamn swell, if I do say so myself. Brandin Cooks, the only receiver on the saints who should have 30 points (LOOKING AT YOU, SNEAD) got, well, 30 points.

Shit, everyone brought the ruckus except for the Broncos D, the Broncos Kicker, and I guess Allen Hurns?

Anyway, take a look for yourselves. This fucking write-up is already 3000 words long, I’m not trying to stay awake until 4 am.

NICK- TELL EM GENE!


You lost to- a Sasquatch with a brand spanking new video game tattoo.

You played:
QB- Andrew Luck

RB1-Christine Michael

RB2-Latavius Murray

WR1-DeAndre Hopkins

WR2- Jarvis Landry

TE- Antonio Gates
D- Steelers

K- Stephen Gostkowski (was taken in the 12^th round.)

Man, I was glad that I was the first one to play you. It isn’t until you’ve lost to me that you’ve hopefully learned that Christine Michael is a chump, that Antonio Gates is 300 years old, that Danny Woodhead, though he may look like a pedophile, is actually kind of a big deal in San Diego, and that Ameer Abdullah is basically all that Detroit has.

Gronk was hurt, but I don’t know how well that would have even helped you. You lost by 27.5 and the only way Gronk could get those kind of numbers is if he was playing with Tom Brady against a defense that wasn’t the Cardinals. Neither of those things occurred.

Andrew Luck went nuts- 20 points more than my QB, or any QB not named Rodgers. I hate that we have to play that fucking guy on Sunday, but the fact that he lost to the Detroit Lions makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

The Steelers defense hasn’t done anything interesting since a year before Troy Polamalu left town. Three years if you don’t count the time he did a commercial for dandruff shampoo.

I’m honestly surprised Latavius Murray didn’t score more for you. The guy made the Saints linebackers look like bowling pins. The way he runs, he’s due for a concussion this year (go Broncos) but until then he’s going to score all of the points for you.

Also, you drafted a kicker in the 12^th round.


Have a great weekend kids. See ya’ll next week.