round up week 2

Sup fools?
Sorry this one's coming late. So much to talk about! Injuries! Child abuse! Elevator Fights! Richard Sherman getting schooled by Keenan Allen and then called out afterward! (THE FIRST RULE OF RICHARD SHERMAN IS: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT RICHARD SHERMAN. THE SECOND RULE OF RICHARD SHERMAN IS: YOU DO NOT TALK ABOUT RICHARD SHERMAN!)

Two quick things before we get into some shit-

1. The reason this is late is that I worked all fucking week on a program I didn't even finish.
2. It has only just now occurred to me that this site is maudiesLEAUGE.blogspot. Now, that may look like I don't know how to spell at a fourth grade level, but I'm going to say that it was a great show of foresight, because now I don't think Joe Draker can accuse me of trademark infringement.

Alright, here we go. We're counting Ray Rice/AP jokes. I'm going for 9.

Sam vs. Larax: Sam inexplicably pulls a win out of his ass.

Sam's best: And my player that out-scored their projection by the most this week was... Arizona's D. When I wrote that sentence, a whoopee cushion went off in my head. I definitely didn't deserve this one. Shady did some stuff (although still went second fiddle to Darren Sproles, more on that later) and Wilson looked OK, I guess. Aside from that, nothing.

Sam's worst: Vincent Jackson is fucking killing me. I somehow thought that guy would be good. He's shat the bed two weeks in a row. I at least had the foresight to bench his ass, and good thing too- right now the Bucs are playing like they're unconscious in an elevator (that's one!) 56-0. Is he even playing?

Lara's best: Demarco Murray, Mark Ingram, and Aaron Rodgers. Holy. Fuck. Those three put up enough points to beat four teams in the league. How did you lose this game? Mark Ingram got hurt, and Torrey Smith decided to take the night off. How did that happen?

Lara's worst: Oh yeah, now I remember. What did I tell you after the draft? Anyone who puts the lazy, plodding sad-sack that is Chris Johnson on their fantasy team deserves what happens to them. You're better off letting AP babysit your kid (2.) Torrey Smith sucks, but let me know when you decide to bench him because that's when I bet on the Ravens and he scores 4 TD's.

Coco vs Bobby: I... just... I don't even know. Coco barely beat the guy who scored 50 points.

Coco's best: Buffalo's D. You have a serious problem when anyone from Buffalo is your knight in shining armor, let alone their defense. Aside from that... your bench, I guess? None of your players knocked somebody unconscious in an elevator? (3)

Coco's worst: Anyone who isn't Andrew Luck, Buffalo's defense, or a kicker. Everyone else sucked it up. Why in the shit did you start the fossilized remains of Fred Jackson at Miami, the best run defense in the league, instead of Alfred Morris, or frankly anyone else who was playing Jacksonville?

Bobby's worst: Bobby, I'm sorry, but there is nothing to put in the best category. Beast mode scored .3 points more than he was predicted to. That's it. You scored 4 million points last week, and then this week Coco only scores 80 points and still makes you pick out your switch. (4. There's no way I can keep this up... OR CAN I?)

Shelby Allen vs. Scarlett: Scarlett's receivers open cases of whoop ass, everyone gets injured.

Scarlett's best: Brandon Marshall was listed as “questionable” going into this game- I guess they meant like it was “questionable” as to whether or not he would score 25 or 50 points. Same with 

Crabtree- I guess since RG3 might have ended his career for the 5^th time the football gods showed mercy on everyone else on your roster.

Scarlett's worst: Oh, Robert. When he finally retires, he literally isn't going to have any legs left. It's time to play RG3 injury roulette! [Spins wheel]... and... Dislocated ankle! No timeline to return, although I'm sure he'll get out there 4 weeks before he's ready and straight up destroy a body part because Shanahan won't have the balls to bench him for the game that might have made them 4-12.Who would have thought that the team crudely named after the people who walked the Trail of Tears would have such shit luck?

Shelby's best: Here's a theory: I think whenever Brian Hartline goes crazy and scores 39 points some random game, I think it's actually Jordy Nelson in his jersey. All white football players look alike. Anyway, Jordy went crazy for 31 points, meaning most of the time, the Packers threw the ball, which means...

Shelby's worst: They didn't use Eddy Lacy much, probably because they don't need to risk the man going comatose before the packers disappoint their fans in the postseason. Or, considering that 8 of your 16 players are hurt, maybe you are just really, really good at breaking football players. Next time we do this, I'm going to buy you into a random fantasy league, and you draft nothing but Raiders and Seahawks.

Brandon vs. Luke: Brandon wins, but the real victory is that they both actually filled their rosters.

Brandon's best: Spoiler alert: Jimmy Graham is really, really good. So is Giovani Bernard, and to a lesser degree, so is Julian Edelman, or as I call him the poor man's Wes Welker.

Brandon's worst: Seahawks gave you a goose egg, Vereen gave you jack shit, and you had to realize you were kicking yourself in the cock when you started Shonn Greene over anybody. Here's hoping you start Asiata next week. Here's a weird fact: Brandon's running backs are back ups to a Bishop and a child abuser, and for once they're different people. (5)

Luke's best: I would have never guessed that the Cowboys would have come back that strong. Dez Bryant looked like he was playing for his life. Frank Gore, despite being 50 years old, is still a wrecking ball, Arian Foster played lights out, and for once, starting a fantasy player who starts for the Jets turned into a good move. Even Chicago played like crazy against the Niners, who were supposed to be the second coming this season.

Luke's worst: Luke, I want you to know this. Joe Flacco is an asshole when it comes to fantasy. Do you have Torrey Smith? He's going to throw to Dennis Pitta. Do you have Dennis Pitta? He's going to throw to Owen Daniels. Do you have Owen Daniels? He's handing it off to Ray Rice. Do you have Ray Rice? Because you should probably drop Ray Rice.(6)

Justin vs Shelby Rabb: Shelby benches Antonio Gates, sadness ensues.

Justin's best: Randall Cobb blew some shit up, along with Jeremy Hill and Martellus Bennett. This game was really close, but what's interesting to me is your benches. Shelby has Antonio Gates, so she should have lost because he went into crazy old man autopilot and pulled a Julius Thomas all over Seattle. Justin has Adrian Peterson on his bench, and should have lost because fuck Adrian Peterson. (7)

Justin's worst: I don't know why Kirk Cousins doesn't like Pierre Garcon- either he hates black people or the French. Either way, 1.2 points this week sucks donkey balls. Victor Cruz is still awesome, but Eli is only accurate up to five feet away from him, and even though it barely takes any time at all for Cruz to run 50 yards, it takes less time than that for the Giants O-line to fuck up and let little Manning Mouth Breather get his head ripped off.

Shelby's best: New England's D gave you 26 points, by far the most by anyone in this matchup. Seriously, where the hell did they come from? My guess is Bellichick heard that there might be a bigger bully than him in Minnesota and decided to shove leaves in EVERYONE's mouth. (8) Aside from that...

Shelby's worst: Everyone else kinda sucked. Sorry. I'm tired and I don't know how else to say it.

Nate vs. Bailee: Bailee gets to wear the fantasy pants in the house (and not in the sexy way... or is it?)

Bailee's best: So Darren Sproles is currently the number five runningback in fantasy football. Yes, you read that correctly. It doesn't sound right, does it? It's kinda like saying Roger Goodell is a competent league commissioner (8 ½?) Also, Julio Jones is a goddamn beast.

Bailee's worst: I wonder if Brees stopped throwing to Marques Colston because of the forward lateral he threw in the playoffs last year, or just because he's twice as slow and half as fast as Brandin Cooks. Either way, he gave you zilcho. Gronk sucked. Reggie Bush sucked, and Brees wasn't Brees, because it turns out that the quarterback needs to have some possession of the ball before he can score you points. Fucking Rob Ryan.

Nate's best: Dan Bailey. People don't give kickers no respect (me included) but that's awesome. Desean Jackson probably would have done better had he not broken his arm off, and Zac Stacy looks like he's starting to come around.

Nate's worst: If you had said to anybody “I'm going to bench Nick Foles and Matt Forte and put in Ahmad Bradshaw and Philip Rivers,” you would have been looked at like you have a dick growing out of your forehead. However, that would have given you the highest score of anyone in the league.

So that's about it. Final score: 8 ½ jokes.

Good enough.

Love you all.