Week 1 Round Up!

And just like that, week one is in the books.  Let’s see how it went!

Sam vs. Coco:  Sam wins because Andy Reid forgot he had Jamaal Charles.

Sam’s best:  Antonio Brown went on a fucking rampage.  I should have set the rules to give players 50 points if they kick any opposing player in the face (I still might.)  

Ertzwhile, Zach Ertz!

Sam’s worst:  Remember how I basically fellated Vincent Jackson in the last write-up?  He didn’t do shit.  He was thrown to 9 times, but Josh McCown channeled his inner Steve Urkel, so only 4 connections for 36 yards.  Also, I decided to pick up the kicker that was playing against the Broncos, so that when he missed that field goal I got to have some kind of weird existential crisis.

Coco’s best: Andrew Fucking Luck.  This always happens: just when I think that goddamn ogre is out of steam, he goes all “Eye of the Tiger” on the Broncos secondary in the second half.  Terrence Williams probably could have scored double what he did, but there was no way that Romo was going to let McCown get the worst quarterback award last week.  People say that Tony Romo isn’t clutch, but I argue the opposite- he’s the most clutch player in the game, it’s just that Jerry and Jason haven’t told him which team he’s supposed to throw to.  

Coco’s Worst:  If Andy Reid decides he’s just going to bench the best RB in the goddamn league, this might be a long season for Coco and I (I’ve got him in two other leagues.)  He got SEVEN carries.  Jesus.  Also, the Saints defense decided to make Matty Ice look like Peyton Manning, and gave Coco -1 points, which means that, technically, Matt Prater, Ray Rice, Tony Gonzales, and Rex Grossman all put up more points than the Saints D. 

Fucking Rob Ryan.

Larax vs. Scarlett:  Larax wins because Julius Thomas is a fucking monster.

Larax’s best:  Julius Thomas cock-slapped every single Colts defensive player on his way to getting 32(!!!) points.  Then, Chris Johnson got to look like Adrian Peterson for a minute because he was playing the Raiders, who are basically a lower-end Canadian Football League team at this point.  To be fair, a good start.  I’d probably put in another RB for when the Jets play a better team, such as Penn State, or Bowie High School.

Larax’s worst: What the hell happened to Aaron Rodgers?  The Seattle defense made his offensive line look like turnstiles, and made him look like one of the Carr brothers.  The Pack needs to get their shit together, or all Rodgers is going to be remembered for this season is the reunion of Hanz and Franz.  And the Jets defense somehow only scored 3 points against the Raiders.  Because the Jets.

Scarlett’s best:  Well, Matt Bryant got some action.  So… there’s that.  Denver got some things done against a rowdy ass offense.  So …there’s that too. Umm…..

Scarlett’s worst:  RG3 is now god-awful because he can’t run and can’t throw more than 20 feet with any accuracy.  Seriously- D-Jax, Pierre Garcon, Jordan Reed, and Alfred Morris.  With that offense, Scarlett could have scored more points than RGKnee.   Also, is Michael Crabtree hurt ALREADY?  

JESUS.  

Shelby Allen vs. Luke:  Shelby wins because Luke didn’t feel like playing a QB or defense.

Shelby’s best: Cordarrelle Patterson. Now I see why St. Louis is terrified of unarmed black men.  Second year wide outs are supposed to shine, but apparently they also turn into amazing RB’s too.  He’s like a 2010 Chris Johnson.  Carlos Hyde did more than pull his weight, and Philly’s defense helped them climb back from a 17 point deficit to beat… wait, the Jags?  Never mind.  You don’t get a trophy for scoring 9 points against Chad Henne.  Philadelphia can continue to fuck off.

Shelby’s worst:  Mostly injury related.  Eddy Lacy took a decent shot to the head that probably won’t impact his season, but will continue to fuel mine as well as everyone’s utter hatred of Seattle (but I bet he looks mean as shit in one of those Wes Welker helmets.)  Jordan Cameron is hurt to some unknown degree (seeing as he plays for the Browns, this is not surprising, since I’m pretty sure they don’t understand much about anything.)   Alshon has a hamstring injury, but he’ll be up and running soon.

Luke’s best:  I swear to god if Matt Stafford wasn’t throwing to Calvin Johnson, all anyone would talk about is how he always looks like just had his wisdom teeth removed.  Megatron single-handedly curb-stomped the Giants, and did it without celebrating excessively (take notes, Golden Tate, and also, shut the fuck up.)  Also, Dennis Pitta.  I feel like the guy should get double fantasy points because his name is Dennis.  Who’s scared of a guy named Dennis?  Probably St. Louis, because they’re best player is Tavon Austin, who is garbage.

Luke’s worst:  Didn’t play a quarterback, didn’t play a defense, and everyone else got half the points they were supposed to, and yet he only lost by 15.  Once Luke gets his hands on Fantasy Football for Dummies and learns how fantasy football works we’re all in deep shit, especially since Detroit is playing against JV secondaries all year.  Ben Tate’s knee has already called it quits (or maybe not.  The Browns probably don’t employ a doctor) so good luck leaning on Terrence West all year.

Brandon vs. Shelby Rabb:  Shelby wins because Matt Stafford goes ape-shit.

Shelby’s best:  I’ll admit it- for as much shit as I give that chipmunk lookalike, when Stafford is on, he’s fucking on.  30 points from a quarterback in this league is nothing short of badass.  Golden Tate caught some of those, and seeing as he’s now the number two in a pass first offense, he’s probably going to put up double digit games consistently.  If fantasy football scored points for every time somebody acted like an asshole, however, he’d score ten more points a game.  Greg Olsen, being the only person who can catch a pass in Carolina, did some work as well.

Shelby’s worst:  When you start Trent Richardson over RB who’s playing the Raiders, you deserve what happens to you.  Trent got 6 points, more than half of that from receptions, because Andrew Luck turns into a fucking warlock whenever his team gets down two touchdowns.  Chris Ivory rolled Oakland for 16 points.  Demaryius Thomas didn’t do a damn thing, because Peyton was only throwing to Orange Julius all night.  I wouldn’t expect 7 points from him very often.

Brandon’s best: A pretty consistent performance across the board.  Shane Vereen and Julian Edelman did pretty awesome, although they somehow got beat by the Dolphins.  Everyone else did exactly as expected.

Brandon’s worst:  Dude, what the fuck is up with you and your kickers?  You drafted one who isn’t playing, and dropped his ass for a kicker who… isn’t playing.  Are you and Luke just fucking with the rest of us? WHAT THE HELL IS GOING ON AROUND HERE? [smashes keyboard].

Justin vs. Nate: Justin wins the battle of the boring.

Justin’s best:  So Le’Veon Bell kicked ass.  It’s amazing what somebody can do in a professional sport when they aren’t completely baked.  Randall Cobb was basically the Packers offense on Thursday night, and Martellus Bennett actually decided to play football.  Crazy what that guy can do when he isn’t trying to catch ankle-level passes from Eli.  Speaking of which:

Justin’s worst:  Victor Cruz is New York’s Larry Fitzgerald.  He needs, no, he DESERVES, a quarterback who can help him light shit up.  People are saying that he was on his way to a rebound year, which isn’t true, because he’s awesome, but even if he was part Megatron, part Jerry Rice, and part Bruce Lee, he’d still need somebody to actually pass him the fucking ball, and THAT only happens when the Giants play the Patriots, for some reason. Fuck the Patriots for letting the worst Manning win the most Super Bowls.  

Nate’s best:  Matt Forte.  For some reason, it seems like he’s 40 years old, but that fucker puts up serious numbers.  And… that was the only guy who got more than he was projected.  Shit week, Nate.  Don’t worry though- Zac Stacy sucked the first few games last year, and Nick Foles should get his shit figured out.

Nate’s worst:  Larry Fitzgerald did roughly jack shit against the Chargers, but seeing how hard leaving Michael Floyd and Ted Ginn open bit their defense in the ass, I wouldn’t expect that to be a thing for long.  He’s the shit and other teams know it, but now they have to worry about some other guys, and he’s going to get more looks.  Also, I like how Nick Foles lost as many fumbles in one game against the fucking Jaguars as he did all of last year.  Because I am a hater.

Bailee vs. Bobby:  Bobby wins, outscores literally everybody.

Bobby’s best:  Just, fucking everyone.  Even his defense scored 18.  Three different players doubled their projections.  13 from Blair Walsh?  Almost 20 from VD?  25 from Beast Mode?  I’m going to blame luck and great scheduling, but this team still looks pretty fucking legit.

Bobby’s worst:  Brady.  If Tom Brady throws 55 passes, you’d expect him to put up 40 points, but instead, he throws one touchdown, 27 incompletions, gets sacked 4 times and fumbles twice.  The fact that this happened against Miami instead of, say, Seattle, makes me feel a little better about my odds to beat this team, but holy shit Bobby.

Bailee's best: Well, turns out I have to shut my goddamn mouth about Darren Sproles.  The guy catches passes, runs fast, and is too small to tackle by anyone in a Jaguars uniform.  Delanie Walker seems to be a comfort blanket for Jake Locker, and Carolina's D did what it was supposed to against the Bucs.

Bailee's worst: Let's all face it- Steven Jackson already has a foot in the grave.  Besides that, everyone seemed to come up just a buck short.  Although, considering who you were playing against, I guess it's OK for Brees, Julio, and Reggie Bush to get their shit games out of the way this week.

Pending trades: Nada.

Upcoming:

Sam vs. Larax:  Larax, I’m projected to beat you, but if we’ve learned anything from this week, it’s that projections don’t mean jack shit.  Defenses could be the deciding factor: one of us plays the Giants, one of us plays the Raiders.  Although, “play” doesn’t quite sound like the correct word.  Maybe “annihilate?”

Coco vs. Bobby:  We’ll find out if Andy Reid has truly lost his goddamn mind and sits JC down for a second straight game, and we’ll see if Bobby can put the same crazy ass numbers up next week.  I see the #2 WR slot and #2 RB slot being a huge game pivot here.

Scarlett vs. Shelby A:  So many questions here!  Will RG3 stop sucking? (No.)  Will Phil Dawson actually hit his field goals?  (No.)  Will Scarlett drop Johnny Manziel? (Hopefully.) Stay tuned!

Brandon vs. Luke: It’s the battle of the roster holes.  It looks like Luke’s got a defense in- will Brandon get a kicker?  This week, we might get to see what’s left of Cam Newton, and whether or not Dez will get thrown a ball that he can catch.  I bet Mike Evans blows up this week.  Call it a hunch.

Justin vs. Shelby R:  Justin is a pretty heavy favorite according to Yahoo, which means that Shelby R is probably going to wreck his shit.  However, if Miami’s RB’s were able to rip up the Patriots D, then I can’t wait to see what Adrian Peterson can do.  And the Titans D isn’t anywhere as good as the Niners, so maybe (MAYBE) Tony Romo does the thing where he throws for 600 yards in a game that doesn’t really matter.

Bailee vs. Nate:  The bad news:  Playing against your significant other in fantasy football is always a bitch when you lose.  The good news:  It’s so awesome to end every sports argument with “Oh, wait, didn’t I beat you in fantasy football? [drops mic.] ”  Larry Fitz has a comeback week.

Go Broncos!

-Sam, your benevolent-ish dictator.