OH MAH GAWD YALL ITS FAHNALLY HURR.
This is going to be me talking shit about every team (including, and maybe even especially, mine). It took me forever to write this so shit down, shut up, and fucking read it.
Let's get this over with!
Nate:
Antonio Brown
Jordy Nelson
Russell Wilson
Jordan Reed
This is going to be me talking shit about every team (including, and maybe even especially, mine). It took me forever to write this so shit down, shut up, and fucking read it.
Let's get this over with!
Nate:
Antonio Brown
Jordy Nelson
Russell Wilson
Jordan Reed
Jeremy Langford
Duke Johnson Jr.
Willie Snead
Vincent Jackson
James White
Dak Prescott
Darren Sproles
Duke Johnson Jr.
Willie Snead
Vincent Jackson
James White
Dak Prescott
Darren Sproles
Steve Smith Sr.
Houston
Houston
Pierre Garcon
Dan Bailey
I’ve had to look at this board three different times to make sure I can actually believe it, but you waited until round 5 to draft a RB. I don’t even have a joke for that. What I do have is jokes for the RB’s you did draft: Jeremy Langford (RB by committee under a John Fox led offense… in Chicago. Enjoy your 3.5 points a game) Duke Johnson Jr. (not a starter on his own team) James White (not a football player for ANY team) Rashad Jennings (will probably hurt himself by opening up a bag of fruit snacks) and Darren Sproles. The fun part about that pick is that based on what happened during the draft, I know that the better Darren Sproles does, the harder Bailee will slap you.
Dan Bailey
I’ve had to look at this board three different times to make sure I can actually believe it, but you waited until round 5 to draft a RB. I don’t even have a joke for that. What I do have is jokes for the RB’s you did draft: Jeremy Langford (RB by committee under a John Fox led offense… in Chicago. Enjoy your 3.5 points a game) Duke Johnson Jr. (not a starter on his own team) James White (not a football player for ANY team) Rashad Jennings (will probably hurt himself by opening up a bag of fruit snacks) and Darren Sproles. The fun part about that pick is that based on what happened during the draft, I know that the better Darren Sproles does, the harder Bailee will slap you.
Who
else is in this shitpile? Oh, right! Russell Wilson! Who wants to
bet that Nate’s QB will have more rushing yards than the RBs he
drafted combined? I have a great feeling about Russell Wilson. The
Seahawks took the money they saved from not having to pay Marshawn Lynch and
spent it on everything except an
offensive line, meaning that the guy that’s mostly famous for having sex with his wife (google it) will
probably be comatose before week 7. I can’t wait.
Willie Snead would have been a great pick if Brandin Cooks and Michael Thomas didn’t exist, but as it stands, between him, Vincent Jackson, and Pierre Garcon you have three wide receivers that will only score points when they’re on your bench (this is known as Torrey Smith Syndrome, or TSS.)
But
there’s good news. Steve Smith Sr. is apparently not only alive,
but still in the NFL! I’m surprised they’re letting him back on
the field, considering he’s at the age where he has to ask his
doctor if he’s healthy enough for sex.
Dak Prescott might be good! Hopefully so, anyway, because that’s the only way Dan Bailey (the player you were most excited about) scores any goddamn points.
In conclusion, your team is the worst.
Bailee:
Dak Prescott might be good! Hopefully so, anyway, because that’s the only way Dan Bailey (the player you were most excited about) scores any goddamn points.
In conclusion, your team is the worst.
Bailee:
Ezekiel Elliott
Drew Brees
LeSean McCoy
LeSean McCoy
Donte Moncrief
Golden Tate
Delanie Walker
Zach Ertz
Charles Simms
Tyler Lockett
Shane Vereen
Kenny Stills
Alex Smith
CJ Spiller
CJ Spiller
Green Bay
Raheem Mostert
Victor Cruz
Ezekiel Elliot is an unproven rookie with a record of domestic violence (meaning he’s perfect for the Cowboys,) and you took him second overall. If we had IDP’s, I assume you would have taken Greg Hardy with your first pick.
LeSean McCoy, huh? Well, the Bills brought in Reggie Bush to team up with Mike Gillislee to steal half of Shady’s touchdowns. Tyrod Taylor will steal the rest of them. I’m glad that you have more faith in your RB than Buffalo does.
But I get it. Where you got him, there was slim pickings. It wasn’t like there were a bunch of genuinely solid RB’s available. It’s not like you could have gotten Jamaal Charles, Mark Ingram, Latavius Murray, Matt Forte or Carlos Hyde at that point… Wait a minute… [checks draft board] SERIOUSLY?!? Are you aiming for 8th place?
Ezekiel Elliot is an unproven rookie with a record of domestic violence (meaning he’s perfect for the Cowboys,) and you took him second overall. If we had IDP’s, I assume you would have taken Greg Hardy with your first pick.
LeSean McCoy, huh? Well, the Bills brought in Reggie Bush to team up with Mike Gillislee to steal half of Shady’s touchdowns. Tyrod Taylor will steal the rest of them. I’m glad that you have more faith in your RB than Buffalo does.
But I get it. Where you got him, there was slim pickings. It wasn’t like there were a bunch of genuinely solid RB’s available. It’s not like you could have gotten Jamaal Charles, Mark Ingram, Latavius Murray, Matt Forte or Carlos Hyde at that point… Wait a minute… [checks draft board] SERIOUSLY?!? Are you aiming for 8th place?
Your
WR’s might be better. Who did you get, anyway? I really hope your
first WR
was a proven starter with consistent points. [Checks Draft board]
YOUR FIRST PICK WAS DONTE FUCKING MONCRIEF? He’s the third
receiving option for the Colts (4th
if Frank Gore survives the season) and he was your first WR?
Ok. Drew Brees. Solid pickup. There’s seriously nothing wrong with this pick. I mean it’s not like he hasn’t even re-signed a contract with the Saints or anything. [Google] GOD DAMMIT BAILEE.
Who’s your backup? Alex Smith? Alex Smith is technically a quarterback in the same way Frio Light is technically a beer. They’ll both do the job, but it won’t be worth the taste in your mouth. You also drafted the 8th and 9th best tight ends. Great.
In conclusion, your team is absolutely shit.
Shelby Allen:
Ok. Drew Brees. Solid pickup. There’s seriously nothing wrong with this pick. I mean it’s not like he hasn’t even re-signed a contract with the Saints or anything. [Google] GOD DAMMIT BAILEE.
Who’s your backup? Alex Smith? Alex Smith is technically a quarterback in the same way Frio Light is technically a beer. They’ll both do the job, but it won’t be worth the taste in your mouth. You also drafted the 8th and 9th best tight ends. Great.
In conclusion, your team is absolutely shit.
Shelby Allen:
Julio Jones
CJ Anderson
Alshon Jeffrey
Jeremy Hill
Jeremy Hill
Tom Brady
Emmanuel Sanders
Arian Foster
Jordan Cameron
Travis Benjamin
Theo Riddick
Brock Osweiler
Brock Osweiler
James Starks
Kenneth Dixon
Jared Cook
Los Angeles
Sebastian Janikowski
If you look at the draft board, you’ll see that your fifth pick, Tom Brady, was placed upside down. It’s almost like the board says “now this is where things get completely fucked up.”
You drafted arguably the best receiver (Julio), a top ten and top 20 RB (CJ and Jeremy Hill), and then Alshon Jeffrey, who is the only person that can catch a fucking pass in Chicago now that Matt Forte and Martellus Bennett are gone. Looking good so far!
And then it all went straight to hell.
Tom Brady isn’t there for four games, meaning that you’re starting Brock Osweiler. I bet Brock completes more passes to the Colts secondary than he does to his own players (unless you include JJ Watt, who they should probably just make QB anyway.)
If you look at the draft board, you’ll see that your fifth pick, Tom Brady, was placed upside down. It’s almost like the board says “now this is where things get completely fucked up.”
You drafted arguably the best receiver (Julio), a top ten and top 20 RB (CJ and Jeremy Hill), and then Alshon Jeffrey, who is the only person that can catch a fucking pass in Chicago now that Matt Forte and Martellus Bennett are gone. Looking good so far!
And then it all went straight to hell.
Tom Brady isn’t there for four games, meaning that you’re starting Brock Osweiler. I bet Brock completes more passes to the Colts secondary than he does to his own players (unless you include JJ Watt, who they should probably just make QB anyway.)
Emmanuel Sanders was falling off when the ghost of Peyton Manning was throwing to him last year, and now the guy who was third string behind him is throwing passes. Sounds like a recipe for success! Jordan Cameron and Arian Foster are next. The fun part about those guys is that even if they stay healthy (they won’t) they’re still playing for the goddamn Dolphins. Adam Gase is the head coach for the Dolphins. I googled “miami dolphins coach” and the first thing that popped up was a picture of Adam Gase with the biography of Don Shula. Try it for yourself! Definitely sounds like a team I’d invest in.
Travis Benjamin is the third best option that RG3 has. Let that sink in a second.
According to Rotoworld, Theo Riddick is the #2 RB and the #3 Goal Line back for the Lions. However, he is listed as the starter at the #3 RB position, meaning that not only do the Lions not know how football works, but they also don’t know how numbers work.
James Starks will play when Eddy Lacy sucks, meaning that the success of your team depends on one man’s weight fluctuations.
Also,
fuck Sebastian Janikowski.
In conclusion, this team will lose everything forever.
Scarlett:
In conclusion, this team will lose everything forever.
Scarlett:
Odell Beckham Jr
Brandon Marshall
Jamaal Charles
Thomas Rawls
Eli Manning
Coby Fleener
Matt Jones
Stefon Diggs
Isaiah Crowell
New England
Spencer Ware
Rishard Matthews
Justin Forsett
MyCole Pruitt
Mason Crosby
Tajai Sharp
This one just went fucking weird. So you drafted Jamaal Charles and Spencer Ware, knowing that they’re both going to eat into each others points. Unless your plan was to start both of them and hope that the Chiefs score five rushing touchdowns a game, I feel like it’s safe to say you’ve lost your goddamn mind. Matt Jones is here, probably because I didn’t explain that your players lose points when they fumble. Thomas Rawls is already hurt, and also apparently somehow sucks more than Christine Michael, who’s passed him on the depth chart.
But then you drafted Justin Forsett in the 13th. The Ravens cut and re-signed him just so they had some leeway to move players to the IR, and he might be your best runningback.
What
the hell is going on around here?
You decided to chase your bet with Eli once you drafted OBJ. Good choice. Before, Eli was a mentally challenged turnover machine who could only fart out two decent games a year, but now he’s actually getting old. Clearly, much better than Ryan Fitzpatrick, who has more and better targets (including your second pick Brandon Marshall) and twice the IQ points. But who wants the easy route, amiright?
Who else am I forgetting? Oh right! Coby Fleener. Wasn’t sure what was going on with him, so I googled his name...
You decided to chase your bet with Eli once you drafted OBJ. Good choice. Before, Eli was a mentally challenged turnover machine who could only fart out two decent games a year, but now he’s actually getting old. Clearly, much better than Ryan Fitzpatrick, who has more and better targets (including your second pick Brandon Marshall) and twice the IQ points. But who wants the easy route, amiright?
Who else am I forgetting? Oh right! Coby Fleener. Wasn’t sure what was going on with him, so I googled his name...
Have fun with that shit. Look at his pictures. He looks like the bastard offspring of Igor and every bad guy from an 80’s movie. Your other tight end is MyCole Pruitt, who in addition to having the worst first name ever (MyCole? I’m not a parent, but if you name your kid Cole, I think he’s technically already yours. So there’s no need to... oh fucking forget it) also became somehow more useless when Teddy Bridgewater’s knee spontaneously combusted.
Tajae Sharp is going to be awesome, but I think you’re going to need him to put up 30 points a game to carry this dumpster fire.
In conclusion, this team will only bring shame to your ancestors.
Justin:
Todd Gurley
Le'Veon Bell
Todd Gurley
Le'Veon Bell
Mark Ingram
Julian Edelman
Kelvin Benjamin
Eric Decker
Deangelo Williams
Tyler Eifert
Kevin White
Tyrod Taylor
Jerick McKinnon
Kirk Cousins
Charles Clay
Cincinnati
Graham Gano
Chris Johnson
You were really excited about your team when the draft was over. You couldn’t stop looking at it by the time we were done. And honestly, I’m not sure why- you didn't have that much to drink. The best guess I have is that you didn’t read past your first three picks. You scored three badass RBs, and then decided that it was maybe time to draft something else when it became apparent that Tyrod Taylor was the best quarterback available. (Now you know how Bills fans feel.)
You were really excited about your team when the draft was over. You couldn’t stop looking at it by the time we were done. And honestly, I’m not sure why- you didn't have that much to drink. The best guess I have is that you didn’t read past your first three picks. You scored three badass RBs, and then decided that it was maybe time to draft something else when it became apparent that Tyrod Taylor was the best quarterback available. (Now you know how Bills fans feel.)
Literally everyone on your roster whose job is to catch passes is part of a Venn diagram of “Injury prone,” “Unproven,” and “Not the first option.” Julian Edelman is a fuccboi whose got Jimmy Gorrappalooeoallgo (that’s how you spell his name right? I’m not googling it) throwing to him, then one of two things happens. Either Garafalo turns out to be better than an aging, out of practice Tom Brady, or he isn’t. Either way, Julian’s production’s going to be half what it was last year. Enjoy!
Has
Kelvin Benjamin torn his ACL yet? How about now? Wait for it…
Now?
Eric Decker will give you consistent points every game- probably 3.
Eric Decker will give you consistent points every game- probably 3.
I
just realized something: your entire season is going to be
incorrectly guessing whether or not Brandon
Marshall, Rob Gronkowski, Alshon Jeffrey, or Greg Olsen is going to
have an off week, so that
your collection of backups can have a football thrown their way.
(Spoiler alert: they
probably won’t.)
But hey, at least your RB situation is completely solid. Your first pick, Todd Gurley, follows the grand tradition of Alabama RB’s who were amazing in their second season. Much like Mark Ingram (who went from a five touchdown season to a five touchdown season to a one touchdown season… who you also drafted for some shit-awful reason) or Eddy Lacy (who got fat and started fumbling) or Trent Richardson (who… BWAHAHAHA fuck the Colts.) There’s no way this goes wrong for you. Hey, at least you get your best RB (LeVeon) back in four weeks, probably!
Tyler Eifart will probably be healthy enough to play 13 games his entire career. Fuck that guy for being such a tease.
In conclusion, the nicest thing I can say about this team is that it’s absolutely Sacko worthy.
Lara:
But hey, at least your RB situation is completely solid. Your first pick, Todd Gurley, follows the grand tradition of Alabama RB’s who were amazing in their second season. Much like Mark Ingram (who went from a five touchdown season to a five touchdown season to a one touchdown season… who you also drafted for some shit-awful reason) or Eddy Lacy (who got fat and started fumbling) or Trent Richardson (who… BWAHAHAHA fuck the Colts.) There’s no way this goes wrong for you. Hey, at least you get your best RB (LeVeon) back in four weeks, probably!
Tyler Eifart will probably be healthy enough to play 13 games his entire career. Fuck that guy for being such a tease.
In conclusion, the nicest thing I can say about this team is that it’s absolutely Sacko worthy.
Lara:
Aj Green
Cam Newton
Keenan Allen
Matt Forte
Larry Fitzgerald
Randall Cobb
Giovani Bernard
Michael Crabtree
TJ Yeldon
Phillip Rivers
Jason Witten
Devin Funchess
Tevin Coleman
Deandre Washington
Blair Walsh
New York Jets
Well, AJ Green was a solid first choice, mostly because there’s nobody else to throw to on the Bengals since Mohammed Sanu went to go play second fiddle to a different all-star receiver, Marvin Jones went to go play second fiddle because there is no first fiddle in Detroit, and Tyler Eifart dislocates his ankle whenever he takes his socks off too quickly. Hopefully the Browns, Steelers, and Ravens are too stupid to put him in triple coverage and you get something resembling a season out of him.
You should rename this team “This team would win if this was 2014.” Matt Forte is about to be the next in a long, distinguished line of RB’s who will lose carries to Bilal Powell when you really, really need the points. That was Chris Ivory’s storyline last year, and now Ivory’s headed down to Jacksonville to steal carries from your other RB, TJ Yeldon. Jesus, your other RB’s are on their way to disappointment. Tevin Coleman will have two awesome games, and then the Falcons will sit him for the rest of the season because the Falcons are fucking garbage. Giovani Bernard will only give you points when you bench him (TSS strikes again!)
Everyone thinks Keenan Allen is going to be awesome this year, but I think they’re forgetting a few things. The first is that Phillip Rivers is an alcoholic pedophile with early onset Alzheimers, who’s going through a nasty divorce because it was found that he had a second family in Palo Alto and is secretly a transvestite and also FUCK PHILIP RIVERS.
The second thing is that Keenan Allen is going up against the AFC West secondaries in 6 different games. Really, you should hope that he drops his passes, lest he get his neck snapped by Aqib Talib or Eric Barry. Keenan Allen only exists to frustrate you, Lara. At least Michael Crabtree will show you the common courtesy of simply never getting open.
You
have Larry Fitzgerald, who is somehow good again, at least until
Carson Palmer injures his knee in the same gruesome way he did last
time (he was walking, slowly, by himself.)
Randall Cobb is cool, I guess. He put up meh numbers whenever Jordy was out for the season. But who knows, maybe Aaron Rodgers got twice as good out of nowhere.
Also, Jason Witten is your only TE? Were you just looking for the challenge? He’s gotten consistently worse since 2010, and now Buttfumble will be under-throwing him. (Should Mark Sanchez run into Jason Wittens ass and Buttfumble 2: Electric Boogaloo happens, I will straight up give you fifty bucks because that would make my life.)
In conclusion, this team is just so, so sad. Like, so sad. I can’t even.
JD:
Randall Cobb is cool, I guess. He put up meh numbers whenever Jordy was out for the season. But who knows, maybe Aaron Rodgers got twice as good out of nowhere.
Also, Jason Witten is your only TE? Were you just looking for the challenge? He’s gotten consistently worse since 2010, and now Buttfumble will be under-throwing him. (Should Mark Sanchez run into Jason Wittens ass and Buttfumble 2: Electric Boogaloo happens, I will straight up give you fifty bucks because that would make my life.)
In conclusion, this team is just so, so sad. Like, so sad. I can’t even.
JD:
Devonta Freeman
Doug Martin
Amari Cooper
Ben Roethlisberger
Michael Floyd
Jordan Matthews
Chris Ivory
Gary Barnidge
Seattle
Devontae Booker
Matthew Stafford
Jay Ajayi
Justin Tucker
Eric Ebron
Laquon Treadwell
Wow.
Devonta Freeman. Nothing says “I prepared
for this draft by briefly glancing
at a fantasy football magazine three minutes before it started” like drafting Devonta Freeman in the first round. Fast
forward five weeks when you’re trading him away for Steve Hauschka
and a sandwich.
JD, as the poor fuck who has drafted Michael Floyd more times than I’m proud to admit, let me tell you how your season is going to go. He’s going to give you a 100 point season, but 80 of those will come in two weeks. The rest will be a long, infuriating process of second guessing yourself, which will leave you drunk, heartsick and broken.
You don’t deserve that, JD. [Checks Board] YOU DRAFTED RAPELISBERGER IN THE 4TH? I take it back, JD. You deserve your 10th place finish. Go cry in the corner.
Who else did you grab? Oh, right. DeSean Jackson. You already have a rapist, why not bring a gang member along? Nothing like being the 3rd choice (4th whenever Matt Jones isn’t fumbling his ass off) of a Kirk Cousins led offense.
Jordan Matthews runs at the speed of smell, and I suspect that the only reason he’s able to get open is that opposing secondaries think he’s just a lost, confused lineman. Carson Wetnz is his quarterback now, which is actually a slight downgrade from Sam Bradford, who was a slight downgrade from Mark Sanchez, who was his quarterback when he was still getting sub-par WR numbers. If I’m you, I’m praying they decide to let Jordan Matthews play QB.
Seriously, your entire team falls into three categories: Overrated, Criminal, and Amari Cooper. Amari Cooper plays for the Raiders. Did you know that? That means that I, through no fault of my own, am currently sacrificing virgin goats to convince whatever deities that will hear me to kill the Oakland Raiders. That’s what your team is to me, JD.
In conclusion, your team can eat an extra crispy industrial size bag of economy quality dicks.
JD, as the poor fuck who has drafted Michael Floyd more times than I’m proud to admit, let me tell you how your season is going to go. He’s going to give you a 100 point season, but 80 of those will come in two weeks. The rest will be a long, infuriating process of second guessing yourself, which will leave you drunk, heartsick and broken.
You don’t deserve that, JD. [Checks Board] YOU DRAFTED RAPELISBERGER IN THE 4TH? I take it back, JD. You deserve your 10th place finish. Go cry in the corner.
Who else did you grab? Oh, right. DeSean Jackson. You already have a rapist, why not bring a gang member along? Nothing like being the 3rd choice (4th whenever Matt Jones isn’t fumbling his ass off) of a Kirk Cousins led offense.
Jordan Matthews runs at the speed of smell, and I suspect that the only reason he’s able to get open is that opposing secondaries think he’s just a lost, confused lineman. Carson Wetnz is his quarterback now, which is actually a slight downgrade from Sam Bradford, who was a slight downgrade from Mark Sanchez, who was his quarterback when he was still getting sub-par WR numbers. If I’m you, I’m praying they decide to let Jordan Matthews play QB.
Seriously, your entire team falls into three categories: Overrated, Criminal, and Amari Cooper. Amari Cooper plays for the Raiders. Did you know that? That means that I, through no fault of my own, am currently sacrificing virgin goats to convince whatever deities that will hear me to kill the Oakland Raiders. That’s what your team is to me, JD.
In conclusion, your team can eat an extra crispy industrial size bag of economy quality dicks.
My Sexy Ass:
David Johnson
Brandin Cooks
David Johnson
Brandin Cooks
Mike Evans
Carlos Hyde
Melvin Gordon
Blake Bortles
Allen Hurns
Dwayne Allen
Dion Lewis
Denver
Dion Lewis
Denver
Markus Wheaton
Karlos Williams (fucking hell...)
Jameis Winston
Austin Sefarian Jenkins
Javorius Allen
Brandon McManus
Jesus, what the fuck was I thinking. David Johnson had a schedule softer than my back boobs last year, and is probably the second coming of Darren McFadden. Brandin Cooks is three feet tall. I bet he catches a ride to every game in Drew Brees’s gym bag. No wonder he’s always hurt- it’s a miracle if he can make it through the locker room without getting crushed by a discarded towel.
Jesus, what the fuck was I thinking. David Johnson had a schedule softer than my back boobs last year, and is probably the second coming of Darren McFadden. Brandin Cooks is three feet tall. I bet he catches a ride to every game in Drew Brees’s gym bag. No wonder he’s always hurt- it’s a miracle if he can make it through the locker room without getting crushed by a discarded towel.
Oh
right, I drafted Chris Evans. I meant to say Mike Evans, but the guy
who’s currently talking shit about everyone’s football acumen
couldn’t remember the name of one of the best receivers in the NFL and
accidentally drafted Captain America. I wasn’t even drunk- at
least then, I’d have a fucking excuse.
I
also drafted Allen Hurns, meaning that I took an opportunity to
better my team and squandered
it by picking
the second best receiver for the fucking
Jaguars who has
the first name “Allen.”
What this means is that if I want my receivers to score any points for me, I now have to depend on the football prowess of Blake “500 or zero yards a game” Bortles or Jameis “Fuck Sam Right In the Pussy” Winston. Who drafted those two schmucks anyway? Wasn't it the same person? [Checks Board, takes shot of whiskey] FUCK ME.
But it’s OK! I have Carlos Hyde! I’m sure he’ll give me two touchdowns in both of the games that concussion protocol lets him play in. I also have Melvin Gordon. I drafted a guy in the 5th round who scored zero touchdowns last year. Mustachioed creep Danny Woodhead is second string, and he got drafted literally four picks later.
My tight end situation is fucked. Dwayne Allen has the hip of a 96 year old osteoporosis patient. Austin Sefarian Jenkins splits repetitions with Cameron Brate, who might actually be starting ahead of him. I hope I can trade Lara for Witten.
What this means is that if I want my receivers to score any points for me, I now have to depend on the football prowess of Blake “500 or zero yards a game” Bortles or Jameis “Fuck Sam Right In the Pussy” Winston. Who drafted those two schmucks anyway? Wasn't it the same person? [Checks Board, takes shot of whiskey] FUCK ME.
But it’s OK! I have Carlos Hyde! I’m sure he’ll give me two touchdowns in both of the games that concussion protocol lets him play in. I also have Melvin Gordon. I drafted a guy in the 5th round who scored zero touchdowns last year. Mustachioed creep Danny Woodhead is second string, and he got drafted literally four picks later.
My tight end situation is fucked. Dwayne Allen has the hip of a 96 year old osteoporosis patient. Austin Sefarian Jenkins splits repetitions with Cameron Brate, who might actually be starting ahead of him. I hope I can trade Lara for Witten.
Here’s my best moment during the draft: After loudly declaring that there was somebody who was available that shouldn’t have been, in front of a roomful of people I care about (and also Tapia,) I proudly drafted Karlos Williams in the 12th. Karlos Williams was cut from the Bills a week ago for being too fat.
I’m such a tool.
In conclusion, this team is a miracle, and it will shit in your graves.
Shelby
Rabb:
Lamar Miller
Allen Robinson
T.Y. Hilton
T.Y. Hilton
Greg Olsen
Frank Gore
Carson Palmer
John Brown
Derrick Henry
DeVante Parker
Tavon Austin
Bilal Powell
Kansas City
Charcandrick West
Kendall Wright
Adam Vinatieri
Zach Miller
Here’s
a list of people who will have more rushing touchdowns than Lamar
Miller this year-
Devonta Freeman
Devonta Freeman
TJ
Yeldon
Deangelo Williams
Deangelo Williams
Arian
Foster
Darren
McFadden
Peyton Manning
Peyton Manning
Mother
Theresa
The Easter Bunny
The Easter Bunny
The rest are a little obscure.
Who else do you have here: Pretty solid receiving core- Having Allen Robinson and TY Hilton means that you’re going to lose 11 games by fewer than 10 points. John Brown is awesome; what I love about him is that the only passes he’ll ever catch are over 50 yards. If you want a touchdown out of John Brown, but you’re at the 49 yard line, sucks to be you.
Here’s a fun fact for you football trivia buffs: Frank Gore is actually still alive. We’ll have weekly updates.
Ah, so you drafted Carson Palmer. Good to know. When Carson Palmer dislocates his entire skeleton picking a flower, it will ruin you, Lara, and JD. (This is who you can blame, y’all!)
Derrick Henry is an awesome runningback who can score boundless points and destroy the entire AFC South. Unfortunately, he plays for the Titans, who are a bunch of shit-gargling fuckwits who will never sit DeMarco Murray because they basically spent half of Tennessee’s GDP on him. Unless DeMarco dies, you’re fucked.
Now let’s see what the rest of your team looks like. DeVante Parker is out. Kendall Wright is out indefinitely. You somehow grabbed the only RB in Kansas City that’s not in danger of scoring fantasy points (although bonus points for the name Charkandrick West. Sounds like a rapping Pokemon.)
You have Greg Olsen, who is not terrible. You also have Bilal Powell, who absolutely is.
I’m going to tell you this now. There are millions of people who will tell you, for the next ten years, that THIS IS THE YEAR THAT TAVON AUSTIN TAKES OFF BRAH. Well, he won’t. Tavon Austin is shit. He will perpetually absorb draft picks that could have been spent on better players, because Tavon Austin hates you, because Tavon Austin is the goddamn devil.
In conclusion, fuck Tavon Austin.
Brandon:
Adrian Peterson
Adrian Peterson
Dez Bryant
Demaryius Thomas
DeMarco Murray
Doug Baldwin
Derek Carr
Sterling Shephard
Julius Thomas
LeGarrette Blount
Arizona
Michael Thomas
Jimmy Graham
Alfred Morris
Matt Ryan
Terrance Williams
Chandler Catanzaro
I don’t even know what to say about this one. Adrian Peterson is the only player on the Vikings offense, so unless he, like, switches uniforms with somebody, there really isn’t anybody else opposing defenses have to worry about. All you need to get a return on investment from your first round pick is for a 32 year old RB to score 12 TDS, run for 1300 yards in an NFL that knows he’s the only offensive weapon, all without getting injured. That's totally gonna happen, buddy!
Somebody named Dak will be throwing passes to somebody named Dez and I can’t wait to hear whatever shitty turn of phrase Cris Collinsworth or Phil Simms comes up with. “That’s the Dez Dak-Attack, JEEM!” Fuck you in advance for that.
As soon as DeMarco got out from behind the Dallas offensive line, he ran for half as many touchdowns and 1/3 as many yards. He’s since been shipped to Tennessee for all of the money, where he will bumble his way to 500 yards before being replaced by Derrick Henry or bumble his way to 750 yards and be replaced by retirement.
But whatever. You took a flier. So who else is running for you? Lagarrette Blount and Alfred Morris. You have a guy who might start some games at some point in time for the Patriots maybe and a guy who stopped being worth a roster spot two years before he left the fucking Redskins. Darren McFadden is currently on a 6 week PUP- they didn't just cut him. This means that at some point, the Cowboys office said “Yeah, we should probably keep Darren ‘My bones are made of doritos’ McFadden around; who knows what will happen with that Alfred Morris guy?”
Jesus, between all of that and your tight end combo of Julius Thomas and Jimmy Graham, your entire team is a case study in what happens when players start sucking when they move to different teams. Did you do this on purpose? Was your draft intended to start a meta-discussion on the ethics of trading players? WHY DID YOU DO THIS?
I don’t even know what to say about this one. Adrian Peterson is the only player on the Vikings offense, so unless he, like, switches uniforms with somebody, there really isn’t anybody else opposing defenses have to worry about. All you need to get a return on investment from your first round pick is for a 32 year old RB to score 12 TDS, run for 1300 yards in an NFL that knows he’s the only offensive weapon, all without getting injured. That's totally gonna happen, buddy!
Somebody named Dak will be throwing passes to somebody named Dez and I can’t wait to hear whatever shitty turn of phrase Cris Collinsworth or Phil Simms comes up with. “That’s the Dez Dak-Attack, JEEM!” Fuck you in advance for that.
As soon as DeMarco got out from behind the Dallas offensive line, he ran for half as many touchdowns and 1/3 as many yards. He’s since been shipped to Tennessee for all of the money, where he will bumble his way to 500 yards before being replaced by Derrick Henry or bumble his way to 750 yards and be replaced by retirement.
But whatever. You took a flier. So who else is running for you? Lagarrette Blount and Alfred Morris. You have a guy who might start some games at some point in time for the Patriots maybe and a guy who stopped being worth a roster spot two years before he left the fucking Redskins. Darren McFadden is currently on a 6 week PUP- they didn't just cut him. This means that at some point, the Cowboys office said “Yeah, we should probably keep Darren ‘My bones are made of doritos’ McFadden around; who knows what will happen with that Alfred Morris guy?”
Jesus, between all of that and your tight end combo of Julius Thomas and Jimmy Graham, your entire team is a case study in what happens when players start sucking when they move to different teams. Did you do this on purpose? Was your draft intended to start a meta-discussion on the ethics of trading players? WHY DID YOU DO THIS?
You
also drafted Doug Baldwin and Terrence Williams, but who gives a
shit.
In
conclusion, your team is, uh, going to do, uh, just great! Yeah,
really! You’ll be fine!
Alex:
Eddie Lacy
Alex:
Eddie Lacy
Aaron Rodgers
Sammy Watkins
Jonathan Stewart
Jeremy Maclin
Ryan Mathews
Josh Gordon
Travis Kelce
Carolina
Torrey Smith
Tyler Irvin
Andy Dalton
Maretellus Bennett
Steve Hauschka
Darren McFadden
Dorial Green-Beckham
Eddy Lacy needs to figure this shit out. Are you going to be a mediocre fat RB, or a mediocre not-fat RB, Eddy? The world needs to know.
I’m genuinely glad you got Aaron Rodgers, Sammy Watkins, and Jonathan Stewart (until he gets hurt) because just about everything else you fished in will break your heart. Jeremy Maclin caught like four passes last year, and like three the year before that. Ryan Mathews’s best year was 3 years ago, where he scored- wait for it- a whopping 6 TD’s (where he played for a team much better than the fucking Eagles.)
The best case with Josh Gordon is he stops smoking weed (ha), doesn’t catch any more suspensions (HA) and comes back ready to catch TD passes from the explosive offensive force that is Robert Griffin III (BWAHAHA). I’d be stoned all the time too.
You drafted Kelce? It’s either going to be him or Maclin, man. Alex Smith isn’t going to let both of them be successful.
You drafted Torrey Smith. I’m sure you know what this means. Bench him and then bet on the 49ers. Justin will thank you.
You also drafted Martellus Bennett, who plays across from Rob Gronkowski. I’m surprised you didn’t draft Brett Hundley.
Eddy Lacy needs to figure this shit out. Are you going to be a mediocre fat RB, or a mediocre not-fat RB, Eddy? The world needs to know.
I’m genuinely glad you got Aaron Rodgers, Sammy Watkins, and Jonathan Stewart (until he gets hurt) because just about everything else you fished in will break your heart. Jeremy Maclin caught like four passes last year, and like three the year before that. Ryan Mathews’s best year was 3 years ago, where he scored- wait for it- a whopping 6 TD’s (where he played for a team much better than the fucking Eagles.)
The best case with Josh Gordon is he stops smoking weed (ha), doesn’t catch any more suspensions (HA) and comes back ready to catch TD passes from the explosive offensive force that is Robert Griffin III (BWAHAHA). I’d be stoned all the time too.
You drafted Kelce? It’s either going to be him or Maclin, man. Alex Smith isn’t going to let both of them be successful.
You drafted Torrey Smith. I’m sure you know what this means. Bench him and then bet on the 49ers. Justin will thank you.
You also drafted Martellus Bennett, who plays across from Rob Gronkowski. I’m surprised you didn’t draft Brett Hundley.
I
think it’s pretty cool you were able to draft Green Beckham, the #2
receiver in Philidelphia as your last pick, but if we’re being
honest, I think that says more about Philidelphia than it does about
you.
Also, fuck Darren McFadden. He’s currently out for 6 games
because of an elbow injury, and I hope that by the time his career is
over, all he’s left with is a perpetually stuck chicken wing that he can only open when it’s time to fumble a ball.
In conclusion, this team will do about as well as the Browns this year (although I suspect it might have more fans when it’s all said and done.)
Nick:
DeAndre Hopkins
In conclusion, this team will do about as well as the Browns this year (although I suspect it might have more fans when it’s all said and done.)
Nick:
DeAndre Hopkins
Rob Gronkowski
Latavius Murray
Andrew Luck
Danny Woodhead
Jarvis Landry
Marvin Jones
Ameer Abdullay
Antonio Gates
Corey Coleman
Kamar Aiken
Stephen Gostkowski
Mohammed Sanu
Ryan Tannehill
Christine Michael
Pittsburgh
You took a kicker in the 12th round. You needed another RB badly, you didn’t have a backup QB, and you had nothing but horseshit WR’s and you took a goddamn kicker. I mean, shit, you started strong. DeAndre Hopkins is a beast, Gronk is Gronk, and even if Latavius Murray takes a hit because DeAndre Washington’s going to get a few more snaps, you at least had something you could build on.
But
then it got weird. You went with Danny Woodhead, who would have been
a really solid choice if Melvin Gordon hadn’t spent the entire
preseason eating his fucking lunch. Then Jarvis Landry, who
statistically speaking got worse in his sophomore year. Then Marvin
Jones, who is so bad that they can’t actually figure out whether to
bench him or Golden Tate first over in Detroit. Then Ameer Abdullah,
because there’s never anything wrong with depending on the Detroit
Lions for fantasy success.
You also took a kicker in the 12th round.
You
did get the best TE in the entire history of the game of football.
That helps.
Ironically, you also got Antonio Gates, who can confirm that Gronk
is the best TE in the history of football, because Antonio Gates is
300 years old.
Kamar Aiken will give you one (1) touchdown. Probably on a week where you blow somebody out, and then that’s it. I predict you will be adding and dropping Kamar Aiken for the entirety of the year, because as soon as you drop him, he will show flashes of brilliance, and it turns out Corey Coleman is bad, even for a second string WR for the Browns.
Mohammed Sanu is a better QB than receiver, and the Bengals thought that Andy Dalton was a better QB than Mohammed Sanu. Do with that what you will.
Kamar Aiken will give you one (1) touchdown. Probably on a week where you blow somebody out, and then that’s it. I predict you will be adding and dropping Kamar Aiken for the entirety of the year, because as soon as you drop him, he will show flashes of brilliance, and it turns out Corey Coleman is bad, even for a second string WR for the Browns.
Mohammed Sanu is a better QB than receiver, and the Bengals thought that Andy Dalton was a better QB than Mohammed Sanu. Do with that what you will.
You’ll add Kamar, and he’ll choke, then you’ll drop Kamar, and he’ll score. And that will be the story of you.
You also took a kicker in the 12th round.
In conclusion, I don’t care if you win this league, or if you win every league ever, or if you become the greatest gambler in the history of the world- you took a kicker in the 12th round.
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