Week 3 bitches!
So, how's everyone doing? Good?
Great.
First things first: Before we get to
the bullshit, some administrative information I have to give you as
your fearless commissioner:
I am in first place, and all of you can
suck it.
OK, all formalities aside, let's see
how the week went!
Sam vs. Shelby Allen, or: Why you
shouldn't be allowed to gloat when your opponent only puts up 60
points.
Sam's best: Nate, I feel like I owe
you a drink. Did you drop Nick Foles on purpose? Look, I know the
guy wasn't putting up numbers like he was last season, but who did
you think would play better? Wait, let me check... JAY CUTLER?
SERIOUSLY? Christ... Anyway, Foles rocked it and Antonio Brown is
still (figuratively) kicking people in the face. God dammit I love
that guy.
Sam's worst: I got a combine 5 ½ points out of LeSean McCoy and Montee Ball, and still won. Arizona's D did exactly jack shit. And yet, victory. Why, you're probably not asking? Well...
Shelby's best: Uh... yeah... Did I
mention 50 points?
Shelby's worst: Basically your team.
It's a shit week when you could have played it as perfect as it gets
and still would have lost. Bernard Pierce sucks. Eddy Lacy sucks
(somehow.) And don't get me started on Phil Dawson. That guy is a
shame to kickers everywhere (who are a shame to football. If it's a
penalty to tackle you, I feel like you shouldn't get to wear the same
uniform as everyone else. Fuck Phil Dawson. Give him a bright
yellow jersey like a soccer goalie.)
Coco vs. Lara: Battle of the Cowboy
puns goes to the Coco.
Coco's best: Andrew Lucking Fuck.
That ogre-looking motherfucker can play his ass off. I think Ryan
Fitz grew a beard to try and score some Luck magic, only it
back-fired because Fitzpatrick still resembles a human being, even
with the logger look. 30 points is awesome. Also, Fred Jackson is a
beast. It's often you'll get 20+ points from somebody who can
collect social security.
Coco's worst: Poor, poor Andre
Johnson. I feel like Andre, Larry Fitz and Jamaal Charles should all
be on a team that doesn't suck, at least for like a game. Just give
them a taste of glory, instead of the mediocrity they've probably
gotten used to at this point. 4 points from the best wide reciever
of 2011. Gross. Buffalo's defense blows and I'm pretty sure you
broke Kyle Rudolph. Also, you and I both decided to play James Jones
in the week he remembered that he played for the fucking Raiders.
Lara's best: Knile Davis is a goddamn
machine. He might end up with Jamaal Charles's job before the end of
the season, and I might actually cry. Besides that? Demarco Murray
is about all anyone can trust out of Dallas right now, and... the
Raider's kicker? Oh lord...
Lara's worst: It just reads down from
the top. Rodgers- 8 ½ instead of 14. Kendall Wright- 6.9 instead
of 8. Keenan Allen- he was supposed to get 10, and I think he just
stood around making fart noises instead. I don't know, I didn't see
the game- I was too busy making up rumors about Philip Rivers. (He's
actually a neo-Nazi.)
Brandon vs. Scarlett: It's all about
Emmanuel Sanders, Brandon takes it down.
Brandon's best: I love me some
Emmanuel Sanders. I don't care who you are- if you embarrass Richard
Sherman, you're fucking alright. The fact that he plays for my team
is a cherry on the DON'T YOU EVER TALK ABOUT ME!
Also, Brandon, what's the over under on
how many times you scream out “You're my boy (Alfred) Blue!” this
season? I've got the over at 3 ½.
Brandon's worst: Consistent performance
all around, sir. Jimmy Graham didn't do the Jimmy Graham thing, but
good call playing Cincinnatti's D to score you 12 points instead of
the Hawks. You have no idea how much shit I would give you if you
lost the game because you played the Seahawks against the Broncos.
Scarlett's best: Kirk Cousins and
Crabtree. Definitely filing that under “things I didn't think I
would type this season.” Kudos on picking up Cousins- the guy
played like a fucking monster last week, and Crabtree hasn't just
recovered from his injury, he's kicked it in the balls and insulted
its mother. Yeah, I'm not great at analogies tonight. Sue me.
Scarlett's worst: Joique Bell and
Brandon Marshall? Jesus, does your team play in opposite world? I
kid. Not even Brandon Marshall can have a beast week every week.
Although asking him to score more than a point isn't a huge
concession, right? LOOKING AT YOU, CUTLER.
Justin vs. Luke: Victory goes to the
guy with the hand-written draft notes, probably because he actually
filled his roster.
Justin's best: In one of my other
leagues, somebody picked up Martellus Bennett in the 4th
round, and I gave him shit for 3 hours straight. This is God telling
me to shut my fucking mouth, because he's having a career year, and
I'm basically sitting with my dick in my hand in that league.
Also-Pierre Garcon got 11 passes. Last week, Kirk Cousins doesn't
even look at the guy, and this week he turns him into fucking
Megatron.
Justin's worst: Randall Cobb and the
Browns. Doesn't that sound like some kind of racist cover band that
plays weddings in the south somewhere?
Luke's best/worst: Dude, I don't know
anymore. Arian Foster is fucked, Frank Gore is fucked, Cam Newton
was fucked before he hurt himself, and now he's double fucked. If it
wasn't for Dez Bryant and Chicago's D you would have been out-scored
by Shelby.
Bailee vs. Shelby Rabb: Julio Jones is
half man, half tank.
Bailee's best: So here's the thing
about Julio: It turns out that he's really, really good. He's also
really, reaaaaally good against teams that suck, such as the Bucs.
The fucking falcons scored 56 points in that game, or to put it
another way, they had enough offense to somehow drag Steven Jackson
across his 11 point projected score. And Colston is still alive! I
think that was his first touchdown in 4 years.
Bailee's worst: Mason Crosby. The
packers suck this year, but the sad part is we all know that those
fucks will somehow figure out how to get to the post-season just in
time to get steam-rolled by the Niners. Carolina's defense,
projected to be the 2nd ranked in the league, let the
Steelers put up 37 points, which might be as much as they'd scored
all season.
Shelby's best: Let's see... uh...
Pierre Thomas gave you 12! [slow clap]...
Shelby's worst: LITERALLY everyone
else. Since he scored 2 points, I imagine we'll see Matt Stafford eat his feelings and show up looking like he ate the sun next week. Was
Reggie Bush the only guy playing for the Lions last week? Your score
is hard to look at. It makes me sad.
Bobby vs. Nate: Insert clever match-up
header here.
Bobby's best: Fucking Marshawn Lynch
is amazing. It would have been ok if THAT had been the superbowl
instead of the clusterfuck I got to watch and then promptly try to
drink enough to forget about. DeAndre Hopkins is actually turning
into a football player (did anybody see the catch that got called
back? JESUS.)
Bobby's worst: Tom Brady is slowly but
surely turning to suck. My guess is it's a year or so before he
pulls a Brett Favre, except he's going to start for the bills, then
head to Miami and then send somebody a dick pick. Also, San Francisco got
lit up by Arizona's backup QB. I don't think anybody saw that
coming. Jim Harbaugh might have a goddamn aneurysm this season.
Nate's best: Even though Philip Rivers
has been convicted twice of sex with animals and has a side-gig as a
creepy birthday clown, the guy can throw a goddamn football. Zac
Stacy is coming around- just don't depend on him in the post-season, as he'll channel Aaron Rodgers and fuck everything up.
Nate's worst: You know, it always
seems to go down like this. Larry Fitz plays against a great team
that covers him, and ONLY him, and then they lose because they make
the common mistake of forgetting there's actually more people than
Larry on the Cardinals team. 3 points? Gross. Somehow both you and
Bobby lost points in that game.
That's it.
Later!
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