MAUDIE'S LEAGUE REVIEW IS BACK!

Wow. How long has it been? 4 weeks? Holy shit.

Now, I know what you’re thinking: “Sam, you gigantic, sexy, hairy pile of man meat, where the fuck have you been? Did you forget that you were the commissioner of a fantasy football league? You promised us updates! WHERE ARE OUR UPDATES, YOU GORGEOUS BULBOUS MAMMAL/HOUSE HYBRID?”

Well, OK. Here are my reasons.

1. I’m lazy.

2. ACL kicked my ass.

3. School shit.

4. I lost twice, and my ego is having a hard time recovering.

But I’m back, bitches!

However, before we get started about the thing you’re actually trying to read about, there’s something I need to talk about. This is completely off topic, so if you want to skip this part you can hit ctrl+f and type AND NOW THE PART ABOUT FOOTBALL and read it and then hopefully go about your fun and care-free lifestyles. Those of you with absolutely nothing better to do, follow me on this upcoming path of rage and hatred.

A little background: I am unreasonably in love with a show on adult swim called Rick and Morty. (All episodes available on adultswim.com. Go watch them. Now.) What I can do, thanks to the miracle of technology, though, is watch them on my phone, from wherever I please. Awesome, right?

Oh god, so wrong. So very wrong. The cosmic karmic payback I receive for being addicted to a show on my phone is something no man should have to bear. I’m subjected to this monstrosity, most of the time twice in a row, while I’m just trying to watch my goddamn cartoons. My hatred of it knows no bounds- it transcends different dimensions and flows through space and time. The fabric of my being is being torn apart from the fury I've felt since I was exposed to this horrible thing, this spawn of all that is wrong and unclean and terrible.

I should probably tell you now that this thing is a KFC commercial.

I want to show you the thing that I currently hate most in the world. I don’t suggest you watch it more than once.



It started off as an annoyance. When I first saw it, all I thought was, “Well, the main fat guy in front eating KFC is a shitty actor, and kind of a prick”, but that was all. But then I started thinking about it. Like, really thinking about it. That was my mistake.

Because something hit me, and the more I consider it, the truer it becomes: Literally everything in this commercial is awful.

For your consideration- look at this guy eating the chicken. He doesn't have a name in this commercial, but I’m sure he’s the second coming of Beelzebub. I’m just going to call him the Asshole. Were he not so goddamned unbearable, the Asshole would make an interesting case study, as literally every single thing the Asshole says or does gives me this unholy urge to punch him in the face. From the shit eating, clearly forced HOLY SHIT THIS IS THE BEST THING I'VE EVER EATEN grin that the Asshole makes every time he takes a bite of his chicken strips, to the fact that he’s laughing at his friends’ (?) lunch, to “LOOKS LIKE A LOT OF BREAD LOL ZOMG”, to the shitty, snippy way he says “no chips no drink?”, to the way he keeps looking back at the camera, for literally NO REASON, to the idiotic “apology” at the end of the commercial.

I hate all of it. I wish harm on this man. I can’t help it. When I watch it, every time he gnaws off another chunk of chicken I hope that just this one time, he chokes, and that this other guy has to give him the Heimlich maneuver, only that guy fails, and somehow they both die. Does this make me a horrible person? Probably. Again, I can’t help it.

I feel this mixture of hatred and pity for the other guy. Clearly, this guy isn't KEWL because he’s only got A SANDWICH and wears GLASSES. I’m just going to call this guy Dumpy. Dumpy has a wrinkled shirt, stubble (NOT A FULL, MANLY, ASSHOLE BEARD) and apparently isn't employed, because buying chips and a goddamned drink was apparently completely out of the question. This is where it gets sad: He doesn't say he didn't want them. He said he didn't get them because they were EXTRA. He couldn't fucking afford them, and what does the Asshole do? He laughs. And Dumpy fucking takes it. The Asshole laughs at Dumpy for his misfortune, and all Dumpy does is sit there and take it. He doesn't even eat the sandwich. It’s like he can’t. I swear to God the guy looks like he’s about to start crying.

I’m in a crowded computer lab and I’m yelling at a computer monitor while I’m watching this. I can’t help myself.

“It’s OK, Dumpy! You don’t have to eat chips, or have a drink, or listen to this twat as he slobbers and drools over bits of fried horse! Eat your sandwich, get rid of that wrinkled, ugly-ass shirt, find a job, and move on from this horrible man who judges you while he might be literally eating shit! You deserve a better life, Dumpy! BELIEVE IN YOURSELF, DUMPY! EYE OF THE FUCKING TIGER!”

I’m surrounded by the other computer science nerds. All of them know me, and none of them look the slightest bit surprised that I’m screaming at a computer. That says something, I think. Back to Dumpy.

Of course, Dumpy doesn’t do anything. He stares, angrily, clearly welling up with tears and spittle, and is forced to be jealous of THE ASSHOLE WHO IS EATING KFC. Imagine arriving at a point in your life where you are actually jealous of a one of your friends because he’s eating something that KFC claims to be chicken. Now imagine this man laughing at you. “Looks like a lot of bread! AT LEAST YOU GOT A FOOT OF IT LOL ZOMG!”

Imagine that man saying “Sorry!” when you both know he doesn't mean it. And then him actually confirming this. Imagine that guy laughing at you and then feigning sympathy just to be an even bigger jackass, all while eating something he knows you can’t afford.

I imagine 8 out of 10 people would kill this man. Of course, Dumpy can’t, because he’s sad, and hungry, and it would probably look bad since he’s right in the middle of…

Wait, where are they? There are computer monitors under… cinder blocks? I don’t see any computers besides the laptop in the back- is there another guy back there? Is he one of their co-workers? Why is he just listlessly shuffling around? What the fuck is going on here?

I’m trying to understand this particular situation:

Do these two guys work together in this shitty office, with just one other guy who does nothing except stand up out of his chair, walk two fucking feet, turn around and sit down? And does nothing whenever Dumpy gets picked on by the Asshole?

Are these guys in some sort of makeshift lunchroom? I guess that they both work in an office with a bunch of monitors, and only one computer that’s occupied by one sad, silent office worker? Is this the entirety of their office? Does this Asshole really have the right to judge Dumpy when they both work in this shithole?

Is this actually a successful office in which they are both employed, but aren't paid enough to buy a clothes iron or anything else that costs more than a five dollar foot long?

Am I wrong about Dumpy? Is he just a cheap dick who sends his friend’s cards with 5 dollar gift cards to KFC for their birthday? DO I NOW HAVE TO ROOT FOR THE WIDE EYED, SARCASTIC ASSHOLE? FUCK YOU DUMPY!

These are all horrible scenarios. Actually, every conceivable scenario is horrible. I challenge you to think of a situation in which any of this is OK.

Back to the Asshole… Why does he keep looking at me, and not Dumpy?

Does the asshole know he’s being filmed, and is looking back at the camera to further embarrass Dumpy? Or am I supposed to be just standing there, mute and paralyzed, unable to slam the Assholes head into his shitty food box, so that poor Dumpy can just eat his goddamned sandwich peacefully? Or is there no camera, no entity, and the Asshole is just looking away from Dumpy, except when he turns around to say his next shitty, patronizing, douchebag comment? The Asshole is shoveling shit on this guy’s life, and he can’t even fucking look at him while he’s doing it?

Somebody engineered this ad. That person is an agent of Satan. Creating this commercial involved the sacrifice of a goat and gallons of human blood. It’s that evil. If you want to kill this commercial, you would need the fucking pope.

I’ve lost faith in life from this. It haunts me. I had a nightmare last night- it was only blackness, except for the repeating, jagged sound of “no chips, no drink?...”

Fuck you, KFC. Fuck you in the neck with a toilet scrubber.

AND NOW THE PART ABOUT FOOTBALL.

Ain’t nobody got time for all of the league’s match-ups, so let’s just do a rundown by team, yeah?

From 1st to last:

Natural Born Millers: Sigh… alright. Let’s get this over with. So far, I’m either lucky as hell, or I’m absolutely, without a doubt, the worst luck for anybody else. People have scored an average of 84 points against me. Aside from Antonio Brown, I don’t have any consistent performers. My flex situation is fucked, and I think Rashad Jennings died about 5 weeks ago. I’m lucky. That’s it. OK?

Loss of the Season: Both of mine were awesome. Against the McCluster Fux, I was getting destroyed before I got out of bed (thanks, London) and against Brandon I lost by 2 fucking points. I don’t know why, but I see dark, dark days ahead for the Natural Born Millers.

Win of the season: Against Jerrywittentouchedme I had five players on a bye week, and still overcame. It sucks for the rest of the league that I can basically draft the Philadelphia Eagles and good things happen to me. Fuck the Eagles.

Next week: Got me some Luke. So Shelby A and I have been arguing pretty much since the football season started about the efficacy of Yahoo’s fantasy football vs ESPN, etc., and one thing I think we both agree on is that pretty much every point prediction for players is completely wrong. Russell Wilson is only going to put up 15 against the fucking Raiders? Yeah, OK. Yahoo currently has Robbie Gould projected to score 5.18, and it’s Chicago’s bye week. If I can get a defense, I feel good about this one.

Justin’s Team: For fuck’s sake, man. It’s week 9 and your team name is still “Justin’s Team?” Get it together bud. I’m formally declaring that if you haven’t changed your team name by this time next week, I’m doing it for you. (Same with Luke and Bobby.) Moving on. You know, for a guy who drafted Adrian Peterson, your team is actually turning out ok. I guess there’s something to be said for a guy who takes the time to hand-write his fantasy football notes.

Loss of the Season: This week, to Breesus Christ. You know that Jerry Jones was on site through Romo’s X-rays and medical checks during the Redskins game? He basically told the doctor to shoot him up with painkillers and then told Jason Garrett (aka pissboy) to get him the fuck back out there. Justin, Jerry Jones almost killed his quarterback and it was almost to your benefit. I, uh, I actually don’t have anything else for that one.

Win of the Season: Against Lara, you started Antone Smith over Jeremy Hill. And you won. Possibly because Le’Veon bell is a goddamn beast.

Next Week: Uh oh. Brian quick is hurt, Randall Cobb’s on a bye, and B$ is on a killing spree. Good luck buddy!





Mendanhally Resharded: Somebody’s been on the waiver wire. Justin Forsett, Branden Oliver, Josh Gordon and Andre Holmes were all solid pick-ups. Some savvy shit, right there. How do you think Gordon’s going to do when if he comes back? My guess is he gets re-suspended for two games.

Also, I like the Matt Prater pick up. He’s definitely in my top 10 of alcoholic kickers. I figured he would replace the alcoholic kicker in Oakland, but then I remembered that they are the Raiders, and aren’t allowed to do anything that makes any fucking sense.

Loss of the Season: The absolute worst part about fantasy football isn’t getting completely destroyed by an opponent, as much as that sucks. The worst part is getting beat because you tried to play smart and it came back to kick you in the ass. See week 6: You could have won that game, if you had started Eddie Royal over Emmanuel Sanders. You could have won if you hadn’t started a badass Cincinnati defense over the team that was playing the best offense in the league. All you did was play in a way that made sense and the football gods pissed in your face. Fuck fantasy.

Win of the Season: Jesus. If you had switched out two players you would have scored 160 points last week.

Next Week: Justin is in bye week hell, and everyone seems to be on a roll on your fantasy team. Which means, of course, that Justin will beat you by 50 points.





The McCluster Fux: By drafting a couple of over-achievers and picking up some nasty waiver wire players, you have suddenly vaulted yourself into 4th place. Nice work. See, this is why fantasy blows: I’m ecstatic that Ronnie Hillman is playing amazingly, and now I hate myself for feeling upset that it means Montee Ball is now completely useless. Great. Don’t worry though, I’m sure the Broncos will trade him just in time for him to turn into superman and wreck everyone’s shit in the NFC north or wherever.

Loss of the Season: You’ve only had one loss since my, uh, sabbatical. Quick: Guess who was playing quarterback on Shelby R’s team. I’ll give you a hint: ELI FUCKING MANNING. I’m convinced that Eli isn’t stupid. I think he’s just breathtakingly cruel to his fan base.

Win of the Season: You have been blowing out teams, mine included, whenever your team isn’t prominently featuring the New York Giants. Also, how is every game you play either a blowout on one or the other side?

Next Week: You and Coco have everyone on bye weeks, and not anyone to replace them. Who knows what will happen?









OnceWittenTwiceShy: Coco, I love you, and I have to tell you this: I have James Jones in another league. He’s a good receiver, and he’s got a quarterback who 1. plays for the Raiders and 2. Might not suck entirely. I don’t know how to process this information, except to remember that the last time thiswas the case was when I was high school. I digress. The point is that I have Jones in another league and I’m not putting up shit. This isn’t because I’ve drafted bad players, but because James Jones, as a raider, has the effect of ruining other players fantasy points. I can guarantee you that the reason certain players have better years than others is because the majority of the fantasy teams on which they were drafted contained players from the Raiders. I would bet all of the money I have that there’s a trend.

Anyway.

Loss of the Season: So you and I, so far, are the only people to lose by less than three points. I feel I speak for both of us when I say that fucking blows. And I can see why it happened. You made a judgement call that Alfred Morris and Jamaal Charles would be a better option than Jamaal Charles and Andre Johnson. It’s the choice between playing a great runningback who doesn’t have a quarterback vs. a great receiver who doesn’t have a quarterback. You made the smart play, and you got fucked over, and I’m sorry.

Win of the Season: Of course, three weeks later, you beat Bailee by 3 points. I take back all of the sympathy. Not cool, bro.

Next week: See above





Breesus Christ: Since I’ve had some input on most if not all of the fantasy football decisions you’ve made, I can’t really tell you anything without it being some sort of reflection on myself. So I’m just going to cut straight to the core of what happened, and talk about the things I recommended on your team that ended up sucking: Jordan Cameron, Jordan Cameron, and Jordan Cameron. That guy either plays like shit or doesn’t play at all. My bad. I’ll take the heat on that one. Also I basically decided I was going to tell everyone and their mom that Cordarelle patterson was going to be the undisputed truth in his second season. I figured, solid stats last year+second year WR on a rebuilding team+nobody knows how to pronounce his goddamn name == winner. That, uh, didn’t work out well. I kinda forgot that Matt Cassell was his quarterback. Should have seen that coming.

Loss of the Season: So when you played Brandon, you guys put up something like a combined 99 points. I feel like you both lost in that game.

Win of the Season: I’d like to thank you for beating Justin’s team Justin’s Team. Good win against a good team, and this decision has nothing to do with the fact that because you beat him I am still in first place.

Next Week: Battle of the Brees teams. You two get your bye week shit figured out, then we’ll see which Brees blows better.


The Brees Knees: So you’re either going to score more than 120 or fewer than 75, like, every single game. What’s weird about this is that your team’s score is directly affected by whether or not the saints are playing in the dome. Except when the Saints played the Browns, whenever Drew Brees wasn’t playing in the superdome, you lost. If you lose when Brees loses, I think you should change your team name to something involving Charlie Sheen.
Loss of the Season: Week 6. That is all.

Win of the Season: Week 5. Saints play the Bucs at home, and then don’t play at all the next week. It’s almost eerie.

Next Week: Your best receiver and your best runningback are on a bye, and Brees is playing at Carolina. This… may not be your week.





JerryWittenTouchedMe: So you have the streakiest team that has ever streaked across the streaking station. You put up 178 points in one week, and literally cut your score in half the next week. What the whole, entire fuck? I don’t know how you’re only 3-5, because your team is awesome. My guess is that you have both Philip rivers and Jay Cutler, the second and first most punchable faces in the NFL. Did you know that I enjoy making up rumors about Phil Rivers? I’ve been doing it ever since he got caught with that transvestite in Taiwan.

Loss of the Season: Holy shit did you really only lose by .6 points? What did you do in a past life?

Win of the Season: One Hundred and Seventy-Eight points. Holy shit-snacks.

Next week: Forte and Cutler and your defense on a bye? Like Mother Theresa once said: “Son, you might be fucked.”




WeedenStartTheFire: I don't get this one, like, at all. How can a team named after the second best quarterback in Dallas only go 3-5? Your team is so good on paper. You have a top 5 QB, a top 5 TE, a top 5 WR and a top 1 RB, and you keep getting edged out. How does somebody have Demarco, Rodgers and Keenan Allen and you're in 9th? This fantasy football shit is just weird. Also, I have to say this: whenever I see your team name, I can only read it in the same way you sing off key to that shitty Billy Joel song. Thanks a lot for that. Really.

Loss of the Season: Last week, you would have won had you sat Aaron Rodgers and started your backup QB. You seem to have this syndrome where you draft players who will go ape-fuck while sitting on the bench and then NEVER do it again. Sorry, love. If it's any consolation, I think that...

sorry. Zoned out. Had Billy Joel stuck in my head. THANKS AGAIN FOR THAT. REALLY.

Win of the Season: Week four, Broncos bye week. You can't play orange Julius, so you're left playing what Yahoo calls the “Slow-Footed” Larry Donnell. 32 points later...

Next Week: You're a 91 percent favorite, but Nate hasn't switched out his players on byes. So, no fucking idea bro.

Luke Kiely's Team: I swear to god I'm going to start changing people's names. I know it's your team, Luke. Unless you haven't thought of a team name yet. Here, I got one- Kylie-to's Way. Boom. That's what your team name will be in a week. Gotta be better than the name you have now. Let's just look at the bottom three teams, OK? Two don't even have team names, and one is a Frankenstein of a girl's name and RG3. Coincidence? Probably. Whatever. That's your new team name. You’re welcome.

Loss of the Season: So when you played Scarlet, you lost 68 to 75. Both of you had people who were injured, or on bye, and I'm pretty sure you and Scar aren't even reading this anyway, so I'll just say that we miss you. Come back to us, Kiely-to's Way and ScarG3. We aren't complete without you.

Win of the Season: Calvin Johnson didn't even play in week 6 and you still won by 36. The Madden Curse lives?

Next Week:  ME, BABY, ME.  Get some.



Bobby's Boss Team: OK, so this one I'm not actually sure about. The name “Bobby's team” kinda sucks. “Bobby's Boss Team”, however, is actually ok-sounding. I don't know what it is. It's kinda like the guitarist for U2, aka The Edge. It's one of those things that's so lame it's almost cool. I imagine your team rocking a goatee and a Gibson Xplorer and a beanie while playing something that's like music, only so, so much worse. Seriously, U2 has jumped the shark and landed in the land of cheese balls. (No, I don't know what that means. This fucking re-cap is almost 3500 words long. Cut me some slack.)

Loss of the Season: It's always fun to lose by twice your score, but looking back at week five, I think I know what happened. Yahoo predicted you would lose by 1/5 of a point, and instead... well, you could have started anyone and lost. I know that feeling well, the Edge. I know that feeling well.

Win of the Season: You have won a single game since the last one of these I've written. So let's go with that one.




ScarG3: I, uh, I don't even think Scarlet's even playing anymore. Frankly, I don't blame her. Fantasy football is a horrible, evil bitch with literally no redeeming qualities. The only way to win the game is not to play. Instead of writing something about this team, I'm going to say that your best win was to stop playing. If, however, on the off chance you are still playing the game, just know that it's never too late to come back.

I leave you with this:

Week 3 round-up!

Week 3 bitches!

So, how's everyone doing? Good? Great.

First things first: Before we get to the bullshit, some administrative information I have to give you as your fearless commissioner:

I am in first place, and all of you can suck it.

OK, all formalities aside, let's see how the week went!

Sam vs. Shelby Allen, or: Why you shouldn't be allowed to gloat when your opponent only puts up 60 points.

Sam's best: Nate, I feel like I owe you a drink. Did you drop Nick Foles on purpose? Look, I know the guy wasn't putting up numbers like he was last season, but who did you think would play better? Wait, let me check... JAY CUTLER? SERIOUSLY? Christ... Anyway, Foles rocked it and Antonio Brown is still (figuratively) kicking people in the face. God dammit I love that guy.

Sam's worst: I got a combine 5 ½ points out of LeSean McCoy and Montee Ball, and still won. Arizona's D did exactly jack shit. And yet, victory. Why, you're probably not asking? Well...

Shelby's best: Uh... yeah... Did I mention 50 points?

Shelby's worst: Basically your team. It's a shit week when you could have played it as perfect as it gets and still would have lost. Bernard Pierce sucks. Eddy Lacy sucks (somehow.) And don't get me started on Phil Dawson. That guy is a shame to kickers everywhere (who are a shame to football. If it's a penalty to tackle you, I feel like you shouldn't get to wear the same uniform as everyone else. Fuck Phil Dawson. Give him a bright yellow jersey like a soccer goalie.)

Coco vs. Lara: Battle of the Cowboy puns goes to the Coco.

Coco's best: Andrew Lucking Fuck. That ogre-looking motherfucker can play his ass off. I think Ryan Fitz grew a beard to try and score some Luck magic, only it back-fired because Fitzpatrick still resembles a human being, even with the logger look. 30 points is awesome. Also, Fred Jackson is a beast. It's often you'll get 20+ points from somebody who can collect social security.

Coco's worst: Poor, poor Andre Johnson. I feel like Andre, Larry Fitz and Jamaal Charles should all be on a team that doesn't suck, at least for like a game. Just give them a taste of glory, instead of the mediocrity they've probably gotten used to at this point. 4 points from the best wide reciever of 2011. Gross. Buffalo's defense blows and I'm pretty sure you broke Kyle Rudolph. Also, you and I both decided to play James Jones in the week he remembered that he played for the fucking Raiders.

Lara's best: Knile Davis is a goddamn machine. He might end up with Jamaal Charles's job before the end of the season, and I might actually cry. Besides that? Demarco Murray is about all anyone can trust out of Dallas right now, and... the Raider's kicker? Oh lord...

Lara's worst: It just reads down from the top. Rodgers- 8 ½ instead of 14. Kendall Wright- 6.9 instead of 8. Keenan Allen- he was supposed to get 10, and I think he just stood around making fart noises instead. I don't know, I didn't see the game- I was too busy making up rumors about Philip Rivers. (He's actually a neo-Nazi.)

Brandon vs. Scarlett: It's all about Emmanuel Sanders, Brandon takes it down.

Brandon's best: I love me some Emmanuel Sanders. I don't care who you are- if you embarrass Richard Sherman, you're fucking alright. The fact that he plays for my team is a cherry on the DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT ME!

Also, Brandon, what's the over under on how many times you scream out “You're my boy (Alfred) Blue!” this season? I've got the over at 3 ½.

Brandon's worst: Consistent performance all around, sir. Jimmy Graham didn't do the Jimmy Graham thing, but good call playing Cincinnatti's D to score you 12 points instead of the Hawks. You have no idea how much shit I would give you if you lost the game because you played the Seahawks against the Broncos.

Scarlett's best: Kirk Cousins and Crabtree. Definitely filing that under “things I didn't think I would type this season.” Kudos on picking up Cousins- the guy played like a fucking monster last week, and Crabtree hasn't just recovered from his injury, he's kicked it in the balls and insulted its mother. Yeah, I'm not great at analogies tonight. Sue me.

Scarlett's worst: Joique Bell and Brandon Marshall? Jesus, does your team play in opposite world? I kid. Not even Brandon Marshall can have a beast week every week. Although asking him to score more than a point isn't a huge concession, right? LOOKING AT YOU, CUTLER.

Justin vs. Luke: Victory goes to the guy with the hand-written draft notes, probably because he actually filled his roster.

Justin's best: In one of my other leagues, somebody picked up Martellus Bennett in the 4^th round, and I gave him shit for 3 hours straight. This is God telling me to shut my fucking mouth, because he's having a career year, and I'm basically sitting with my dick in my hand in that league. Also-Pierre Garcon got 11 passes. Last week, Kirk Cousins doesn't even look at the guy, and this week he turns him into fucking Megatron.

Justin's worst: Randall Cobb and the Browns. Doesn't that sound like some kind of racist cover band that plays weddings in the south somewhere?

Luke's best/worst: Dude, I don't know anymore. Arian Foster is fucked, Frank Gore is fucked, Cam Newton was fucked before he hurt himself, and now he's double fucked. If it wasn't for Dez Bryant and Chicago's D you would have been out-scored by Shelby.

Bailee vs. Shelby Rabb: Julio Jones is half man, half tank.

Bailee's best: So here's the thing about Julio: It turns out that he's really, really good. He's also really, reaaaaally good against teams that suck, such as the Bucs. The fucking falcons scored 56 points in that game, or to put it another way, they had enough offense to somehow drag Steven Jackson across his 11 point projected score. And Colston is still alive! I think that was his first touchdown in 4 years.

Bailee's worst: Mason Crosby. The packers suck this year, but the sad part is we all know that those fucks will somehow figure out how to get to the post-season just in time to get steam-rolled by the Niners. Carolina's defense, projected to be the 2^nd ranked in the league, let the Steelers put up 37 points, which might be as much as they'd scored all season.

Shelby's best: Let's see... uh... Pierre Thomas gave you 12! [slow clap]...

Shelby's worst: LITERALLY everyone else.  Since he scored 2 points, I imagine we'll see Matt Stafford eat his feelings and show up looking like he ate the sun next week. Was Reggie Bush the only guy playing for the Lions last week? Your score is hard to look at. It makes me sad.

Bobby vs. Nate: Insert clever match-up header here.

Bobby's best: Fucking Marshawn Lynch is amazing. It would have been ok if THAT had been the superbowl instead of the clusterfuck I got to watch and then promptly try to drink enough to forget about. DeAndre Hopkins is actually turning into a football player (did anybody see the catch that got called back? JESUS.)

Bobby's worst: Tom Brady is slowly but surely turning to suck. My guess is it's a year or so before he pulls a Brett Favre, except he's going to start for the bills, then head to Miami and then send somebody a dick pick. Also, San Francisco got lit up by Arizona's backup QB. I don't think anybody saw that coming.  Jim Harbaugh might have a goddamn aneurysm this season.

Nate's best: Even though Philip Rivers has been convicted twice of sex with animals and has a side-gig as a creepy birthday clown, the guy can throw a goddamn football. Zac Stacy is coming around- just don't depend on him in the post-season, as he'll channel Aaron Rodgers and fuck everything up.

Nate's worst: You know, it always seems to go down like this. Larry Fitz plays against a great team that covers him, and ONLY him, and then they lose because they make the common mistake of forgetting there's actually more people than Larry on the Cardinals team. 3 points? Gross. Somehow both you and Bobby lost points in that game.

That's it.

Later!

round up week 2

Sup fools?
Sorry this one's coming late. So much to talk about! Injuries! Child abuse! Elevator Fights! Richard Sherman getting schooled by Keenan Allen and then called out afterward! (THE FIRST RULE OF RICHARD SHERMAN IS: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT RICHARD SHERMAN. THE SECOND RULE OF RICHARD SHERMAN IS: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT RICHARD SHERMAN!)

Two quick things before we get into some shit-

1. The reason this is late is that I worked all fucking week on a program I didn't even finish.
2. It has only just now occurred to me that this site is maudiesLEAUGE.blogspot. Now, that may look like I don't know how to spell at a fourth grade level, but I'm going to say that it was a great show of foresight, because now I don't think Joe Draker can accuse me of trademark infringement.

Alright, here we go. We're counting Ray Rice/AP jokes. I'm going for 9.

Sam vs. Larax: Sam inexplicably pulls a win out of his ass.

Sam's best: And my player that out-scored their projection by the most this week was... Arizona's D. When I wrote that sentence, a whoopee cushion went off in my head. I definitely didn't deserve this one. Shady did some stuff (although still went second fiddle to Darren Sproles, more on that later) and Wilson looked OK, I guess. Aside from that, nothing.

Sam's worst: Vincent Jackson is fucking killing me. I somehow thought that guy would be good. He's shat the bed two weeks in a row. I at least had the foresight to bench his ass, and good thing too- right now the Bucs are playing like they're unconscious in an elevator (that's one!) 56-0. Is he even playing?

Lara's best: Demarco Murray, Mark Ingram, and Aaron Rodgers. Holy. Fuck. Those three put up enough points to beat four teams in the league. How did you lose this game? Mark Ingram got hurt, and Torrey Smith decided to take the night off. How did that happen?

Lara's worst: Oh yeah, now I remember. What did I tell you after the draft? Anyone who puts the lazy, plodding sad-sack that is Chris Johnson on their fantasy team deserves what happens to them. You're better off letting AP babysit your kid (2.) Torrey Smith sucks, but let me know when you decide to bench him because that's when I bet on the Ravens and he scores 4 TD's.

Coco vs Bobby: I... just... I don't even know. Coco barely beat the guy who scored 50 points.

Coco's best: Buffalo's D. You have a serious problem when anyone from Buffalo is your knight in shining armor, let alone their defense. Aside from that... your bench, I guess? None of your players knocked somebody unconscious in an elevator? (3)

Coco's worst: Anyone who isn't Andrew Luck, Buffalo's defense, or a kicker. Everyone else sucked it up. Why in the shit did you start the fossilized remains of Fred Jackson at Miami, the best run defense in the league, instead of Alfred Morris, or frankly anyone else who was playing Jacksonville?

Bobby's worst: Bobby, I'm sorry, but there is nothing to put in the best category. Beast mode scored .3 points more than he was predicted to. That's it. You scored 4 million points last week, and then this week Coco only scores 80 points and still makes you pick out your switch. (4. There's no way I can keep this up... OR CAN I?)

Shelby Allen vs. Scarlett: Scarlett's receivers open cases of whoop ass, everyone gets injured.

Scarlett's best: Brandon Marshall was listed as “questionable” going into this game- I guess they meant like it was “questionable” as to whether or not he would score 25 or 50 points. Same with 

Crabtree- I guess since RG3 might have ended his career for the 5^th time the football gods showed mercy on everyone else on your roster.

Scarlett's worst: Oh, Robert. When he finally retires, he literally isn't going to have any legs left. It's time to play RG3 injury roulette! [Spins wheel]... and... Dislocated ankle! No timeline to return, although I'm sure he'll get out there 4 weeks before he's ready and straight up destroy a body part because Shanahan won't have the balls to bench him for the game that might have made them 4-12.Who would have thought that the team crudely named after the people who walked the Trail of Tears would have such shit luck?

Shelby's best: Here's a theory: I think whenever Brian Hartline goes crazy and scores 39 points some random game, I think it's actually Jordy Nelson in his jersey. All white football players look alike. Anyway, Jordy went crazy for 31 points, meaning most of the time, the Packers threw the ball, which means...

Shelby's worst: They didn't use Eddy Lacy much, probably because they don't need to risk the man going comatose before the packers disappoint their fans in the postseason. Or, considering that 8 of your 16 players are hurt, maybe you are just really, really good at breaking football players. Next time we do this, I'm going to buy you into a random fantasy league, and you draft nothing but Raiders and Seahawks.

Brandon vs. Luke: Brandon wins, but the real victory is that they both actually filled their rosters.

Brandon's best: Spoiler alert: Jimmy Graham is really, really good. So is Giovani Bernard, and to a lesser degree, so is Julian Edelman, or as I call him the poor man's Wes Welker.

Brandon's worst: Seahawks gave you a goose egg, Vereen gave you jack shit, and you had to realize you were kicking yourself in the cock when you started Shonn Greene over anybody. Here's hoping you start Asiata next week. Here's a weird fact: Brandon's running backs are back ups to a Bishop and a child abuser, and for once they're different people. (5)

Luke's best: I would have never guessed that the Cowboys would have come back that strong. Dez Bryant looked like he was playing for his life. Frank Gore, despite being 50 years old, is still a wrecking ball, Arian Foster played lights out, and for once, starting a fantasy player who starts for the Jets turned into a good move. Even Chicago played like crazy against the Niners, who were supposed to be the second coming this season.

Luke's worst: Luke, I want you to know this. Joe Flacco is an asshole when it comes to fantasy. Do you have Torrey Smith? He's going to throw to Dennis Pitta. Do you have Dennis Pitta? He's going to throw to Owen Daniels. Do you have Owen Daniels? He's handing it off to Ray Rice. Do you have Ray Rice? Because you should probably drop Ray Rice.(6)

Justin vs Shelby Rabb: Shelby benches Antonio Gates, sadness ensues.

Justin's best: Randall Cobb blew some shit up, along with Jeremy Hill and Martellus Bennett. This game was really close, but what's interesting to me is your benches. Shelby has Antonio Gates, so she should have lost because he went into crazy old man autopilot and pulled a Julius Thomas all over Seattle. Justin has Adrian Peterson on his bench, and should have lost because fuck Adrian Peterson. (7)

Justin's worst: I don't know why Kirk Cousins doesn't like Pierre Garcon- either he hates black people or the French. Either way, 1.2 points this week sucks donkey balls. Victor Cruz is still awesome, but Eli is only accurate up to five feet away from him, and even though it barely takes any time at all for Cruz to run 50 yards, it takes less time than that for the Giants O-line to fuck up and let little Manning Mouth Breather get his head ripped off.

Shelby's best: New England's D gave you 26 points, by far the most by anyone in this matchup. Seriously, where the hell did they come from? My guess is Bellichick heard that there might be a bigger bully than him in Minnesota and decided to shove leaves in EVERYONE's mouth. (8) Aside from that...

Shelby's worst: Everyone else kinda sucked. Sorry. I'm tired and I don't know how else to say it.

Nate vs. Bailee: Bailee gets to wear the fantasy pants in the house (and not in the sexy way... or is it?)

Bailee's best: So Darren Sproles is currently the number five runningback in fantasy football. Yes, you read that correctly. It doesn't sound right, does it? It's kinda like saying Roger Goodell is a competent league commissioner (8 ½?) Also, Julio Jones is a goddamn beast.

Bailee's worst: I wonder if Brees stopped throwing to Marques Colston because of the forward lateral he threw in the playoffs last year, or just because he's twice as slow and half as fast as Brandin Cooks. Either way, he gave you zilcho. Gronk sucked. Reggie Bush sucked, and Brees wasn't Brees, because it turns out that the quarterback needs to have some possession of the ball before he can score you points. Fucking Rob Ryan.

Nate's best: Dan Bailey. People don't give kickers no respect (me included) but that's awesome. Desean Jackson probably would have done better had he not broken his arm off, and Zac Stacy looks like he's starting to come around.

Nate's worst: If you had said to anybody “I'm going to bench Nick Foles and Matt Forte and put in Ahmad Bradshaw and Philip Rivers,” you would have been looked at like you have a dick growing out of your forehead. However, that would have given you the highest score of anyone in the league.

So that's about it. Final score: 8 ½ jokes.

Good enough.

Love you all.

Week 1 Round Up!

And just like that, week one is in the books.  Let’s see how it went!

Sam vs. Coco:  Sam wins because Andy Reid forgot he had Jamaal Charles.

Sam’s best:  Antonio Brown went on a fucking rampage.  I should have set the rules to give players 50 points if they kick any opposing player in the face (I still might.)  

Ertzwhile, Zach Ertz!

Sam’s worst:  Remember how I basically fellated Vincent Jackson in the last write-up?  He didn’t do shit.  He was thrown to 9 times, but Josh McCown channeled his inner Steve Urkel, so only 4 connections for 36 yards.  Also, I decided to pick up the kicker that was playing against the Broncos, so that when he missed that field goal I got to have some kind of weird existential crisis.

Coco’s best: Andrew Fucking Luck.  This always happens: just when I think that goddamn ogre is out of steam, he goes all “Eye of the Tiger” on the Broncos secondary in the second half.  Terrence Williams probably could have scored double what he did, but there was no way that Romo was going to let McCown get the worst quarterback award last week.  People say that Tony Romo isn’t clutch, but I argue the opposite- he’s the most clutch player in the game, it’s just that Jerry and Jason haven’t told him which team he’s supposed to throw to.  

Coco’s Worst:  If Andy Reid decides he’s just going to bench the best RB in the goddamn league, this might be a long season for Coco and I (I’ve got him in two other leagues.)  He got SEVEN carries.  Jesus.  Also, the Saints defense decided to make Matty Ice look like Peyton Manning, and gave Coco -1 points, which means that, technically, Matt Prater, Ray Rice, Tony Gonzales, and Rex Grossman all put up more points than the Saints D. 

Fucking Rob Ryan.

Larax vs. Scarlett:  Larax wins because Julius Thomas is a fucking monster.

Larax’s best:  Julius Thomas cock-slapped every single Colts defensive player on his way to getting 32(!!!) points.  Then, Chris Johnson got to look like Adrian Peterson for a minute because he was playing the Raiders, who are basically a lower-end Canadian Football League team at this point.  To be fair, a good start.  I’d probably put in another RB for when the Jets play a better team, such as Penn State, or Bowie High School.

Larax’s worst: What the hell happened to Aaron Rodgers?  The Seattle defense made his offensive line look like turnstiles, and made him look like one of the Carr brothers.  The Pack needs to get their shit together, or all Rodgers is going to be remembered for this season is the reunion of Hanz and Franz.  And the Jets defense somehow only scored 3 points against the Raiders.  Because the Jets.

Scarlett’s best:  Well, Matt Bryant got some action.  So… there’s that.  Denver got some things done against a rowdy ass offense.  So …there’s that too. Umm…..

Scarlett’s worst:  RG3 is now god-awful because he can’t run and can’t throw more than 20 feet with any accuracy.  Seriously- D-Jax, Pierre Garcon, Jordan Reed, and Alfred Morris.  With that offense, Scarlett could have scored more points than RGKnee.   Also, is Michael Crabtree hurt ALREADY?  

JESUS.  

Shelby Allen vs. Luke:  Shelby wins because Luke didn’t feel like playing a QB or defense.

Shelby’s best: Cordarrelle Patterson. Now I see why St. Louis is terrified of unarmed black men.  Second year wide outs are supposed to shine, but apparently they also turn into amazing RB’s too.  He’s like a 2010 Chris Johnson.  Carlos Hyde did more than pull his weight, and Philly’s defense helped them climb back from a 17 point deficit to beat… wait, the Jags?  Never mind.  You don’t get a trophy for scoring 9 points against Chad Henne.  Philadelphia can continue to fuck off.

Shelby’s worst:  Mostly injury related.  Eddy Lacy took a decent shot to the head that probably won’t impact his season, but will continue to fuel mine as well as everyone’s utter hatred of Seattle (but I bet he looks mean as shit in one of those Wes Welker helmets.)  Jordan Cameron is hurt to some unknown degree (seeing as he plays for the Browns, this is not surprising, since I’m pretty sure they don’t understand much about anything.)   Alshon has a hamstring injury, but he’ll be up and running soon.

Luke’s best:  I swear to god if Matt Stafford wasn’t throwing to Calvin Johnson, all anyone would talk about is how he always looks like just had his wisdom teeth removed.  Megatron single-handedly curb-stomped the Giants, and did it without celebrating excessively (take notes, Golden Tate, and also, shut the fuck up.)  Also, Dennis Pitta.  I feel like the guy should get double fantasy points because his name is Dennis.  Who’s scared of a guy named Dennis?  Probably St. Louis, because they’re best player is Tavon Austin, who is garbage.

Luke’s worst:  Didn’t play a quarterback, didn’t play a defense, and everyone else got half the points they were supposed to, and yet he only lost by 15.  Once Luke gets his hands on Fantasy Football for Dummies and learns how fantasy football works we’re all in deep shit, especially since Detroit is playing against JV secondaries all year.  Ben Tate’s knee has already called it quits (or maybe not.  The Browns probably don’t employ a doctor) so good luck leaning on Terrence West all year.

Brandon vs. Shelby Rabb:  Shelby wins because Matt Stafford goes ape-shit.

Shelby’s best:  I’ll admit it- for as much shit as I give that chipmunk lookalike, when Stafford is on, he’s fucking on.  30 points from a quarterback in this league is nothing short of badass.  Golden Tate caught some of those, and seeing as he’s now the number two in a pass first offense, he’s probably going to put up double digit games consistently.  If fantasy football scored points for every time somebody acted like an asshole, however, he’d score ten more points a game.  Greg Olsen, being the only person who can catch a pass in Carolina, did some work as well.

Shelby’s worst:  When you start Trent Richardson over RB who’s playing the Raiders, you deserve what happens to you.  Trent got 6 points, more than half of that from receptions, because Andrew Luck turns into a fucking warlock whenever his team gets down two touchdowns.  Chris Ivory rolled Oakland for 16 points.  Demaryius Thomas didn’t do a damn thing, because Peyton was only throwing to Orange Julius all night.  I wouldn’t expect 7 points from him very often.

Brandon’s best: A pretty consistent performance across the board.  Shane Vereen and Julian Edelman did pretty awesome, although they somehow got beat by the Dolphins.  Everyone else did exactly as expected.

Brandon’s worst:  Dude, what the fuck is up with you and your kickers?  You drafted one who isn’t playing, and dropped his ass for a kicker who… isn’t playing.  Are you and Luke just fucking with the rest of us? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON AROUND HERE? [smashes keyboard].

Justin vs. Nate: Justin wins the battle of the boring.

Justin’s best:  So Le’Veon Bell kicked ass.  It’s amazing what somebody can do in a professional sport when they aren’t completely baked.  Randall Cobb was basically the Packers offense on Thursday night, and Martellus Bennett actually decided to play football.  Crazy what that guy can do when he isn’t trying to catch ankle-level passes from Eli.  Speaking of which:

Justin’s worst:  Victor Cruz is New York’s Larry Fitzgerald.  He needs, no, he DESERVES, a quarterback who can help him light shit up.  People are saying that he was on his way to a rebound year, which isn’t true, because he’s awesome, but even if he was part Megatron, part Jerry Rice, and part Bruce Lee, he’d still need somebody to actually pass him the fucking ball, and THAT only happens when the Giants play the Patriots, for some reason. Fuck the Patriots for letting the worst Manning win the most Super Bowls.  

Nate’s best:  Matt Forte.  For some reason, it seems like he’s 40 years old, but that fucker puts up serious numbers.  And… that was the only guy who got more than he was projected.  Shit week, Nate.  Don’t worry though- Zac Stacy sucked the first few games last year, and Nick Foles should get his shit figured out.

Nate’s worst:  Larry Fitzgerald did roughly jack shit against the Chargers, but seeing how hard leaving Michael Floyd and Ted Ginn open bit their defense in the ass, I wouldn’t expect that to be a thing for long.  He’s the shit and other teams know it, but now they have to worry about some other guys, and he’s going to get more looks.  Also, I like how Nick Foles lost as many fumbles in one game against the fucking Jaguars as he did all of last year.  Because I am a hater.

Bailee vs. Bobby:  Bobby wins, outscores literally everybody.

Bobby’s best:  Just, fucking everyone.  Even his defense scored 18.  Three different players doubled their projections.  13 from Blair Walsh?  Almost 20 from VD?  25 from Beast Mode?  I’m going to blame luck and great scheduling, but this team still looks pretty fucking legit.

Bobby’s worst:  Brady.  If Tom Brady throws 55 passes, you’d expect him to put up 40 points, but instead, he throws one touchdown, 27 incompletions, gets sacked 4 times and fumbles twice.  The fact that this happened against Miami instead of, say, Seattle, makes me feel a little better about my odds to beat this team, but holy shit Bobby.

Bailee's best: Well, turns out I have to shut my goddamn mouth about Darren Sproles.  The guy catches passes, runs fast, and is too small to tackle by anyone in a Jaguars uniform.  Delanie Walker seems to be a comfort blanket for Jake Locker, and Carolina's D did what it was supposed to against the Bucs.

Bailee's worst: Let's all face it- Steven Jackson already has a foot in the grave.  Besides that, everyone seemed to come up just a buck short.  Although, considering who you were playing against, I guess it's OK for Brees, Julio, and Reggie Bush to get their shit games out of the way this week.

Pending trades: Nada.

Upcoming:

Sam vs. Larax:  Larax, I’m projected to beat you, but if we’ve learned anything from this week, it’s that projections don’t mean jack shit.  Defenses could be the deciding factor: one of us plays the Giants, one of us plays the Raiders.  Although, “play” doesn’t quite sound like the correct word.  Maybe “annihilate?”

Coco vs. Bobby:  We’ll find out if Andy Reid has truly lost his goddamn mind and sits JC down for a second straight game, and we’ll see if Bobby can put the same crazy ass numbers up next week.  I see the #2 WR slot and #2 RB slot being a huge game pivot here.

Scarlett vs. Shelby A:  So many questions here!  Will RG3 stop sucking? (No.)  Will Phil Dawson actually hit his field goals?  (No.)  Will Scarlett drop Johnny Manziel? (Hopefully.) Stay tuned!

Brandon vs. Luke: It’s the battle of the roster holes.  It looks like Luke’s got a defense in- will Brandon get a kicker?  This week, we might get to see what’s left of Cam Newton, and whether or not Dez will get thrown a ball that he can catch.  I bet Mike Evans blows up this week.  Call it a hunch.

Justin vs. Shelby R:  Justin is a pretty heavy favorite according to Yahoo, which means that Shelby R is probably going to wreck his shit.  However, if Miami’s RB’s were able to rip up the Patriots D, then I can’t wait to see what Adrian Peterson can do.  And the Titans D isn’t anywhere as good as the Niners, so maybe (MAYBE) Tony Romo does the thing where he throws for 600 yards in a game that doesn’t really matter.

Bailee vs. Nate:  The bad news:  Playing against your significant other in fantasy football is always a bitch when you lose.  The good news:  It’s so awesome to end every sports argument with “Oh, wait, didn’t I beat you in fantasy football? [drops mic.] ”  Larry Fitz has a comeback week.

Go Broncos!

-Sam, your benevolent-ish dictator.