Week 1: The Winners and Losers

Week 1: I just got a Tattoo! Stop what you’re fucking doing and go like it on Facebook because I’m a narcissist and it’s glorious.

Also, I wrote this in a day. It’s like 3100 words. If there are typos, I don’t want to fucking hear about them, or I will destroy your entire team using my evil commissioner powers.

Let’s see what happened!

Shelby Allen- WINNER, WINNER, FUCK DONALD TRUMP

You beat- JD

You played:
QB-Brock Osweiler
RB1- CJ Anderson
RB2- Theo Riddick
WR1- Julio Jones

WR2- Alshon Jeffery

TE- Jared Cook

FLEX- Emmanuel Sanders

D- Rams

K- Sebastian Janikosky (Get a different kicker because I don’t feel like typing that shit every week, fucker.)

So, how did it go?

It went fucking lucky. You got beasts of a game from CJ Anderson against the Panthers, AKA the strongest front 7 in football, and… THEO FUCKING RIDDICK? Actually, the entire Detroit organization got lucky. It’s a good think I didn’t gamble on anything this week, because I would have bet my first born child that the Lions would have done nothing but get buttfucked by the Colts.

Hopefully this doesn’t mean that you’re going to finish with the same record as the Lions.

(This probably means you’re going to have the same record as the Lions. Have fun with that.)

The rest of your team played like shit. Look, I get what you were trying for. Jared Cook was alright in St. Louis (I think it says something that the Rams- the Rams- didn’t think it was worth bringing him to LA) but that when there was literally nobody else to throw to. I think Aaron Rodgers threw him a pass just because he felt bad. “Who’s the most special tight end on the second string? YES YOU ARE! YES YOU ARE!!!”

Jesus, the Rams defense. They got abused by San Francisco. The most interesting part of that game was an idiot running out on the field and almost making it to the endzone before getting tackled. This implies that the people in charge of tackling drunken morons played better than the defense you drafted. Find a better defense- maybe New Mexico State’s D is available?

Good win! Trump would be proud!

JD Dunn- TELL EM GENE!

You lost to- Shelby Allen

You played:
QB- Ben Rapelisberger
RB1- Devonta Freeman
RB2- Doug Martin
WR1- Amari Cooper

WR2- Michael Floyd

TE- Gary Barnidge

FLEX- Jordan Matthews

D- Seahawks

K- Justin Tucker

So, how did it go?

This must be frustrating as shit. Nobody on your team did terrible, except for Gary Barnidge, who only stopped being good when RG3, against all expectations, had a season threatening injury to something other than his knee.

Oh, wait. I was wrong. There was one person, a false prophet, a time-bomb in the form of a supposed top 10 RB. Devonta fucking Freeman. The official line on Freeman is that the reason he took a colossal shit on fantasy teams around the world is that he had a mild quadriceps injury. Probably because he was facing the terrible force that is the defense of the… [sigh] Tampa Bay Buccaneers. So if I’m you, I’m sincerely hoping that there is a semi-serious injury to my first pick. Otherwise, you’ve basically drafted Bernie Madoff in runningback form.

Seriously- you could have had this one. Had CJ Anderson not looked like a professional football player for the first time in his career or had Theo Riddick accomplished exactly dick like every single reasonable prediction said he would, you’d have won your first fantasy game, instead of wallowing in the sorrow that comes with having to start Michael Floyd.

Dump your TE, repent your sins, and hope that I’m wrong about Devonta Freeman, because otherwise this is going to be a long, sad year for you.

JUSTIN- ALL OUR BASE ARE BELONG TO YOU!

You beat- Brandon

You played:
QB- Kirk Cousins
RB1- Todd Gurley
RB2- DeAngelo Williams
WR1- Julian Edelman

WR2- Eric Decker

TE- Charles Clay

FLEX- Mark Ingram

D- Eagles

K- Graham Gano

So, how did it go?

DeAngelo Williams went HAM because LeVeon Bell isn’t back yet. Now, don’t get me wrong- if I’m you, I’m celebrating like Keith Moon in a cheap hotel because a 31 point performance carrying your team to victory is the best feeling in the world. I can only imagine how Brandon felt, being up by 25 ish points, only to watch DeAngelo Williams destroy his life on Monday night. You spat in justice’s face. I bet this is how Casey Anthony feels.

The rest of your team was a goddamn disaster. You got 4.5 out of Todd Gurley, who was the first pick of every draft ever and the alleged second coming of Christ until the world collectively realized that he still played for the fucking Rams. You got 11 out of Kirk Cousins, which is like 7 more than it looked like he should have given you that game.

You got more out of your the Eagles defense than you did from the rest anyone who isn’t named DeAngelo Williams. The Eagles defense played against the Cleveland Browns. At home. Without their starting QB. They scored 12 points.

These are all facts.

The rest of your team is a big ball of “meh.” Please tell us now who you want to bench to get Kelvin Benjamin in your WR spot- I need to know whether Eric Decker or Julian Edelman is on your bench so I can start them for 35 points in my other fantasy leagues.

Good Win! This will be the longest winning streak you have!

BRANDON- TELL EM GENE!

You lost to- Justin

You played:
QB- Derek Carr
RB1- Adrian Peterson
RB2- DeMarco Murray
WR1- Dez Bryant

WR2- Demaryius Thomas

TE- Julius Thomas

FLEX- Doug Baldwin

D- Cardinals

K- Chandler Catanzaro

So, how did it go?

Wow. Just… wow. You got 9.5 points out of Adrian Peterson, Dez Bryant, and Demaryius Thomas… Combined. But despite all of that, you finished Sunday with a solid lead because Justin started the JV team this week.

...Only to watch it all fall the fuck apart the next night when DeAngelo Williams decided to cock-slap you. Did you piss off God this week?

Seriously, check out who scored points for this team. Derek Carr, much to the chagrin of people who hate the Raiders (as in literally everyone who isn’t a Raiders fan) decided to be a football player and give you like a quarter of your points. The Minnesota Defense scored 300 points against the Titans, but DeMarco Murray gave you 19.5 points.

Doug Baldwin, whose biggest accomplishment is being named after a Nickelodean cartoon from the 90’s, gave you nearly 20.

Julius Thomas, who hasn’t been a receiver since Peyton Manning was a QB (I.E. 2014) gave you 19.5.

Three people who you probably didn’t draft until round 28 gave you a 2/3 of your points.

God watching the Patriots win is the worst. It physically hurts me to see New England happy. In a just world, ESPN Fantasy would have awarded the Cardinals 23 points after Tyron Mathieu killed Bill Belichick during pre-game.

This is where fantasy football is awful- had you started Sterling Shepard (who?) over Dez and started LeGarrette Blount over AP you would have won the shit out of this, but you shouldn’t have done that for two reasons. The first is that it 99 out of 100 times it will lead you to ruin. The second is that it means you would rely on the success of the Patriots for fantasy points and FUCK THAT.

ALEX- VICTORY! ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED? IS THIS NOT WHY YOU ARE HERE?

You Beat- Shelby Rabb

You played:
QB- Aaron Rodgers
RB1- Eddie Lacy
RB2- Jonathan Stewart
WR1- Sammy Watkins

WR2- Jeremy Maclin

TE- Travis Kelce

FLEX- Ryan Mathews

D- Panthers

K- Steven Hauschka

So, how did it go?

Ok, just off the bat, I’m not sure what pisses me off more: the fact that you played the starting TE and the first string WR for Kansas City, whose quarterback actually holds the Guiness world record for Most Mediocre… Or that you actually won because of it. Fuck Kansas City. I hope Andy Reed stops being the coach and returns to the ocean to live with the rest of the whales.

Then there was Aaron Rodgers, who did some Aaron Rodgers shit and somehow scored multiple touchdowns, despite the fact that his offensive line stopped caring around 5 minutes into the game. Also, Ryan Mathews. Who played against Cleveland. At home. Without their starting QB.

And then there was… nothing. The rest of your team took a massive shit. Eddie Lacy gave you less than your defense and slightly more than your kicker. Sammy Watkins tried to be a wide receiver, probably until his coaches explained to him that his job was actually to get injured in the first game of the season. Say what you want about that man, he knows how to hurt his foot.

Yeah, I have nothing else to say about this team. Jonathan Stewart did meh. Steven Hauschka, although he is 2^nd favorite gay NFL player (right behind JJ Watt) is barely worth mentioning. Panthers gave you 8 and then lost their game on a missed field goal because fuck them.

Good Win! Have fun when you start Mike Wallace over Sammy Watkins and get 3 points!

SHELBY RABB- TELL EM GENE!

You lost to- Alex

You played:
QB- Carson Palmer
RB1- Lamar Miller
RB2- Frank Gore
WR1- Allen Robinson

WR2- T.Y. Hilton

TE- Greg Olsen

FLEX- John Brown

D- Chiefs

K- Adam Vinatieri

So, how did it go?

It went exactly as well as it could have. You started the best possible players, and they didn’t do anything. Carson Palmer gave you a decent effort. Lamar Miller did as well as anyone with half a brain could expect him to. The rest of it was an oscillation between 10 ish points and absolutely nothing. The Chiefs gave you a goose egg, because they suck just bad enough to let the Chargers almost beat them, but aren’t good enough to play any defense while that happens.

John Brown caught one pass for less than 10 yards, apparently due to concussion protocol. It’s always a good sign when your flex player has been hit in the head too many times to figure out how to run more than 8 yards past the line of scrimmage.

You got 10 each from Allen Robinson and TY Hilton because out of nowhere, their TE’s (Julius Thomas and Dwayne Allen) finally got un-stuck from their respective Chinese finger traps and decided to go be football players. Really, there wasn’t a goddamn thing you could have done.

I’m sorry dude, but I have nothing else to say about it. Your week sucked. Move on.

LARA- ALL YOU’VE DONE THIS SEASON IS WIN.

You Beat (The Everloving Shit Out Of)- Bailee

You played:
QB- Cam Newton
RB1- Matt Forte
RB2-Giovani Bernard
WR1- AJ Green

WR2- Keenan Allen

TE- Jason Witten

FLEX- Randall Cobb

D- Vikings

K- Blair Walsh

So, how did it go?

Holy fuck. Awesome, actually. First of all, it didn’t hurt that you got 21 out of Minnesota’s defense. Blair Walsh tacked on 14. I guess I shouldn’t really be surprised- if anyone is going to score points in Minnesota (and believe me, sometimes they won’t) it’s going to be either Blair Walsh or their defense. Ask Brandon how AP did- it’s hard to score a touchdown when your starting QB blows out a knee and your current QB is three snaps away from blowing out a knee.

AJ Green put up 30 points after shitting in the graves of Darrell Revis’s ancestors, and Cam Newton did just fine until the Broncos stopped playing football and started playing “Scramble Cam Newton’s Brain.”

And THEN, despite anything resembling logical sense, Jason Witten not only played a game, but caught 9 goddamn passes. That’s five players and you’ve already toasted Bailee.

On the other hand, Giovani Bernard only exists to catch two yard passes and get under-utilized in the run game, and since Sunday there’s been a snapped piece of silly putty where Keenan Allen’s ACL used to be. However, based on this performance, you could murder one of your fantasy players every week and still win the goddamn league.

Good Win! Try to injure Philip Rivers next time!

BAILEE- TELL EM GENE!

You lost (horrendously) to- Lara

You played:
QB- Drew Brees
RB1- Ezekiel Elliot
RB2- LeSean McCoy
WR1- Donte Moncrief

WR2- Golden Tate

TE- Delanie Walker

FLEX- Tyler Locket

D- Packers

K- Matt Bryant

So, how did it go?

Look, I want to try and rip this team a new asshole, but man, this is just sad. Tyler Lockett and Doug Baldwin are basically the exact same person, and for whatever reason, Doug Baldwin just got thrown to more. I guess he dropped a few passes, but if I’m you, I’m happy about that, because at least you have some sort of an excuse.

But then again, it’s not like it really would have mattered. Exact same story with your TE, WR2, and Ezekiel Elliot.

Seriously, I hate this. I would love to tell you that had you started somebody different you could have come back, or talk shit about the players you do have, but I can’t. Even your top scorer (by 15 points) Drew Brees threw for a bazillion yards and forty seven touchdowns and still lost to THE MOTHERFUCKING RAIDERS. GOD DAMMIT.

At this point, the only thing I can say is “better luck next year.”

NATE- YOU DID TO YOUR OPPONENT WHAT YOKO DID TO THE BEATLES.

You beat (the hell from)- Scarlett

You played:
QB- Russell Wilson
RB1- Jeremy Langford
RB2- Rashad Jennings
WR1- Antonio Brown

WR2- Jordy Nelson

TE- Jordan Reed

FLEX- Willie Snead

D- Texans

K- Dan Bailey

So, how did it go?

Well, let’s take a look. You got 28 out of Antonio Brown- good choice. You took him first overall and he’s actually producing. It’s good to see that somebody around here knows what they’re doing. That’s probably why you got almost as many points from… Willie Snead. Wow. Nevermind what I said about you knowing your shit. The guy you probably forgot to take out of your flex position randomly scored 28 points for no reason whatsoever. Who else scored? Oh, right. Your fucking kicker. I can see why you were so goddamn excited about Dan Bailey. He’s going to get 4 FG’s a week because there’s no way in hell that Dallas ever gets into the fucking end zone.

Everyone on your team scored double digits except for Jordan Reed, who only had 9.5. Christ, you somehow even got 10 points from the Texans defense, which is basically JJ Watt and some awkwardly placed mannequins.

You had Darren Sproles, Steve Smith Sr., Pierre Garcon and Duke Johnson Jr. on your bench, and you decided to start Willie Snead. PLEASE DO THIS EVERY WEEK.

Whatever, you won by a lot so your write-up is shorter than the rest. Sue me.

Good Win! WILLIE SNEAD IS TOTALLY GOING TO SCORE 300 POINTS THIS YEAR. TOTALLY.

SCARLETT- TELL EM GENE!

You lost (obscenely) to- Nate

You played:
QB-Eli Manning
RB1- Spencer Ware
RB2- Justin Forsett
WR1- Odell Beckham Jr.

WR2- Brandon Marshall

TE- Coby Fleener

FLEX- Stefon Diggs

D- Patriots

K- Mason Crosby

So, how did it go?

Not great. Any time Spencer ware is the highest scoring player on your team, it should raise an eyebrow. Anytime Stefon Diggs is the second (with less than half of Spencer Ware’s points) it should raise the other eyebrow. Then, if OBJ goes for 9 and Brandon Marshall goes for 4.5, you should raise just everything.

Your team gave me a facelift, is what I guess I’m trying to say.

Really, it’s not like there was a whole lot you could do- you could have put Isaiah Crowell in for Justin Forsett and Tajae Sharpe in for Brandon Marshall (neither of which you should do, ever) and you still wouldn’t have been in the same universe as the guy who accidentally started Willie Snead over literally anybody else.

3 points from the Patriots defense. They screw one of my dear friends and they still win their game against Arizona. God dammit.

Coby Fleener isn’t looking great. At least you have him in a half PPR league- I had to start him in another league because Gronk can’t figure out whether his hamstring hurts or not. Flash forward to watching Coby Wan Kenobi play the whole game without catching anything but a craptastic five yarder, and watching Willie Snead randomly go apeshit.

Fucking Patriots.

SAM- VICTORY IS MINE! RESISTANCE IS FUTILE!

I beat- Nick

I played:
QB- Blake Bortles
RB1- David Johnson
RB2- Carlos Hyde
WR1- Brandin Cooks

WR2- Mike Evans

TE- Dwayne Allen

FLEX- Allen Hurns

D- BRONCOS BABY

K- Brandon McManus

So, how did it go?

Pretty goddamn swell, if I do say so myself. Brandin Cooks, the only receiver on the saints who should have 30 points (LOOKING AT YOU, SNEAD) got, well, 30 points.

Shit, everyone brought the ruckus except for the Broncos D, the Broncos Kicker, and I guess Allen Hurns?

Anyway, take a look for yourselves. This fucking write-up is already 3000 words long, I’m not trying to stay awake until 4 am.

NICK- TELL EM GENE!


You lost to- a Sasquatch with a brand spanking new video game tattoo.

You played:
QB- Andrew Luck

RB1-Christine Michael

RB2-Latavius Murray

WR1-DeAndre Hopkins

WR2- Jarvis Landry

TE- Antonio Gates
D- Steelers

K- Stephen Gostkowski (was taken in the 12^th round.)

Man, I was glad that I was the first one to play you. It isn’t until you’ve lost to me that you’ve hopefully learned that Christine Michael is a chump, that Antonio Gates is 300 years old, that Danny Woodhead, though he may look like a pedophile, is actually kind of a big deal in San Diego, and that Ameer Abdullah is basically all that Detroit has.

Gronk was hurt, but I don’t know how well that would have even helped you. You lost by 27.5 and the only way Gronk could get those kind of numbers is if he was playing with Tom Brady against a defense that wasn’t the Cardinals. Neither of those things occurred.

Andrew Luck went nuts- 20 points more than my QB, or any QB not named Rodgers. I hate that we have to play that fucking guy on Sunday, but the fact that he lost to the Detroit Lions makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

The Steelers defense hasn’t done anything interesting since a year before Troy Polamalu left town. Three years if you don’t count the time he did a commercial for dandruff shampoo.

I’m honestly surprised Latavius Murray didn’t score more for you. The guy made the Saints linebackers look like bowling pins. The way he runs, he’s due for a concussion this year (go Broncos) but until then he’s going to score all of the points for you.

Also, you drafted a kicker in the 12^th round.


Have a great weekend kids. See ya’ll next week.