Wow! So... a fantasy football write up.
I have missed these- you know you've got a lot going on when you go
undefeated for 7 games but are too busy to talk shit to your friends
about it. But I got some time this week! So like Christmas morning, I got done my double, sober and ready to pick out the songs I'm going to
force you poor fucks to listen to while I declare how awful your
teams have been, only to realize- this is all just so sad. 7 teams
have losing records. 4 teams have only 2 wins. This is awful.
Should I even do this? I know how
much you people drink already, and I feel like feeding you people any
more depression would make your livers preemptively mercy-kill
themselves.
I would have to be a heartless monster
to punch down on all of you, especially if said monster was
completely dominating the league he started, and hasn't exactly been
polite when he writes about what's happening.
I mean, fuck- that kind of person
would have to be one of the most heartless, emotionally vacant
jackasses that the world has ever produced. This coffin worm in
human form would probably start with the weakest teams, because he's
lazy and they would be the easiest targets, working his way to the
teams that are still weaker than his, but not hilariously so. He
would then probably spend too much time talking about how his team is
undefeated, and in the process, making even the most boisterous
Patriots fan look like Mr. Rogers with a severe case of self doubt.
No nice person would write 4500 words to tell their friends how much
they suck.
Let's get to work! I'm mostly looking
at match ups that have happened since the last time I did this,
because I'm tired and it's really hard to check ESPN scores through a
laptop, let alone a laptop with a broken M key. Sue me.
Alex- Points For: 595.5 Points
Against: 754.5
Your best win so far- Beat Rabb by 9
Your worst loss so far – Fuck it, pick one
Dude, what the fuck. I'm not even
sure how you pulled this off. I'm going back through your scores,
and the only thing even remotely appreciable about this team is this:
the one week that half your fucking team wasn't on a bye week, you
scored a whopping 62 points. Your week six ended with your team
having a lower score than Trump's IQ. My favorite part of your team
is the breathtaking performances of the Panthers defense, giving you
-1, 3, and -6. Jesus man- you should try your hand at fantasy golf.
But hey, you did have a strong outing
against Lara in week 5. This was led by strong performances from
Sammie Coates (who is now injured), Martellus Bennett (who is now
injured), and Terrance West (who... wait for it... is now injured.)
Did I say you should try fantasy golf? I meant fantasy Physical
Rehab nurses. This shit is fucked up, man. I now see why your
team's icon is a flask.
It isn't even looking good for you
down the line- as of this, you're currently starting the 31st
and 45th best RB's, the 34th and 52nd
WR's, and the 24th best defense (which seems high for the
Jets.) This league has 12 fucking teams- how do you have the 24th
best defense? If you add up the ranks of your players, you'd
probably surpass Malaysia's GDP.
Your last game was absolutely
heart-wrenching. You ended up with no remaining players and up 22
points at the end of the afternoon games. You ended up losing by 42
points, to me. My best player was in a game that ended in a 6-6 tie.
You better do something soon- you keep
this shit up and there won't be enough alcohol or therapy in the
world to make this right for you. You'll have to go be a soccer fan
or something. Get your shit together.
Scarlett- Points For: 612.5 Points
Against: 710.5
Your best win so far- Beat Brandon by
52
Your worst loss so far – Got popped, locked, and dropped by Lara by 44 points.
I'm assuming that since Team Oehlke is
still her team name (and second worse next to Nate's team name, which
I refuse to defile my new laptop with) she isn't actually reading
these, so I'm just going to talk to everyone else about her while she
isn't around. Welcome to the restaurant industry.
So let's be clear about this- none of you get to celebrate a victory against Scarlett. Her only
significant victory happened because of a rare alignment of the sun
and the stars that took place during a solar eclipse, and we have to
be careful with that shit, because it could mean the apocalypse.
Anytime Eli Manning actually looks like a quarterback, ODB does
something more interesting than get his ass beat by a kickers net,
and Jamaal Charles actually remembers how to runningback, it's not
out of line to wonder if it's the end of days.
Also, this definitely wasn't the best
opponent for her team to unleash the dogs of hell. When she
clobbered Brandon, he had an injured Dez, an injured Eric Decker, and
a hopefully soon to retire AP sitting on his bench because God
himself probably wanted to show Scarlett some mercy. The highest
scoring player on Brandon's team was Michael Thomas, who only scores
anything whenever Drew Brees's corpse gets reanimated and he throws a
touchdown to every single player on the Saints- Michael Thomas
probably caught as many passes as the towel boy did that day. Fuck,
even future washout Colby Fleener, who is constantly finding new and
interesting ways to fuck up fantasy teams everywhere, got more points
than Michael fucking Thomas.
Actually, now that I look at this,
Scarlett only seems to win whenever Colby Fleener scores fantasy
points, which is a fancier way of saying she is fucked. Whatever.
I'm sure Scarlett and her super cool team with the super awesome name
can totally turn this thing around and secure BWAHAHAHA I'm kidding
she's still fucked.
Nate- Points For: 626.5 Points
Against: 727
Your best win so far- Beat Alex by 43
Your worst loss so far – Show me on this doll where Rabb beat you by 50 points
First things first- you decided to name your team after Willie Snead (I think, because it doesn't actually make any sense, unless it's some kind of drunk inside joke I'm never going to get, in which case, fuck you.) How's he doing for you? Wow, he got you a 12.5 point game on your bench once? Definitely a solid move to franchise tag THAT guy. I hope you drop him, trade for Mason Crosby, pick up Kenny Stills and Darrel Young, and change your team's shit-awful name to Crosby, Stills and Young. This might seem like a waste of your time, but considering how your season's going, it could be the most interesting thing about your team by the time this is all over. I won't even give you shit for keeping the three exclamation points at the end, because it might still be the least terrible thing about this team.
The one loss you had (that wasn't you
getting blown the fuck out) was from one Bailee Boxwell- this one is
fun to look at. Even though you got an amazing game out of Antonio
Brown, and the best games of the season from Jordy Nelson and Darren
Sproles (remember when Bailee hit you because you drafted him before
she did? I do. That was fun) all of her players decided,
collectively, to become greater than the sum of their independent
parts. Christ, even Kyle “I suck, even by the standards of NFL
players named Kyle” Rudolph went into double digits, presumably
because nobody ever wants to lose to a team called [redacted].
Except, of course, Alex, who apparently wants to lose to everybody.
Question- you've started the Texans
defense almost every week, and they've done nothing but kick you in
the dick. You realize that you can pick up different players, right?
Wait, did you not know this? It's all starting to make sense. It's
why you have two kickers, it's why you refuse to drop the statistical
dumpster fire that is Willie Snead, and it's why you're still hanging
on to Steve Smith Sr, who is nursing an ankle injury and will
probably be a Viagra spokesperson by this time next year.
Fuck Willie Snead in his terrible hair
with Cole Beasley's entire body.
JD- Points For: 655.5 Points Against:
716.5
Your best win so far- Beat Leitner by
40.5
Your worst loss so far – Bailee re-routed your shit and handed you a 56.5 point loss.
It's pretty noteworthy that you've
consistently been wrong in answering who you should start between Ben
Roethlisberger and Matt Stafford. What this means is that,
mathematically speaking, Big Ben's well deserved injury has vastly
improved your decision making. That's a good sign, right? Now all we
need to do is get you to pick one of your two mediocre defenses and
one of your two mediocre TE's.
I was going to say we need you to
pick between your RB's, but don't worry- injuries are starting to do
that for you. Doug Martin is hurt, Devonta is hurt. Jay Ajayi is putting up beastly
numbers but is already suffering from cramps and oxygen loss. Who
would have thought that forcing one guy to run for over 200 yards
every Sunday in the middle of the South Florida sun would take a toll
on a guys body?
Now, I'm not saying that it wasn't a
good thing that you held on to DeVontae Booker, after he fumbled on
literally his first NFL carry and took his sweet time looking like
he'd get any better. But take it as a guy who knows- the Bronco's
fantasy RB situation has been a train wreck since Terrell Davis got
his knee blown out. Remember Knowshon Moreno? How about Ronnie
Hillman? How about Willis McGahee? Of course you don't, because
you're a human being. Fun fact- our all time best RB, fantasy
football wise, is Clinton Portis, who you may know as being a famous
RB for the Washington Football Team. Denver's RB's exist to do one
thing, and one thing only- they'll either break your heart, or
they'll get injured, and then drop-kick into suplex your heart.
And what the fuck is Jordan Matthew's
problem? This guy has an awesome rookie QB that he now has a chance
to bond with, but he's doing worse than when Sam Bradford and Mark
Sanchez were throwing passes to him. He should be like your other
terrible receiver Michael Floyd, who sucks, but sucks consistently,
and at no point after 2009 has given off any inclination that he
won't suck.
Here's a free piece of advice- don't
drop Chris Ivory, because as somebody who has repeatedly dropped
Chris Ivory only to see him go on to destroy the competition, I can
tell you this- he won't ever be good for you, but there's no point in
giving anyone that kind of advantage.
Shelby Allen- Points For: 684.5 Points
Against: 707.5
Your best win so far- Beat Nate by 49
Your worst loss so far – The whole school watched as Leitner gave you a wedgie- actually, as he gave you 31.5 wedgies
So I think I once heard you say that
you sometimes pick your team members by how attractive they are.
This would make sense, because odds are, they're going to fuck you
anyway.
Look, I'm trying to talk shit here,
but this is just sad. Your RB situation was a goddamn disaster
before your two consistent starters got hurt, although I can't decide
if Arian Foster's retirement improved your team or not. But last
week, it looked like it was all about to change. You benched Theo
Riddick (who sucks) and started Jeremy Hill (who only sucks 66
percent of the time.) You started CJ Anderson, and you laid Nate the
fuck out. And that happened even with your defense giving you
negative points. Things were looking up.
But then the news started rolling in-
CJ Anderson now has a knee injury, and is out for the season. I'm
not a physician- to quote the great Phillip J. Fry, I can't even find
my own uterus, but I've heard that knee injuries don't seem to bode
well for football players. I'll tell you what I told JD- the Broncos
RB core was designed in a lab to ensure misery for fantasy football
owners.
What else? Oh right- the defense.
Jesus. You had the Rams defense, which wasn't the worst thing in the
world, but then they had a bye week. You then, for reasons
scientists and sociologist will probably spend decades trying to
explain, picked up the Titans D. Yes, the Tennessee Titans. Those
playing along at home may know the Titans as being the worst team in
a division that contains the Texans and the Jaguars. It's probably
not good when you have a better chance of victory when you bench the
only defense on your team. I've been racking my brain, and the only
explanation I have is that you thought they were the Titans coached
by Denzel Washington and Will Patton.
Leitner- Points For: 705.5 Points
Against: 605
Your best win so far- Beat Scarlett by
45.5
Your worst loss so far – Week three, where JD outscored you by 40.5 and mentally scarred you for life
OK. First things first- HOW THE FUCK
IS THIS TEAM 5-2? Oh right- dumb fucking luck. You have the lowest
number of points scored against you and half the league has scored
more than you have. It's nearly a mathematical certainty that you're
going to lose the rest of the season, based purely on the law of
averages, unless there's some sort of creepy voodoo that you've
harnessed. There's literally no other explanation.
It certainly isn't your players. The
highest score you've ever got out of a WR was 20.5. Sorry, what I
meant was that 20.5 is the best score weekly score of all of your
WR's combined.
Your TE, Dennis Pitta, is mostly
famous for breaking his hip, and also being named “Dennis.” 6
points a game is his ceiling, man. Let's come to terms with it, and
move on. Oh, how's Todd Gurley doing? You drafted him with your
first pick, and he's barely hovering around 10.5 points a game. God
dammit, I called it. If you lean on the sophomore seasons of Alabama
players, you absolutely deserve what happens to you.
Oh, good! You picked up Tyler Eifart!
That's awesome. He's going to give you a monster game this week in
London. But, let's all be honest, we should hope that he hurts
himself- the way that God has it out for that guy, if he stays
healthy, the entire Cincinnati Bengals team will die in a plane crash
on the way back. Tyler Eifart's life is basically Final Destination
8.
I'm glad you finally dumped Marcus
Mariota and picked up Carson Wentz. But dude, we both know how this
goes. Carson Wentz won some games for Philly, but that can't last
forever, because it's Philly. At that point, all it will take is one
fumble for the fans to run him out of town, and you'll be starting
Kirk Cousins. Captain Kirk is on a one year contract, and
considering he plays for the Washington [redacted], he's probably
going to play as well as he can (which isn't great) until week 11 or
so, when the Cowboys have essentially made the rest of their season
useless. Then he'll phone it in until he cashes his 20 million
dollar paycheck. Then, he'll hopefully do the morally sensible thing
and fuck off, where he'll probably drink until he can't taste Dan
Snyder's dick anymore.
Rabb- Points For: 709.5 Points
Against: 642
Your best win so far- Beat Nathan by
50
Your worst loss so far – You lost by 11 points in week 1 to Alex. I, uh, I don't have a joke for that.
Dude- I don't think I've ever seen
this. In literally every single one of your losses, you could have
won if you had simply made one different roster move. Play John
Brown over Davante Parker in one week, play the Chiefs defense
instead of the Steelers in another, and you've got the second best
record in the league.
OK, I'm willing to accept my part of
the blame on this one- last week, had you started the bipedal
disappointment that is Tavon Austin instead of born-again
disappointment Allen Robinson, you would have won. Fine, so maybe I
told you that Tavon Austin was the absolute worst the day after you
drafted him, but let's be honest- I'm a guy that has nothing better
to do than talk shit about a meaningless virtual contest built around
a morally bankrupt tire-fire of a sports league, so maybe you should
take anything I say with a grain of salt.
Your injury situation isn't great
either. Right now, you have players with: 1 knee injury, 1 hamstring
injury, 1 shoulder injury, 1 case of turf toe, and 1 set of complications from sickle cell anemia. All you need is Brain freeze,
writers cramp, and broken heart and you've officially dominated the fantasy version of the board game Operation.
But most of this bullshit is still on
you, ma'am. First of all, Bilal Powell is so terrible that he's psychically tearing your team down, even as he's perpetually
stuck on your bench. Look, I know Joe Flacco won a Super Bowl, but
do you know who he was playing against? Colin Fucking Kaepernick, who
was benched for Blaine Gabbert, who was then replaced by Kaepernick
because Chip Kelly is a fucking lunatic. Your mediocrity,
ultimately, rests on you. You didn't shoot the messenger, thanks for
that.
You also didn't beat me in fantasy football. I'd say thanks,
but I'm pretty sure I should thank the part of your brain that
decided to bench Kansas City (8th best, would have given
you 11 points) for the Steelers (27th place, gave you -4).
Big ups!
Nick- Points For: 716.5 Points
Against: 733.5
Your best win so far- Beat Alex by
65.5
Your worst loss so far – That time Lara slapped you with her metaphorical 37 point cock.
Well, the good news is that Rob
Gronkowski is starting to play football again, and Andrew Luck is
occasionally remembering that he's an NFL quarterback, and not just a
poorly disguised ogre. The bad news is, unsurprisingly, everything
else.
You have good players. You really do.
The problem, however, is consistency. Because it doesn't matter if
your entire team decides to go apeshit (like it did in your epic
victory over the guy in last place) if they can't do it on at least a
somewhat regular basis.
James White could have been a solid
pick up, but it's a documented fact that Bill Bellichick absolutely
despises fantasy football, and will do everything in his power to
ensure that anyone playing one of his RB's will end their Sundays
laying drunk in the fetal position. Ask anyone who's ever needed
something out of Shane Vereen, Jonas Gray, Stevan Ridley or Dion
Lewis and they'll tell you the exact same thing, once they've stopped
their hysterical crying long enough to answer the question.
Deandre fucking Hopkins. What a let
down. Houston's quarterbacks have always been trash, but now that
they're paying one 72 million dollars, it's driven down the value of
Deandre. How does that happen? Is DeAndre Jealous? Does God hate
Houston? This is why fantasy football is such a nightmare. DeAndre
is 6'5, 600 pounds, eats boulders for recreation and is probably the
son of Hercules but he's getting his ass kicked by somebody named
Will Fuller.
I see you've also been handed -4
points by the Steelers defense. Look, when a team's starting QB
makes Donald Trump look like a respectable citizen, they can only
avoid the karmic payback for so long. The Steelers are on the way to
self destruction, and we should all be grateful. Fuck them. I'm
glad you dumped them and got a respectable defense, like... The
Jaguars. -1 points. Whelp.
Also, you took a kicker in the 12th
round. Remember when you took a kicker in the 12th round?
He gave you -1 points that one week.
Larax- Points For: 735.5 Points
Against: 668.5
Your best win so far- Beat Scarlett by
44
Your worst loss so far – Rabb took you out to the woodshed for 36 points of ass whooping
So, despite everything that is just
and right in the world, Phillip Rivers continues his fantasy
dominance. Here's a fun story that hasn't made its way out of Reddit
yet-
Phillip Rivers was actually driving
the bus containing Donald Trump and Billy Bush during the notorious
“grab them by the pussy” conversation. They were actually on the
set of Days of Our Lives, where old man Rivers was auditioning for
the part of Stefano DiMera's secret gay lover.
Unfortunately, the
producers took a pass on him, in no small part because Mr. Rivers
showed up with a Hitler mustache. After that, he mostly focused on
football, once he overcame his crippling cocaine addiction.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised that
the backup RB for the Falcons consistently out-performed the starting
RB for the Jets, but what does surprise me is that you continued to
start him, in the hope that he'd do anything other than give you a
miserable 7 points a game. Yes, he was awesome when he was the only
thing going for a Bears team that wasn't entirely functionally
useless and when he was 5 years younger, but enough is enough. Forte
needs to take a note from Arian Foster and retire with at least some
kind of dignity. My guess is that he won't, and he'll go out like
Patrick Ewing, where the last thing anyone remembers about him is the
time he rim choked on a dunk around the same time ESPN started using
high def cameras behind the backboard.
Wait, Michael Crabtree is good now?
How the fuck did that happen? He went from getting called out by
Richard Sherman for being mediocre to suddenly being less than
mediocre, but now he's good enough to score more than -5 points a
game despite the fact that he'll never make the post-season? Welcome
to the Raiders, Michael. He must feel like a varsity player guest
starring for the C-team.
You sat Jason Witten, and that must
have felt terrible. There isn't a person on the planet who doesn't
secretly want to see Jason Witten succeed- even Washington [redacted]
fans have to look at that slow, slobbering asshole and hope that he
gets one more playoff run. His entire career has basically turned
into the last quarter of the movie Rudy.
In
conclusion, fuck Phillip Rivers.
Bailee-
Points For: 744.5 Points Against: 649.5
Your best win so far- Beat JD by 56.5
Your worst loss so far – Your loss to Lara by 33 was so sad, George Straight and Garth Brooks are arguing over who gets to write a shitty country song about it
If I
was going to sum your team up in one sentence, it would be this- Drew
Brees, LeSean McCoy, Ezekiel Elliot, and a whole lot of douchebags
that have no business scoring serious fantasy points.
Look,
if somebody gets beat in fantasy because three of their opponents awesome players tear
them apart, they get to complain about it, because sometimes there is absolutely nothing you can do. Ezekiel and LeSean are
the 4th
and 5th
best at the position, Drew Brees continues to do Drew Brees (which is
throw 6 TD's a game and still lose) and that should be fucking it. I
wouldn't mind being able to say I lost to a team with those guys
starting. But if I also have to say that I lost to a team that started
Victor Cruz and Zach Ertz (the worst of your three(why?) tight ends)
then anyone who knows anything about this horrible game gets to laugh
at me, further eroding whatever dignity I have left.
That's
right- your backup players are so terrible that they're literally
lowering my self esteem, and you're 5-2. God dammit.
Let's
just list your wide recievers- Golden Tate, Victor Cruz, Kenny
Stills, Tyler Lockett, and Pierre garcon. Now let's see what every
single fantasy football aggregate has to say about them- low-end flex
play, low-end flex play, low-end flex play, low-end flex play, and
low-end flex play. You're 5-2 and your highest ranked WR is #41
overall. There is no god.
Hopefully
you continue to start defenses that play abysmally, and your team
gets sent to the bottom half like it deserves.
Brandon-
Points For: 746.5 Points Against: 789.5
Your best win so far- Beat Nick by
18.5
Your worst loss so far – When the Cleveland Browns are feeling the saddums, they can remember the week you lost to Scarlett by 52.5, and realize things could always be worse.
You
got roped in the trade you made with Leitner. You gave up Blount and
Michael Thomas for Mark Ingram and Julian Edelman? Are you fucking
crazy? Blount was giving you more points than those shitheels
combined and Thomas was finally starting to find a groove, and now
you have one of three backs in the 27th
ranked run game and Tom Brady's 4th
checkdown (5th
if you count James White.) Good luck with that shit.
Look,
man- I get it. Adrian Peterson got hurt, and then Dez started to
suck, and then Doug Baldwin spent all of his energy on the first
three games of the season. It doesn't feel good. But there's always
a tomorrow, and there isn't any reason to blow your team up right
now. Settle down, take some deep breaths. Shhh... It will be OK.
Just... give me the computer, OK? Let's not hurt your team in ways
it won't come back from.
I
mean, did you ever consider trading for a TE that wasn't Jimmy
Graham? And why do you have him and Doug Baldwin on the same team?
Do you think there's a chance in hell that they'll both score points
in the same week? Did you watch the game on Sunday night? It was
less fun than a trip to the dentist. The Seattle Seahawks are so
good at defense that they've actually made their own offense worse.
Hey,
at least you have Matt Ryan and DeMarco Murray. Fast forward to
three weeks from now when you trade them for Marshawn Lynch and Keanu
Reeves's character in The Replacements.
You
and Bailee are both at 5-2, and you both have three mediocre TE's.
I'm not sure there's even a correlation there. Maybe putting extra
bullshit on your teams reduces the space for useful players, which
makes you pay much more attention to the players you actually start.
Are you making this hard on yourself on purpose? C'mon, man- life is
stressful enough already.
You're
a masochist. You have to be. There is no other way that this makes
any sense.
Sam-
Points For: 812 Points Against: 640.5
Your best win so far- Yes
Your worst loss so far – BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA---HAHAHAHAHA
This shit is already 4500 words long. Tell you what- email me your write up of my team to swellbo@gmail.com and I'll post it here.
I heart you all.
No comments:
Post a Comment